So...when you Terminate....does the T, just not...say anything?

Well guess what y'all...the letter DID come...here it be:

Me:

Can I suggest that we meet to talk about what's going on? While the process can be uncomfortable, it certainly shouldn't be harmful, and I'd hope we could make any necessary adjustments. If we can't, I can refer you to someone else who would fit better, or you can stop.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll likely make a pitch for you to continue, but I will in the end respect whatever decision you make.

Let me know,
T

I'm gonna take at least an hour, and think this through, at the recommendation of this forum, though my impulse and gut move would be to write him a letter and tell him how I really feel, but ultimately, that I feel therapy for me would be better with a female T and thank him.

I think things can be tricky with opposite sex therapists (or same sex depending on your orientation) and is often why you'll find people choosing T's accordingly. You'll hear female T's say that it is more "empowering" for a woman to see a female therapist. From the situations so many of us have encountered, I can see why.

I'm so glad he replied!!

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I am so glad he replied to you - very good!

Here's what I wrote back.

T (sorry, but this colon thing makes me feel like I'm writing to my lawyer. I wouldn't tell my lawyer about my life and my secrets and my feelings even if he agreed to waive his retainer),

"In the interest of full disclosure..."

The last time I came to see you, I was completely high, and it wasn't the first time I'd used a little mother's milk to handle seeing you. I paid the price for this last go round, quite dearly. I'm always very shaky when I leave your office, even when we haven't spoken on any topic of gravity. Last week, after ripping a section of the tailpipe off my car (bad parking job on Titanic-Like Ice thing outside my house), I ran in my house, pissed off, realized I'd dropped my sunglasses out of my coat pocket outside, went outside to get them, shut the door behind me like an idiot, and locked myself out of my house. I then proceeded, in the lovely balmy 20 or so degree weather to sit down on my front steps and sob uncontrollably. Not a good look in the hood. Thankfully I only spent roughly half an hour like this, my husband came home, found me like this and thought someone in my family or his, had died.

Noooooo bueno.

I've been forcing myself to go see you, pretty much since bout 2 weeks before I told you of my "situation," and we both know what I'm alluding to. I live, in a quasi- communal, weird surrogate family atmosphere in which everyone is rooting for me to get well, and it would seem, in spite of myself and all my weirdness, I was getting well. I started getting in shape again, started to calm down when there was no fight to be had. adopted a very analytical frame of mind in which I was able to attempt to breathe through things. I had more energy. Things were definitely looking up. Everyone around me, attributed this to our therapeutic relationship. They presumed to even know your methods for treating me, "wow, this guy really GETS you, definitely don't stop with this guy!!!" Three times in the last couple of months, I said things that made everyone around me go "whoooooaaaa, you are a diffffferent lady.....good job!!!"

No one, knew...that secretly, I was a hot mess. I'm good at covering my tracks.

There became this moment, where I, who was already plenty challenged with this hurdle, could no longer focus on my own issues, and could only focus on what you thought of me. When that happens, it's impossible to concentrate, impossible to be vulnerable. I spent loads of time, on my own time, in continued contemplation about what you thought about me. This is not good. Eventually, this began to seriously depress me, and my normally only slightly debauched lifestyle, started going a little more full tilt. You know all this, as I was minimally open about this in therapy. I started feeling, that I was betraying my husband with my thoughts, the gory details of which aren't really necessary here. I started having secrets, and going into rooms all alone a lot more, and eventually, suspicions grew here at home. My people saw me looking sad a lot. Withdrawing. I'd put on the brave face and say, "nah, I'm just tired, lot of work today."

I realized, I was just spending FAR too much time, thinking about you, and finally I said, "this has to stop." There is no place in my life..for all of this nonsense. I want to get well, I want to continue with therapy. Therapy, apparently for myself, even when it's not 100% really moving, apparently has wonderful side benefits for me, that I'd like to continue to explore, but in order to really get well, I have to be able to do so with someone I'm not constantly wondering about what you're thinking about me. In other words, with someone I don't have this crazy "transference-laden" crush on. It's just....blocking me.

