So...when you Terminate....does the T, just not...say anything?

http://forums.psychcentral.com/roman...cant-take.html

I don't want to bore anyone with the details, the subject of my issue is at that link.

Cliff notes for those who DGAF....

My male therapist became too much for me, after my transference issues consumed me. I brought it up in therapy, we never really...worked through the transference, and my T would flirt with me, or at least....I thought he was flirting with me, and it was messing up my mind.

In the last two weeks, post therapy, I managed to lose my wallet and lock myself out of my house. I think it was time...to say goodbye. Need a new T.

So I wrote to him yesterday and you know? He hasn't said a darn tootin thing back. Not a thing. Not a question, not anything.

Is this...normal? I would have figured minimally he'd want to know why, or something, but then again, this could be....me and my issues again.

It is not unusual for a therapist not to say anything if a client quits from what I have seen. Most, from what I have read, don't want to seem like they are trying to talk clients into staying.

Not sure if it is normal or not. However, in my first T appointment that if at any point I decided to quit or stopped coming should would respect my decision and not chase me...if I had a change of mind she would welcome me back though

Maybe that is how your T works

I thought about quitting in the past, though not for the reasons you are. I've never experienced countertransference from my T, and for that I'm thankful. But I'd be devastated if he let me go without a fight. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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Unless you asked for a session or phone call, it is unlikely he'll contact you. They shouldn't be doing anything to usurp our decision making concerning choice of therapist. From reading the email you sent him, it was pretty cut and dry and didn't at all sound like you needed further contact. Did you not mean what you said?

Mactastic.....when you say you never experienced Countertransference from a T, are you suggesting, that's....what I'm experiencing?

I did mean what I said, I just didn't think....that once I said it, there'd be no..goodbye, or minimally "it's been good treating you." I feel completely used.

This is a common way therapists can get away with being a**holes when they want to be. I'm sorry it's happening to you. If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only one. One thing you can do if you want is post reviews of your former t online.

He might still respond if you emailed him just yesterday...esp. since that was a Friday. If he has indeed been experiencing feelings for you, he may be confused or unsure of how to respond. Maybe you will hear from him next week.

In another thread you used the phrase, "I think I want to terminate." This is not a clear statement, and he maybe letting you keep the ball in your court to make a definite decision.

My previous therapist felt it was unethical and crossing a client's boundaries to try to convince a client to stay. Not that that's what you're saying. She just always left the door for them to book another appt.

How will a response help you if you have truly made up your mind to terminate?

You just asked the question...Goingtogetthere, that maybe, I should have been asking myself for days, weeks...

The operative word in "how will a response help you if you have truly made up your mind to terminate" is help. How will it help me. And the answer is...for the long term? Not at all. So I thank you for saying that. That gave me a lot of...light of all sudden.

I guess it's just...natural, or if it's not natural then fine, I'm crazy, to want to mean something to someone you sat blabbing, laughing, smiling and flirting with for 6 months. Then I have to remember. It don't mean a thing. It doesn't matter. Not at all. In my life, there is only me in this picture and that me, needs help.

I will find a way, as I do every time I've been knocked down, to turn this into something good. Minimally, I can look back at this time, and say, I felt the deepest pain, the most confusion, the most...fear, and panic, and say it prepared me to now, really go find a therapist and start to dig deeper.

And by next week, when I've had hopefully some introductions to some new T's...this will become a memory.

The thing that does stick in my craw, is that ultimately I failed one test. When I confessed my transference to my T, I told him that I felt it was braver for me to continue and try, than to run away from not being able to hack it.

But ultimately, I ran. The last two sessions, I did things that made me seriously go whoa. Beyond all the other things that made me go whoa! LOL! I lost my wallet. I locked myself out of my house. Yup, and it's like 26 on a balmy day these days here in Boston. Locked myself out of my house, sat down on my front steps and SOBBED. Like you would have thought someone had ****ing died.

