I want my old T back...

I've been seeing my T for a little over two years now, first in a free counselling centre where she was as assigned to me as she's also a Pdoc and could managge my medication as well as therapy. After a few months she had a falling out with her supervisors and decided to quit the counselling centre and have a private practice. As I felt comfortable with her I followed her into her private practice.

At that point everything went well, I was finally diagnosed with BPD, started DBT and she kept telling my that I wasn't doing that bad for someone with BPD and that she hoped to treat me within a year or two. Therapy went well at first with quite a lot of progress. I don't have any suicidal thoughts anymore, I drink much less than I used to, can deal better with emotions...

Last spring we decided to start trauma work as I much quite stable and thought I could handle it. We did it for a couple sessions during which I told her some pretty graphic details about my csa but overall only scratched the surface.

From that point everything has changed: She doesn't want to do any trauma work with me anymore, at least until I've moved out. (I still sleep in the bedroom everything happenned in). Whenever I have a bad day, harm myself in any way, she tells me the same thing over and over again: That I need to work full time, that I need to move out for my well-being, that as long as I live there I won't be getting any better and there's nothing she can do to help me feel better until I move out.

She has told me that the little I told her about the csa was much worse than what she had expected. I wonder why as from the very first session I told her bad things had happened, I didn't go into details, but to me it was pretty clear what I meant. I don't know what she imagined.

I know she only wants what's best for me, but right I feel like I can't say anything without getting another lecture about how I need to get job. I'm feel quite crappy at the moment because I hate my life, but if I tell her I will only get the same old statements....

I know what I need to do, but it's not that easy.... Right now I wonder what's the point in therapy as I hold quite a lot back. There's so much I'd like to talk about, but I'm scared to because I don't want another lecture. So in any session lately within 10 minutes we're again at the same old subject...

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get this out. I don't really want another T, only things to go to before she know how bad the abuse was...

Can you print this out and give it to her?

No, I don't think so... last time I handed her something to read she barely aknowledged it. So I doubt giving her this would be of any help...

Can you take it with you and read it to her? Or tell her how much you don't want to hear the same lecture again?

What is stopping you from getting a job and moving out?

I'm so sorry to hear things are this hard. It sounds like for whatever reason, your T can't meet you where you are at this moment in your life? I'm in a similar situation with regard to really needing a new job (I love mine but it is only part time and the commute is killing me) and it is so not that simple to just 'get a new job'. The current job market is difficult, and when you feel already low at times it can seem so endlessly hard.

I can see where she is coming from, and she clearly has your best interests at heart and cares for you very much - but if you can't do it (find a job lickety split and move out) right now, then you can't do it. It takes time to find jobs, apply, go through interviews (and getting interviews these days can be damn challenging because so many applicants go for each role) and it just takes time. Getting a job, and therefore moving out, is not entirely within your control, there are external factors at play. It would distress me a lot if my therapist didn't seem to recognize this. It really adds to the pressure, and personally would be making me feel a bit wretched and bad about myself. You don't need that on top of everything else. How frank have you been about telling her how this upsets you?? I really think she needs to realize this is not useful.

I may try to tell her this next week, not sure yet.

I used to be absolutely unable to write any application, just sitting in from of my laptop thinking about what I should write triggered me a lot. I would rather harm myself than write any single application. Now I'm at a point where I have one good application letter, which I adapt to different jobs offers and my T reviews it for me every time before I send it in. And at every session I have to hae two new applications ready. So now that the ball is rolling it's mainly keeping at it and keeping my fingers crossed. I may actually surprise her and do a few more this week, as I've got a letter ready for a tack shop and saddlery and I could use that one for different shops.

To be honest I haven't told her. I absolutely hate confrontation, so every time I just shut down. Last week she actually got a bit mad at me because I was hiding behind a "polite smile mask" so I wouldn't break down and she thought I was taking the situation at hand too lightly...

All I hope is that now that I'm really trying to get a job, she will lessen the pressure.

So it just sounds like you need to be persistent for a while. I do understand why she doesn't want to do trauma work while you're still living in that room. I think you just need to be patient with the circumstances and know that things will return to trauma work once you move.

I know things will get better once I move, it's just that I'm quite frustrated at the moment. Especially as I'm scared to move because living alone at university was the worst time of my life, so I worry I will break down again if I'm on my own.

Also there are other self-harm issues we could work on, she know I have serious thyroid problems, but haven't been getting any treatment for this in 3 years. Simply because i didn't care... now i realize how important that is, but I don't feel like I can do it on my own.

Can you bring those things up and specifically ask to focus on them?

I guess I could try that next week. I'll really need to make myself a list to read before session, so I remember what to talk about.