Sorry if this was incredibly long. My intention is to stay with therapy, but if I stay in therapy with you, I'm quite fearful, that one day I'm going to snap, and it won't be pretty. Funny how pretty is the last thing we were discussing huh?

I'm glad that he eventually replied!
You wrote a very open letter, I think it could help him understand you better... But what was your response to his question? Will you come to the next session or not? I might have missed this information

Oh lordie! I just realized, I never...really said did I? (face palm!)

Well I think he can surmise from the information, that I want to find someone else. At least I hope he can.

Actually I wouldn't count on that someone (especially a guy ) can read between lines... For you (or even for me as I've read your previous posts) it is quite obvious but as you didn't write him that, probably he won't know that. Could you maybe write one more e-mail to him with a clear answer? Then you won't have to spend more hours on thinking if he actually got it or not...

Because you wrote that you would prefer to try with another T but he has suggested that if you cannot solve the problem together he could refer you to someone else... Thus, even if you don't want to have him as your T, maybe you want to meet with him so that he can help you with finding a new T? I don't know but I would write him a clear response if you are coming to the next session or not...

Agreed. But I don't think you need to see him. You could send him a quick follow up email "I just realized I didn't fully answer your question. I've decided it's best to work with another therapist" or something along those lines. Unless you feel he would be helpful in this process, I don't think he needs to help you find someone. Actually, most of the time T's don't help with this.

Well...I'd like to let things be for now. If he's still confused, he'll let me know and then I'll say that I apologize for not being more succinct and be clearer. I had a panic attack after sending that email.

No, not attacking you.Sorry if you are "weirded out".

Being smarter than your T, is the way it has been described to me by multiple T's, not just one.

In therapy, when transference exists, it's because a scenario has been created which is similar to our past. A client may experience transference and a therapist may (or may not) experience countertransference.

We (client) "transfer" those feelings on a person in the here and now. It can be anyone, it doesn't always just happen with a T. I suspect you experienced it in some of your past relationships. Therapy should be a safe place where you can explore those feelings without judgement.

You need a T who will outsmart you and your own "unconscious" manipulations and defenses. One who will hold firm boundaries with you and not re-enact your past. You need one who will recognize your "unconscious" patterns and work through this with you with YOUR best interest at heart. I read what your T wrote and I believe he is willing to try if you make the decision to return. Ultimately, only YOU can decide if he is the right T for you.

FWIW, I began with a male T. After he terminated me, I saw a female T for two years. When I returned to therapy, I knew I needed to work through this with a male T for the exact reasons you described in your last post. I saw another male T for three years before I began seeing the one I see now. I could have written much of your post.

You have received a lot of good solid advice from people on PC. I find it interesting there is no resolution in your response letter to your T. Maybe, it's worth exploring with this T or one on consultation?

To all those, who said I didn't resolve in my letter, I decided to pop a Valium and send this as an addendum of sorts, a PS:

PS: To be more succinct, something I have a lot of problems doing lately,

I do not think "adjustments" can be made to overcome this. How do you adjust what currently feels like self- torture? You'd have to wear a bag over your head, and hey, I'd miss that amazing smile of yours.

You are a really awesome person, and ultimately you are someone that I'll very likely regret, not being able to get to know. I think however, it's best I find a new therapist.

That was my experience too. On the occasions I have left a message/text to tell my T that I am quitting, she has simply responded with "I am here whenever you are ready to re-engage in therapy". Hahaha, I can laugh about it now, but that really riled me at the time! I was thinking all sorts of unpleasant things towards her I was just having a paddy, I didn't really want to quit

I think you needed to send that follow-up. I was confused. I kinda thought you WERE going to come back for another go. I think it was wise to be more blunt with your intentions to never return.