My husband came home, found me on the steps sobbing and I explained I locked myself out, and he knew it was "therapy day," he instantly felt sorry for me, acted like the prince he always is. I went upstairs, took a hot shower (and was still cold) downed a shot of bourbon and wrote the letter.

Its not Ts job to convince you to stay. Most Ts take you at your word. If you say you want to quit, they respect that.

When I told my pdoc that I wanted to transfer to another pdoc she totally unexpected that. I told her I couldn't trust her anymore and she started crying. OMG I was really uncomfortable. I needed some prescriptions but I wanted out of that office Stat so I just left without them.

Now if she walks past me in the hospital hallway she won't even look me at me.

I started to respond last night to your other thread, but changed my mind and didn't post. I have been terminated by a T and terminated T's.

In most circumstances, a T will not respond to a client once a client terminates. Most will respect your boundaries and not contact you. Your feeling of wanting to "mean something to someone" makes me wonder if you are indeed ready to terminate with this T.

Good for you for recognizing you are running...I almost posted this last night but decided against it. I think the challenge for you, now that you recognize it, is to figure out WHY?

Whether you return to this T, or not, is up to you. If you want to return, ask. If not, move forward with a new T, talk about this experience and learn from it.

The last time I quit my T e-mailed me to say it was essential not to just stop coming but to work through the issue even if the outcome was to stop.

People cancel or terminate then change their minds. He could be giving you some space to think about it, so maybe you will hear from him on Monday. I think he will e-mail you back or call.

I wouldn't expect a T to try to get me to reconsider, but i'd probably expect a return e-mail offering to talk via one last session. If you didn't want to do the last session, I'd expect some sort of acknowledgement, followed by best wishes to you...or something like that.

Are you absolutely sure he was flirting with you? It's just that it's difficult to make sense of things accurately when you are experiencing transference at that level of intensity. I mean your transference is INTENSE. Plus, he sounded professional in his response to the time you disclosed your transference feelings for him. I'm not trying to invalidate your concerns...and I'm not saying he didn't have countertransference issues (they all do; some more than others), but I'm wondering if working through that kind of transference could be fruitful. It's a way to resolve unmet needs that, in part, helped shaped your sense of self. On the other hand, it is destabilizing for you.

Why did you pursue therapy in the first place? I don't recall if you wrote it in one of your other posts or not. If you are content with your life the way things are, the destabilization could disrupt your psychic homeostasis (then again-maybe it already has).

The last time I quit my T e-mailed me to say it was essential not to just stop coming but to work through the issue even if the outcome was to stop.

I did terminate my T once because I felt overwhelmed with therapy (life in general) not because I had any objection to T/his behavior. He sent me a mail saying he's sorry to hear that, respects my decision and that, should I change my mind or decide that I need therapy in the future, he'll be there. I went back after a month or two.
So yes, most Ts won't try to change yr mind. I would, however, expect at least got it mail back...

Autumn- I started therapy because of acute anxiety and anger issues, the result of my abuse as a child, being raped as a teen, then finding out as an adult that my grandfather was having an affair with someone and giving this person all of the money that my family would have inherited. He had a child with this person and I suddenly started losing it all over the damn place.

And yes, my transference was/is INTENSE, and that is why ultimately I've decided to leave his practice and move on somewhere else. I do not want to be burdened with this any longer. It's hard enough to have issues, but when you spend all of your time, thinking "what does this person think of me?" you can't....improve.

I do not think I was delusional in his flirtations with me. I know...when someone is flirting with me, I'm not.....that crazy/stupid/off kilter. His motives for doing so however, are and remain unclear, and if I was wrong about the whole thing, the outcome....must be the same.

Considering that since Friday I've been sobbing and reacting like either someone broke up with me, I broke up with someone, or someone DIED, is all the more reason, this has to stand.

Since yesterday, all the "I wish I meant something to him, I wish he'd at least write me back and say like it was a pleasure knowing you or something," this is all part of my crazy head. It doesn't ultimately matter whether he contacts me back or not, I...have to move on.

