Emailing T even though she doesn't like me to email her

Stand by. I'll attempt an edit.

Sometimes, you might be surprised that what looks good on paper isn't in real life, and what is not promising on paper is exactly what you need. And sometimes, what we think we need is not at all what we need (not saying that's the case with you). For example, when I was choosing T's, I crossed my current one off the list that a mentor had given me. She didn't seem, based on her website, like the one who would work for me. But eventually, that mentor convinced me to contact her first because she had very high regard for my T. And I'm very glad she did. On paper, she didn't seem like the best fit, but she ended up being exactly what I needed.

Well, I think I have a pretty good sense of fit based on how people write. For example, any T that says, "You might be wondering if you'll like me. You probably will; most people do. " is probably not a good fit for me. (I actually saw this while browsing and it made me click off that T's page.) Also, anyone who talks about therapy as a "spiritual journey" to achieve some type of "greater balance and connection" is not someone I'm going to want to sit and have a conversation with. Same with Ts who have pictures of clouds as their backgrounds. Am I being picky? Yes, but I also know what feels right to me, and if their web page doesn't feel right to me, I'm not doing it.

I agree with the criteria you have listed (except maybe the clouds? What is your reasoning for that?), and I personally would have the same criterion. I just meant that you might be surprised and once you find someone close to your criteria, it would be worth it to check them out even if they're not a perfect fit.

New email.

Edited to remove anything that sets up what you want to say, and to keep what my interpretation is of the meat of the message.

Lead ins, clauses, introductions and explanations are what writers refer to as "throat clearing." They are ways to hedge a sentence rather than just getting to the point.

Throat clearing causes the reader to see a HUGE block of text and feel a sense of dread. When really, the true message is concise and easy to digest.

It's not easy to be on the receiving end of editing. I'm sorry if this feels hurtful. I am truly trying to help!

Dear T,

I have a need for you to be more mindful of the way you respond to me regarding your boundaries. When we have a discussion about boundaries or how I feel about them, I feel chastised/judged/shamed.

Yesterday, I felt really uncomfortable with your response to my request for an extra session.

Sometimes I feel like you’re rebuking me for having/expressing that need by taking the expression of my need as a criticism or labeling my expression of that need as “badgering” or “escalating.”

Today I felt like we had a really good session and I felt really validated and supported and even cared about. But then at the end I felt like I ruined it by asking you for some more time. So then I went home feeling really guilty because it felt like you were displeased with me and like I’d done something to upset you.

I realize this is my own interpretation, but I need you to know about it so that you can choose how to respond.

Thank you for listening yesterday. I know I laid a lot of really tough stuff on you and I really appreciate how supportive you were. That felt really, really good to me, and it meant a lot.



All words cut from the old email. Saved for posterity. Printed and brought to session, possibly, to refer to later.

I know that emails of a personal nature are a boundary for you, and I’ve been trying really hard to respect your boundaries, but I feel like this is something I need to write to you for two reasons: a) because I’m probably not going to be able to hold onto it until next Wednesday and b) if I tell it to you in person, we will probably spend the whole session discussing it and it might not go well.

So if you’re still reading, here goes.

I'm okay with the boundaries themselves, but a lot of the time ...

when I brought up my need for another session/check-in to process this stuff more, since we really only got to talk about what happened yesterday and not how I’m feeling about it or what I’m going to do about it,

I’m okay with the fact that you said no to another session but maybe to a check-in depending on your schedule, but what I heard (even though I don't think you meant it this way) was, “I have certain boundaries for my private practice [and you know what they are and stop bothering me about them already].”

I was feeling nervous to even ask for what I needed because I didn’t want you to get upset at me or think it was wrong of me to ask, which is how it’s felt in the past when I’ve stated a need in a certain way, because sometimes it feels like you hear the delivery (my tone or whatever) but not actually the message, which is that I’m struggling with something and need some compassion.

and I don’t really know what to do with that. Because it is never my intention to make you uncomfortable; I’m usually just trying to say things in the best way I know how.

