Did I do the right thing?

Yes. I'm seeing her once or twice a week (it's not sorted out yet). I skyped with her on Sunday and I'm talking to her again tomorrow night.

Growlithing, reading this was a breath of fresh air. You are coming up with ways to communicate to TT, and thinking of what might make it easier for you to do. I encourage you to follow through with this. It would be a huge step in the right direction.

I just talked to school T and I think I had a major breakthrough in terms of what is holding me back opening up to TT. I meet with TT in an office in a small outpatient/partial hospital. I sit in a waiting room to meet with her and then I go back with her to a private office that is minimally decorated just to barely cover the white walls. It feels like a doctor's office. When I go to see her, I feel like I'm going to the doctor and when she acts very polished and professional wearing a name tag, it feels like I'm talking to a doctor. This might not seem terribly significant, but then you remember my mom is a doctor. The whole thing feels like an instance where I have to crawl inside myself and hide because that's my natural response towards doctors. I'm threatened by doctors and I have a long history of lying about my psychiatric well being to them out of fear that my mom would get into my medical charts or that she is friends with them and they would tell her. I also worry about them being really cold and uncaring. When she isn't super warm and affectionate to counteract that, I interpret her as being this cold statue of judgement but if she were to be super warm now, I'd probably think she was being fake.

In contrast, LCM and school T do not feel like doctors. The residential program where I met LCM was a large victorian style house. It was totally a house someone could live in and probably did live in at one point. On top of that, we went out to CVS and on walks together, we went to diner together, and we skyped. So that obviously doesn't feel like I'm meeting with a doctor. I meet with school T in a practice room at school so not only does that not feel like a doctor's office, it's on my territory. Very much so in my comfort zone.

I don't know 100% if that's what is making it very difficult, but I imagine it's contributing. Hell, the name of the building I see her has a name very similar to where my mom works and I think about it every time I see the sign outside. If this is the cause, I don't know how to fix it but at least I might be on to something.

Can you get a new TT?

Wouldn't that be giving up too soon? She really is trying

You have mentioned getting expelled from school about this. Have they actually told you this?? Most colleges have great mental health programs. Also how are you studying if you are going through all of this?

I think you are on to something. What you said makes so much sense. Be certain to tell TT about it as soon as you can! As has been suggested with regard to other posts, consider printing out that specific post for TT. You really explain yourself well and give a lot of compelling detail.

This is an incredibly smart insight---it makes a lot of sense. That is worth telling TT!!!!

You can always ask TT "how do you know when a patient/T relationship is a good fit? This doesn't blame anyone but it may make her realize that you may need a TT with a warmer style.

You know if you are having trouble finding the right words, pc people will help you out! You know you can bounce ideas off of us.

Thank you. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I was just ranting to school T about our complete lack of connection and I said there must be something we are missing to explain this. School T asked me how the 3 Ts differ (putting LCM in that category and not DBT) differ and I said her manner is more distant, more professional, and almost more "medical" and then it hit me. Of course I'm not going to attach to a "doctor" and no wonder I grabbed on to the person without the official license.

I think I can tell her this. It is much more clear and less personal than "I feel nothing for you". I don't exactly know if it can be fixed too easily but I'd have that problem with all T's in a formal setting.