And it hurts. I won't lie..there are times it hurts like someone is digging out my kidneys with a spoon level pain. Just as it was in his office, I...become the 13 year old girl, secretly in love with her best friend's older brother, that one fateful day, wound up being for 2 weeks, his secret lover, til he left and went to college, leaving me, newly de-virginized, in the dark, completely alone and ultimately heartbroken. I never had another real "boyfriend" until I was in my mid 20's. I had lovers, **** buddies, and avoided "entanglements." I didn't want to love, I didn't want to be loved, I wanted power, autonomy, and I vowed, I'd never have my heart broken again, like that.

And here I am, married to the greatest man on Earth, madly in love with him after 10 years together, and what am I doing? Weeping over my therapist. Crying over my therapist.

Since my confession of my transference, the sessions got worse, I couldn't look at him. I stumbled over every word, and while you say Autum, that it would have been good to work through that transference, I don't think....he wanted to. I never felt we were "working through my transference," in fact....beyond...his knowing that it was hard for me to confess, we never really discussed it again. It was swept under the rug. I'd have panic attacks waiting in the lobby for him to come get me, and then leave, wrecked. Because he NEVER NEVER NEVER once in the duration of my therapy ever would "see me out," it felt similar to the one night stands I'd had in which I was either told to, or told someone else to "get your clothes and go." It never sat comfortably with me and I was always too terrified to tell him anything. Come to think of it, I spent 6 months pretty much terrified to tell him anything bout how I really felt, beyond my issues, and my history.

The last session and my reason for termination was that after the last two sessions, I lost my wallet, wrecked the tailpipe on my car, for not approximating the distance between my house and the car, and then locked myself out of my house. Sat down on my front steps in the 20 degree weather, and sobbed. Sobbed uncontrollably until my husband came home, found me on the steps sobbing and thought....that someone in his family had DIED. That's how hard I was crying.

So here I am. As Lisa Lisa once said, "All Cried Out." Or so I hope. I have to move on. It's for the best. Knowing me as I do, someday he'll be the subject of a song I write.

Amazing Grace, are you aware that twice you mention wanting to write to me and having stopped?

Why?

I understand your feelings Really.
I felt the same way when I chose to terminate, I was crying like someone has died.
Maybe you are stronger than me and maybe it's better for you to terminate if you are sure you wouldn't cry all the time like this.

When I make this hard decision I didn't eat anything for 3 days, I didn't talk to anyone, I took sleeping pills just to stop crying. After 3 days I got out of my mind. I was screaming and crying and throwing things. I said I will kill my sister's cat and trying to hit him.
My mother told me- It's not because of your sister's cat, it's because of Someone.
I took my phone and called my therapist to said him I'm leaving. It was Saturday's morning. He didn't answer to my call. I took high dose of Xanax and fell asleep. Then he called me back. I woke up and felt like a zombie (too much Xanax), he recognized that something's wrong with me. I said I am leaving. He asked me why. I said I can't stand my feelings anymore, I'm losing my mind. He said that if I want to leave, we have to have some termination sessions (or something like that). I agreed. He called me at evening and asked me if everything is okay. So sweet. I felt much, much better. Even just his voice has healing.
I understood I need him, I couldn't live without him. It's wrong to leave him. When I met him, he told me that he didn't want me to leave. I asked why. He said that he would miss me. I stayed. He healed my broken heart. I wasn't ready to leave him. He did right.

Sad but it's past. It's just unforgetable memories. Now he says- If you want to leave, I won't stop you, it's your decision.
He changed his mind and became as therapists should be.

Do you really want your therapist to tell you to stay?
Why didn't you call him if you wanted to hear his opinion?

P.S. Sometimes we want to leave just to hear those words- Stay, I miss you.

Sorry if my posts annoy you but I really understand how terrible you are feeling, sometimes when I read your posts it reminds me about my feelings in therapy. That's why I write.