Many of us here have experienced feelings for our Ts that you describe. Many clients in T worked through our transference and experience the agony of painful longings for our Ts. Many of us have experienced the hells of abuse.

Not everyone here can write about it as expressively or as colorfully as you do.

Working through transference has been an integral part of the psychoanalytic method for decades.

Your situation is not all that unique.

Well....I have an appt with a new T on Wed. We spoke today and she seems very nice! I'm hoping we'll have a good chemistry and I can really start to dig.

I think in my case, what's done is done. As the day progresses, I'm extremely sad. I'm sad and sometimes I take a moment to cry, but ultimately...I feel that what I did was the right move. I feel ultimately, if I'd gone back to see him, as he'd requested, he was going to lure me back in, and that's the last thing I needed.

I really hope that a new T can be a fresh start.

I just wanted to point out that this is kind of concerning:

"it just seems, that some people here want me to take that brave step, not for myself, but for "science"

Or because you want to see what the outcome would be if I stayed, so you can vicariously experience the end result of a dangerous experiment?

I've been on PC for longer than I'd care to admit, but it is relatively troll-free. People here are some of the most empathetic souls you could meet online. Anyone even remotely sadistic is booted and "mobbed" by others here, if not by admin.

You will make yourself crazy by second-guessing posts on PC. The best anyone can do is ask clarifying questions if you are unsure of another's intention.

You remind me a lot of a close friend of mine that I have a lot of respect for because she's always making the fearless move I secretly wish I had the guts to make. I think what you are doing leaving this T is courageous. In a way I wish I had the strength to do the same incase it gets worse. It seems healthy to me to take a stand independently for whatever reason. Ultimately you need to trust your gut on this issue. You're the best judge of how things were going, and if your gut feeling is that he was flirting to get something out of the relationship, best to go. If you change your mind, who cares, you can just go back later.

Personally, I'm kind of drawn to the idea I can work it out in therapy. I'm scared to run, scared to stay, but mostly I still look forward to it every week. All I can say is thank god it's not worse for me, it seems like some people have it worse and I'm at all I can take right now. I've been to this rodeo before, and it was in junior high as well, lol.

If I were in your shoes I'd be tempted to do a final session just to see what your T's response would have been if you confronted him on his flirting. I'd just personally want to know, because I've had a similar kind of experience as well. The prolonged eye contact gets intense.

Petra5ed, I can't help thinking how damaging that would be. To go in there, merely to confront him about the flirting, especially on what would be a final session, this being the last time I'd see him, hear from him, have any input from him. If he confirms it? What then? Suddenly we embrace, kiss, and fall to the floor, leaving all sanity behind? I don't think so. If he won't confirm or deny it? Same place I've been all this time, and the same neurotic cycle will take over. If he denies it, truthful or not, it would be SOUL CRUSHING, and I'd fear that all this time, my brain was working overtime, and I'd fear for my sanity. It's what you might call a "no win situation."

I understand the polarity of the "scared to stay, scared to leave" dynamic, that's where I was maybe bout a month or so before the issue started to actually pain me. It was fun in a way, the drama of being in this mysterious relationship, I used to get off on the flirtations and walk out feeling like hot ****. It was fun to think, "well nothing is ever going to happen with us, but I think he digs me." Then.....everything went sideways. One day it was no longer fun, it was agonizing. I started to make him an example..or a symbol of all the things I never had. He became the living embodiment of the "one that got away." Considering that I have a man at home who adores me, and whom I mutually adore, I got increasingly angry at myself for having such thoughts and then depressed because I couldn't help myself.

So I saw it very much, in the interest of self preservation to get the hell out. If I were to see my T one last time, it would be to apologize, thank him, and say goodbye. Nothing more. No curiosity. It's the book that has to close.

By the way, since I wrote that epic letter, I've heard nothing more. I think my point, was pretty well made.