[pinkbutterfly]

Hey everyone...*possible trigger warning re: sexual trauma*

So I called yesterday and got an earlier appointment with my T for tomorrow.
My anxiety is really high about it...because I have to admit to her that I made some poor choices over the past few days.

On Friday, I said something about how I was feeling really lonely lately. What I didn't tell her is that I had a lunch date scheduled for right after the appointment.
It went really well. Then I saw him on Saturday, we went for along hike and watched the sunset. After we got back down the mountain, he kissed me. We kissed.

Then Sunday...I slept with him. I know that I went WAY too fast. I am not used to the whole dating thing...I was married for 13 years (technically I am STILL married to him...we've been separated now for almost 20 months).

well, when we had sex, he was very very rough. and I didn't speak up as soon as I should have. I kept telling him to be gentler...and he didn't really listen. But when I told him I needed him to stop, he did. He tried to start things about 15 minutes later, and I had to tell him to stop again. It hurt really bad. That was sunday. It's now Tuesday and I can finally go to the bathroom without a lot of pain. Still a bit sore, but yesterday I could barely move. It hurt to walk...to move...etc.

It triggered a lot about my sexual trauma. The last year that I lived with my husband - he was raping me. But one thought that went through my head...many times was...even when he raped me, it didn't hurt as much as this. I have not been dealing well with this.

He didn't intentionally try to hurt me. We talked about it...he is going to be gentle next time. He didn't know he hurt me. He apologized. But I can't quite shake the feeling of being violated. But I think it's just the trigger of the abuse. Reacting to the reminders of the abuse.

I've not coped well with this...I had to contact a crisis chat because I was feeling self-destructive. I ended up cutting just a little bit that night (not bad...but I did it). And yesterday I purged. Just overwhelmed.

And I am SO SCARED to tell her all of this...afraid to admit what I did.
She's a Christian...I am a Christian. I am not supposed to have sex outside of marriage. And the fact that I am still technically married...

My anxiety is so incredibly high right now. I am so scared to go, but I know that I need to because I am not doing well with all of this.

[HazelGirl]

1. Run from this guy. He definitely was not sensitive or caring enough. And he did not respond to you or your needs adequately.

2. It sounds like you are allowing yourself to be abused again. You allowed yourself to get into another situation that betrayed your conscious and harmed you physically.

3. You absolutely have to say something. Your T shouldn't judge you and should understand you.

4. God forgives, no matter how much guilt you may feel.

[Leah123]

Oh, I am SO sorry. Listen, any halfway decent Christian knows that forgiveness is central and humans are SO not divine. It's important you go in expecting support, not judgement. It is not her place to judge you and I really doubt she wants to.

You are hurting in more ways than one, and she's going to see that and want to help you, don't you think?

Take good care of yourself. You are precious, and just because you slept with someone and it went badly, that hasn't changed.

[nicoleflynn]

I would go to the doctor.....immediately...You "kept telling him to be gentler." He wasn't.....Please stay away from him. You ended up cutting because of what he did. He is not a safe person.

[shabur]

Your T is not there to judge you, but is there to help you understand and work through your problems.
Once while in session, my T asked if I was suicidal and I said "no". I felt guilty and ended up emailing her. I wasn't suicidal, but I had been thinking about it. Her response was very caring; she thanked me for clarifying and also said that thought and acting are 2 different things. I know now that if I get to that place I can say what I need her to know.
I can imagine your anxiety. If you feel like you may not be able to tell her I suggest you write it down and bring it to your appointment. Tell your T you have something you need to read, but it's very difficult. A good T will understand and help you through. Your T needs to know what's going on so she can help you make better decisions.

[pinkbutterfly]

Thanks for your support everyone. For some reason I didn't get an email notifying me of responses, so I came in here, expecting to not see anything...so thank you all.

Yeah, I am going to write a little tonight...and bring it...if I can't bring myself to say it, I can show it to her. She knows that I write better than I speak sometimes. And I know she won't judge me...she never has...I just have a tremendous fear of rejection and abandonment.

I feel really confused about it all too...like (and I hope this isn't too much information)...but it hurt a lot and I didn't like it, but in the midst of all the pain, I did have an orgasm. So I feel REALLY confused about that. How is that possible?

[HazelGirl]

People who are raped can have orgasms, too. It doesn't mean you enjoyed it, or that you were okay with it. Your body responds with an orgasm when it is stimulated in a certain way.