Melania,

Your posts...don't "annoy" me they concern me. You would go to lengths, I'd never go, at the expense of my sanity and my well being, to make your points. You would die for your T. I wouldn't die for anyone. I would never contemplate taking my own life, EVER. So when I see these posts you write sometimes, I genuinely fear you're in a place that needs a lot of further work and contemplation.

While I am hurting now, and badly, I know, I will get over this. This feels epic level horrible right now, in the moment, but in time, I'll be over it. I get over things. I move on. If I didn't, I wouldn't survive. If you knew more about me, beyond having a transference issue, you'd know, I am the ultimate survivor. Staying alive, and kicking ***, is really all I'm about.

Yes, of course we want to be wanted, I want to hear my therapist tell me not to go, to hear him say "but...why?" to have him do anything to keep me there, and it's that VERY THOUGHT PROCESS, that is the reason I MUST LEAVE.

When I read the things you write, "why didn't you call to hear his opinion?" It's very simple:

a) I'd look completely unstable, weak and seriously compromised.
b) I'd be overstepping ENORMOUS boundaries. My therapist isn't someone to just call up, and harangue about things. He's a person out of that office, and if I want to inspire positive thoughts in him, that's bout the least positive thing I can do.

You see, when I read your posts, and you think I'm annoyed, I'm really more...bowled over. You have no limits to your pursuit of truth, you feel somehow entitled to bothering your T as if you were the center of his universe, and you don't seem to see, that all you are really doing, is pushing this person towards either decisions they don't really want to make, or worse, AWAY.

I wrote my email of termination. I am hurt to not hear from him. My issue is simple and that's the boundary of it. Once, some time elapses, I know, I'll be over this. I get over things. I do not dwell for long.

You have great husband, I understand your decision to leave. You are not alone, you have family and if you are strong enough to get over this- this is great.

But please stop telling me things like that...Do you feel better telling me all these things?
I'm sorry but your thoughts about us are totally wrong
I always felt like I am nothing, I never thought that he could have feelings for me. I felt miserable and stupid, I felt embarressing. I thought that the only thing he needed is my money.
I just couldn't believe he could ever miss me. I doubted all the time about his feelings.
Now I understand that it won't get better if I all the time try to analyse him.
I need just to live and enjoy this Heaven and Hell with him.

Okay it's your opinion. My opinion is different. I'm a bad person in your eyes. Okay. Let it be.

I do not think you are a bad person, I think you are in crisis.

People in crisis, often take the truth as insults, and I definitely do not mean, to insult you.

I've just seen you really go to lengths of extremes where your T is concerned, that has....myself and others concerned, and the reasons I said what I said, was meant to promote thought.

I don't think anyone knows for sure what the truth is for anyone else.

I think its a little differrnt for Melania because she has been getting different responses from people in her real life. As far as I can see it seems like she's been told these feelings are ok and that it might be fine to cross boundaries with her t. Even her T sends mixed messages IMO. It is up to him to stop her from going to such extremes as she obviously finds it impossible to do so herself - that is his job as a mental health professional. In the US most Ts would have referred Melania to another, probably female provider, the minute her feelings became apparent. That is the most ethical and professional thing to do in this kind of situation. I think this forum is the is the first place she has encountered a different viewpoint.

For you Coltrane, I think its the same thing. The fact that it bothers you so much that your T didnt respond is proof that you are doing the right thing, and you seem to have the insight to know that. The crying, the despair you feel is not what therapy is for and you are very very strong to see this and to terminate. No matter what his true feelings are, his job is to make sure he guides you in making the right choices for your own mental health. It is not his job to cause you heartache. Whether or not he'll respond to your email is hard to say, many would not for the reasons other posters have already given. But he may feel that given the circumstances it is best not to respond, because you have made a thoughtful, wise decision. I am in cold Boston too, and there are many great T's here, so you, as you know, will come out of this fine.