I know this is my stuff; I know you’re not trying to chastise me for having needs and that’s just how I’m interpreting you. I’m working on that, and for now, I just have a need for you to be mindful of it. Because

... (if that’s okay for me to feel) and ...

, even though I was okay with you saying no.

I don’t think that was how the situation was at all in reality, but that’s how I’m interpreting it. The fact of the matter is, I need you sometimes, and I don’t think there’s anything unhealthy about that as long as I respect your boundaries, which I’m trying very hard to do. But sometimes I feel like you’re sending me mixed messages re. whether it’s even okay to need you or whether me needing things from you or even mentioning that I need things from you is a burden.

So that’s all. I hope this email was not such a big boundary crossing (although it probably was, and I am actually sorry about that but I didn’t really know what else to do, since you know I have much more pertinent things to talk about during our next session, so I just felt really really stuck and I hope you can forgive it). I would just really appreciate if you could be more mindful of the way I’m interpreting you in these situations. And I would also like to

Clouds are too wishy washy for me. They just feel too spiritual and fuzzy and not practical or concrete enough for me. Also, I prefer nice, clean, professional webpages, and having an excess of pictures, either of clouds or of lots of smiling kids, just doesn't sit well with me. The T I'm seeing now, I wasn't sure if she would be a good fit, although I was pretty sure I liked her web page and her grammar and her research paper on neo-colonial discourse. But I tried it out and it felt good to me.

Also about web pages, you can get a sense of the T's boundaries that way. If they post their fees directly on their web page, for example, their boundaries are probably going to be looser than someone who wants you to call them to discuss fees. I knew from the start that my T was very boundaried because she didn't mention previous places where she'd worked by name on her web page; only that she currently worked at an accredited children's mental health agency and had previously worked as a sexual health counsellor at a downtown clinic (whose name I only dug up after some very careful research).

A lot of Ts will also talk about their personal life on their web page; this T didn't. So I knew what I was getting into. I thought boundaries were something I needed to work on because with previous Ts with lax boundaries, there was either intense maternal transference (not the case with this T) or I just didn't really connect with them or get any work done because there was no structure. But maybe I was wrong about the boundary thing.

Transference is a good thing if you talk about it and work through it. It sounds like you ran away from some good therapy in the past.

No; in the past with CBT T and ED T, I couldn't be honest with them because I was seeing them too much as mother figures and trying to provoke certain responses from them that felt loving/caring/maternal. (I was also fourteen and sixteen respectively, so I probably can't be blamed for that...) But I had to terminate with CBT T when I realized I was lying to her about the extent of my SI just so she would think it was more serious than it was and want to protect me from myself. I knew I couldn't be honest with her at that point, so I ended my time with her and went back to my regular T who was pretty much ineffective but not as painful for me to deal with.

With ED T, my father terminated her, not me, but probably for the best because at that point I was having fantasies of her adopting me and she so did not specialize in dealing with maternal transference. She didn't even see it, and she fed into it by giving me lots of hugs and talking to me about my dolls.

Yes, being a kid at the time definitely fed into it greatly. But it is worth exploring those feelings when you are ready to in the future with a qualified T.

Thanks for this, PeeJay. I find that I hedge a lot in my writing, especially in intros (whenever I bring school essays to my instructor-mentor, she invariably tells me to cut out the first paragraph). But on topic - I like a lot of the stuff you cut out, but the stuff about needing her is important, I think. Let me see what I can do with it. I really appreciate your help.

Yeah, I don't think you can really deal with transference unless you're willing to be honest and straightforward about it, and the catch-22 (especially for a teenager) is that the more honest you are about it, the worse it feels and the less you get out of it. So I wasn't ready then, but I am ready now. So hopefully I can work through this with current T, or if she can't meet my needs, find a new one who will help me.

I tried cutting it down fully but I just couldn't do it all the way...so here's what I have. Still too much? PeeJay's looks prettier...I know...

Dear T,

I know that you’re not super comfortable with emails of a personal nature and I’ve been trying really hard to respect your boundaries, but I feel like this is something I need to write to you even though it’s making me really anxious. I have a need for you to be more mindful of the way you respond to me re. your boundaries. A lot of the time when we have a discussion about boundaries or how I feel about them, I feel chastised/judged/shamed. Yesterday when I brought up my need for more time to process this stuff, I felt really uncomfortable with your response.

