And things take a turn for the worse...

My mother has always had her own unresolved emotional issues and I can't blame her for not seeing them and wanting to believe in this fantasy that she's been such a wonderful mother to me because I can understand how painful it would be for her to admit that she wasn't. My stepfather, on the other hand, is a pretty normal guy with just some anger issues, but he can and should control them. He never behaves this way with anyone else, not my mother or my brother or anyone, just me.

He teaches karate to kids every day and all the kids love him and all their parents think he's wonderful and it's just me who sees his temper and he always made me believe ever since I was a little kid that I was just oversensitive. He used to tease me about having a "pasta belly" (I didn't; I was a super skinny kid but also incredibly insecure about my appearance) and whenever I told him it bothered me when he said that, he would say, "Sheesh, you're so oversensitive! Can't you even take a joke?" And my mother would be like, "You know he's just teasing, right?" And he would slap me sometimes. Not often, but often enough. He should have known better. He is a really big, strong guy.

Actually, I don't think it does. I think sometimes she IS just genuinely nice to me because she wants to be, not because she expects anything in return and not because it makes her feel good about herself. SOMETIMES she's nice to me so then she can have "proof" that she's a good mother, but for the most part, that's not the case, at least not recently. For the past few months she has been just like a real mother to me, a mother who actually cares about how her daughter is doing in school or who her friends are or how the condo is working out for her, without needing to turn the attention back to herself or pat herself on the back for being such a good mother or using any of that stuff against me. It doesn't feel like she's nice for a purpose. It feels like she's nice because she loves me. It feels like she really, really does sometimes.

Stockholm Syndrome? Who knows...

It sounds like you spend a lot of time justifying her acts in your own head. I understand why (it's less painful than looking at the ugly reality in the face), but some good acts don't make up for bad acts. Just because she has been "good" for a while doesn't mean your feelings about the bad are wrong. They aren't, and part of healing is allowing both the good and the bad to coexist. Trauma causes us to develop a black and white type of thinking; all good or all bad. When we heal from it, we begin to accept both the good and the bad in one package. But that will take time for you to get there.

I know this. It's just that reminding her of the bad hurts her. And I hate seeing her cry and knowing it's because of something I said.

Strangely, I don't think it bothers her much (or my stepdad) to see me cry. Or my dad, actually. Or anyone, actually. Which is weird, because when I see anyone crying (especially a little kid, which I'm not now, but I'm thinking of when I was younger), I just want to go and hug them and make their pain go away.

My feelings about the bad are NOT wrong. Things WERE bad. I just wish that I could forget those feelings now that things are good. Because yesterday I was so focussed on bad things that happened in the past that I was really testy and responding to her like she was the person she was then instead of the person she is now, and she responded in kind, and look what happened.

I just want to make this better and I don't know how. I'm scared this has destroyed our relationship...I don't want that to happen. I love her. She's my mother. She's the only one I've got.

Hope this isn't too painful of a question but I have to ask.. do you think she is the "concerned" who really cares about your schooling, condo, etc is because it shows her that things couldn't have been that bad when you were growing up..after all you are successful. It relieves what guilt she might have??

Maybe that's part of it, but it's definitely not all of it. She knows that she can take absolutely zero credit for any of these successes; she's not delusional about that in the slightest. She knows that at least from age thirteen on, I raised myself. She knows that my father is the one paying for school and the condo and I'm the one who taught myself how to cook, clean, study well, make friends, form healthy relationships, etc.

Does it absolve her from the guilt stemming from thinking she screwed me up for life? Maybe. But I don't think she's even self-aware enough for it to have occurred to her that her actions might have screwed me up for life.

You might be surprised at how delusional some people can be. My mom takes credit for things that logically she has no right to take credit for. I manage money well and she manages it terribly. She takes credit for my skill by saying she taught me how not to do it (WTF?!?). It's delusional, and she doesn't see that I worked really hard to learn how to manage my money myself. Your mom may not say it, but she may see it the same way.

It's possible, but that's never been my impression. She always remarks with sadness that I learned to be self-sufficient because of my father's neglect (true) and never takes any credit for any skills I cultivated as a result. She does say that I get my generosity from her, which I think is actually true, although said generosity has seldom manifested itself in her interactions with me. It actually really makes me sad that she's a life coach(!!!) and she has no problem with driving downtown in the middle of the night to go be with a suicidal client, but had a serious problem with coming to the hospital to reassure her terrified sixteen-year-old daughter after her father put her in a psych ward for telling him she was feeling like hurting herself.

So she blames your father's neglect...but nowhere did you say she takes any of the blame herself

She doesn't. I honestly don't think she has the capacity to understand the gravity of her actions or her brain is trying to protect itself from recognizing how much pain she caused me. And I can have compassion for that, to a point...if I were in her position, I can't say I wouldn't do the same.

