[IndestructibleGirl]

...and here I am on PC procrastinating. Ugh. Its a quarter past one in the morning here in London, I get up for work at 5.45 and I NEED to write this crap tonight.

I have been having memories to do with csa. Or rather, reframing things I always knew, looking at them in fresh light and waking up. There's also a vague shadowy sensation of something lurking, I don't know what it is but it doesn't feel good. I need to get it out of my head so I can go to work feeling relieved. That it's not just me anymore, wrestling with wondering wtf and what it all means and am I gaslighting myself or the total opposite - am I being melodramatic about what doesn't amount to very much really...

It's so difficult when you're not sure which bit of your brain to trust

I could take a diazepam instead of writing the email, but I think I'm ready to examine the grim. I think I'm even going to mention the word that nearly made me have a fit of hysterical panicked laughter/tears and run out of the room. I couldn't write it down before, but I think I can now.

Strange. I'm very reluctant to actually write this email, but I know in my core that I'm ready now.

[HazelGirl]

Just start. You can decide whether to send it when you finish.

[Big Mama]

Indestructible I am so sorry for what you are going threw. I can totally relate. I get these little pieces of memories or visions and I wonder if they are pictures of what really happened or if my brain is tricking me. I did eventually tell my T about all this stuff, and she had a sneaking suspicion that something did happen some where in time, but it was not for her to suggest to me, I had to be the one to suggest it, otherwise she could potentially plant ideas in my mind.

I write a lot about what I dream, about what I think, what I remember, what I feel. I let her read weekly what it is that I am thinking. It is just how we start every session. I wake up in the middle of the night and write, I pull off the road and write, (I keep a note book in my car) A smell , a should, a face, an event may trigger another thought. I have learned to take time to get lost lost in those thoughts for a few minutes if I have time to.

Please know that you are not alone in this struggle. T's know how to deal with this. I am learning that no details have to much gore. They really have heard it all and seen it all. It is up to us to take control in ow own healing and let them know what is going on with us. Good luck.

[sweepy62]

Hi u are not alone I struggle to with intrusive memories smells ect I write them down its a way of processing until u tell t. My problem is I haven't told new t yet. My t does not email. I suggest you at least email even if you don't press send. Hope you get some sleep.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Big Mama]

I don't e mail, I use the old fashioned way. Pen and paper. From time to time the thoughts come so fast I can't write them. I type them, then print it and take it to T with me.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I emailed, finally got done with it by 4am, resigned myself to no sleep and then my boss let me know not to come in as something's come up. Serendipity

You know what though I couldn't believe how much calmer I felt after writing and sending it. I expected to feel slightly grubby and a bit frazzled - it was the exact opposite. I feel cleaner, and lighter, and less...broken on the inside, I think.

Thank you for your support and hugs

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I find that writing makes me calmer, more centered, more at peace. I know that if I can write about something, then I have enough distance from it to be able to look at it squarely, name it, manage it, contain it.

[Big Mama]

Good for you dear. I am glad getting it out helped. For me if I write it and give it to someone (the T) then not so much of the pain lives inside of me. It can have a life elsewhere. A lot of the things I write I give to my notebook, and my thoughts can live there and not so much inside of me. I write a lot of the tings that happen to me and post them here. Everyone that reads it, not necessarily that respond, but every one that reads what happened to me, that is one less piece I have to carry in my heart. It help so much just to put it out there. And not be responsible for it living inside of me forever.