I’m okay with the fact that you said no to another session, but what I heard (even though I don't think you meant it this way) was, “I have certain boundaries for my private practice [and you know what they are and stop bothering me about them already].” I was feeling nervous to even ask for what I needed because I didn’t want you to get upset at me or think it was wrong of me to ask, which is how it’s felt in the past when I’ve stated a need in a certain way, because sometimes it feels like you hear the delivery (my tone) but not the message.

Sometimes I feel like you’re rebuking me for having/expressing that need by taking the expression of my need as a criticism or labelling it as “badgering” or “escalating”. It is never my intention to make you uncomfortable; I’m usually just trying to say things in the best way I know how.

Yesterday I felt like we had a really good session and I felt really validated and supported and even cared about and then at the end I felt like I ruined it by asking you for some more time. So then I went home feeling really guilty because it felt like you were displeased with me and like I’d done something to upset you. I don’t think that was how the situation was at all in reality, but that’s how I’m interpreting it. The fact of the matter is, I need you sometimes, and sometimes I feel like you’re sending me mixed messages re. whether it’s even okay to need you or whether me needing things from you or even mentioning that I need things from you is a burden.

I would just really appreciate if you could be more mindful of the way I’m interpreting you in these situations. And I would also like to thank you for listening yesterday, because I know I laid a lot of really tough stuff on you and I really appreciate how supportive you were. That felt really, really good to me, and it meant a lot.

I think that's a good email. Good job.

Hi Yearning.

Would you not be able to write this all down to take to your next session with your T? When are you seeing her?

We have some other super important stuff to talk about when I see her next, which is a week from today, and I know that if I bring it up with her then we will spend the whole session talking about this instead of processing some really traumatic emotions I've been dealing with for the past few days...we talked about what happened yesterday but didn't get to process any of it, so that's number one priority for our next session.

My t agreed with me when i wondered if the reason why things feel so rushed and critical to you right now is because of family contact? That will mess a person up. I am still recuperating from my birthday calls and cards - no actual contact - from a week ago.

Probably. But this situation with T is one I've been dealing with for awhile now, and this is the straw that's breaking the proverbial camel's back because right now I'm not in such a good place because of said family stuff so it's hitting me harder and making me realize I have a choice - I can either do something about it or I can keep fretting about this or I can leave. So I would rather give T a chance to work on this with me. But I also know that bringing it up next session will be counterproductive and accomplish nothing and will probably be a waste of time that should be spent figuring out how to respond to this family stuff.

I think that's good -- it's shorter than the first one and more direct. And it preserves the you-ness of it!

But it's still 529 words and looks like a huge block of text...not too much, though? I really don't feel comfortable cutting out any more of it...ugh, it's complicated.

Nah. It all fits on my screen.

It's like half the length of before, too. So that's progress.

I hope I'm not a bad influence!

You were like, "To email or not to email?"

And my response was, "Go halfsies and send a shorter one!"

Cut it down to 521 words. I have this issue with essays too. So I am going to send it in a few minutes once I work up the nerve to do it...wish me luck.

Okay sent, at 515 words. Commence anxiety. This was actually probably a bad idea because she said she would email me/call me over the next few days re. scheduling, so she probably WILL say something about it, or pointedly ignore it while bringing up other things. But I can handle that. It's done now, and I'm going to not worry about it.

hi Yearning. I am not sure what reaction you are expecting to get from your T, but I hope it is a supportive one.
I know from prior experience that a T who doesn't allow outside-session contact is not one for me.
Good luck

I am not expecting anything beyond acknowledgement, or possibly not even that - I am just expecting her to be more mindful of the way she's coming across to me in session if we ever end up talking about boundaries again. I feel like that's a pretty reasonable expectation, and if after I've made myself very clear on numerous occasions she still can't respond in a way that feels good to me, then it might be time to start looking for a new T. (Cringing at the thought, but we shall see...)

Ahhh commence anxiety. I know that feeling. Good luck!