She is definitely a narcissist. And you're right. She doesn't have the capacity to really see you or your pain. That doesn't mean you need to feel guilty or bad for your reactions, and it doesn't mean you have the wrong recollection. The problem from beginning to end is her. You don't need to hold the guilt or the blame or anything else. You can be angry and upset, even if she doesn't understand. Your anger isn't negated because she doesn't get the gravity of the situation. And you don't have to put up with her abuse now and in the future (what she did to you with telling you that you are wrong and focusing only on herself is abuse) because she doesn't understand. You don't have to carry that burden or that guilt.

So then what do I do? I know it's not my "fault" or my "responsibility." But she's my mom. I love her. I need her. I want to fix things with her. But I don't know how.

I wish I had the answer. I do understand wanting to love the parent who abused you and wanting that love in return. I do have a couple of immediate family members who are narcissists as well. It is very difficult as they are family and well the only one you have. What I have learned (with lots of help from T) is that I allow them to be in my life on my terms. I have set up boundaries that work for me. I have never talked to the family members because quite frankly everything always comes back to what THEY want rather than what I NEED. I have pretty much emotionally shut down when it comes to them. I allow them over when I feel up to it..if they invite themselves over I find something that I HAVE to be doing. I refuse to go to their homes as I feel like I am on their turf and therefore they are more in control so I always have an excuse to not be available. My house is safer..etc etc. If conversations were to start like the one you mentioned with your mom I would walk out. That being said the people involved are NOT my parents...HUGS

T has been working with me on being boundaried with my parents too, and up until now I was doing really well with it. I would have walked out on that conversation except that we were in the car and she and my stepdad were driving me home. We were on the highway and nowhere near a bus/subway and only fifteen minutes away from my condo. So I stuck it out. It was unpleasant. But I guess it wasn't them forcing that conversation on me - I didn't realize I had all that anger still lurking inside me and it felt GOOD to get it out. But then look what happened...

And I still feel so crappy about all this that it's taking all the willpower I have not to call T and tell her about it and I feel like I am absolutely not going to be up for volunteering tomorrow, or really doing anything tomorrow. I just want to drink hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows and pretend to be marginally productive by reading "Brave New World".

I am so sorry you have to deal with it all. I wish adults would understand the life long impact their words and actions would have on the rest of their children's lives... You are doing a wonderful job making it this far. We all have setbacks but sounds like you will get through it..

I say take tomorrow off. As a teen it sounds like you were the only person who took care of you..looks like you did a great job doing that. So now if you feel this is what you need to do to take care of yourself then do so...the one thing I have learned in life is if you don't take care of yourself nobody will. Pamper yourself after everything you have been going through...

I think taking the day off tomorrow would be an act of good self-care. Allow yourself to feel how you feel.

I also think you are going to need to accept that you're not going to get a satisfactory outcome with your mom right now. Keep that anger you have and express it safely in therapy. That is the place for it, where you can process it and deflate it. And with someone who will respond to your needs in that moment.

Ugh, responsibility though...and the fact that it's only a three day volunteer position. It's a huge group of people, so I don't think anyone would miss me in particular, but the project leader whom I love would probably be disappointed in me and that would be not so great for future projects I might want to work on with her.

I guess that's fair. T might help me see this situation in a new way. I wish my mom would come to see T with me sometime and we could hash this all out the three of us, but I don't think that would do any good, even if she was willing.

I've thought that about my mother too, or at least i wish she'd get her own therapist but she can't face up to herself or the damage she's done and refuses. And family therapy would be the end of us.

I think you need to leave your mom be for now. Concentrate on yourself and maybe some day down the line when you feel less raw about it all, have learnt how to get what you need out of communications with her and maybe once she's more ready... then bridges can be built.

Maybe. I guess I just have this (irrational?) need right now to call her and be like, "Mommy, I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry I upset you, I'm sorry I made you cry, I love you, please please PLEASE forgive me!"

Yeah, not going to do that though. Going to talk with T about it tomorrow and see what she thinks, then decide on a course of action based on that. I will not make stupid rash decisions.

I have two different thought on tomorrow..

1) if you don't feel up to going tomorrow talk to the project manager and let her know that you won't be there as you don't feel well...no more explanation needed and she will not think you blew it off as she will probably think you are sick.

2) it might be better to go and keep your mind off everything that is going on. If you stay home you will probably be thinking about the session anyway. The session will be hard enough tomorrow that you don't need to be stressing about it all day.

Whatever you decide to go good luck. Do whatever feels right for YOU..and don't worry about anybody else.

What i'm finding as i go thru therapy is i stopped being my mothers rescuer and it royally p issed her off! Our relationship isn't good right now because i'm putting in boundaries for the first time ever and she doesn't know what to do. Her old tactics don't work anymore.

It's really hard for me because i want my mother, i want to help her, i don't want to make her feel bad. But i want even less for me to feel bad so now i choose myself over her. Not easy.

You have a good plan, leave things be. And if you must speak to your mother, make sure it is when your step father isn't there.

I think I'd rather be antsy and nervous at home by myself where there is lots of room to pace instead of being in a roomful of kids who I won't be able to focus on because I'm so nervous about the session and checking my watch every three minutes instead of giving them my undivided attention. I usually try not to schedule big things right before a therapy session (or make my appointments first thing in the morning rather than in the evenings) so this doesn't happen.