[pinkbutterfly]

But I wasn't raped...it was my fault. I didn't speak up soon enough...as soon as I should have. I let him keep going. When I told him to stop, he did.

[growlycat]

I hope you stay safe and avoid this guy…he sounds a little hard to believe---Reading this I feel like he will tell you anything to keep you coming back. Run run run!!!

A judgemental therapist --of any or no religion-- is not a good T. Hope yours is understanding.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by pinkbutterfly

But I wasn't raped...it was my fault. I didn't speak up soon enough...as soon as I should have. I let him keep going. When I told him to stop, he did.

My point was that you can have an orgasm without enjoying it. This was to help you understand your confusion. An orgasm does not mean it was okay that he hurt you.

[pinkbutterfly]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

My point was that you can have an orgasm without enjoying it. This was to help you understand your confusion. An orgasm does not mean it was okay that he hurt you.

ok...gotcha.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by pinkbutterfly

ok...gotcha.

Sorry I wasn't clear enough.

[pinkbutterfly]

it's all good

I spent some time journaling about what happened.
SO I have something to take in. It was really hard.

[pinkbutterfly]

my appointment is in just over two hours...

I
can
do
this...

i hope...

[HazelGirl]

Let us know how it goes.

[pinkbutterfly]

It was a really tough session. Really tough. But I needed it. She was not judgmental. She did not scold me or even tell me that I know better, or remind me that I am still married...

When I first went in, she wanted to start off where we ended on Friday.
I said, "I actually have something else we need to talk about today."
She said that she wanted to talk about something for just a few minutes...and I said....Well, this is really important. I usually see on Fridays. She said yes, I thought the day was off. I said, yeah, my regular appointment is on Friday, but I called on Monday, and you actually had an opening. I pointed out that right now I am usually in class. She said that yes, it must be very important for me to miss class.

It was so hard, I told her I didn't want to tell her, but I knew I needed to. That some stuff happened over the weekend and I am not dealing well with it.

She was really great. I really do have a great T.

One of the things that I realized in talking to her was that when he apologized for being too rough with me, and said he didn't realize he was hurting me. Yes...I TOLD HIM. I kept telling him that it was hurting. He wasn't listening.

I left feeling VIOLATED. I was traumatized.
I have been on a self-destructive path since then...with cutting and purging and restricting.
It's not healthy.

And the fact that I reacted that way tells me it's not healthy. Though it took me a bit to realize that. My T said that I was "re-creating" my abuse. And that I have a choice. I DO HAVE A CHOICE. Wow.

We have been texting -- me and the guy I was with. He said he would be gentler next time...so it comes down to...do I WANT a next time?

Yes, I liked the attention, but the reality is that he is NOT gentle...and he didn't give me the affection I was looking for. He hurt me. And I continue to beat myself up for making the choice to go see him -- for choosing to have sex. Will he be gentler next time? I don't know. Is that a risk I am willing to take? I don't think so.

In reality...I had to ask him to stop many times...most of it was when he was doing oral sex on me...it hurt. he was not gentle. I kept telling him to be gentler...he didn't seem to hear. I told him to stop. He'd stop for a few minutes and then start again. I had to tell him to stop several times. I told him that it hurt. HE KNEW THAT HE HURT ME...BECAUSE I TOLD HIM

Yes, when we were having actual intercourse, he stopped when I told him to (and I should have said stop sooner)...but he DID start again without asking me. I let him though. And then it still hurt a lot so I told him to stop again.

How could he NOT know he was rough? How could he NOT know that he hurt me...when I told him SEVERAL times that it hurt?

And while this doesn't involve sex...one thing that really struck me was when I left his house...not only did he not walk me to my car, he turned on the porch light, but turned it OFF before I even got to my car. He didn't stand on the porch and make sure I made it to my car even. I almost twisted my ankle walking through his yard to my car when he cut the lights off. That's not what a gentleman does. He is not a gentleman.

I want a gentleman.

I don't know what to say to him though. I am almost afraid to break things off with him. I am afraid to hurt people. But I suppose stringing him along when I know nothing can come of it would hurt him worse.

I am afraid of confrontation of any kind...even if it's just over text. I am not sure what to say. It shouldn't matter. it's not like he knows where I live...

The pain has almost completely subsided now. Which is good. Ok..guess this is enough for now.

[HazelGirl]

You need to value yourself more than his feelings. You are more important. And to value and honor yourself, you need to end things.

[pinkbutterfly]

HazelGirl...you are SO right. I don't value myself. I feel so much that I am unworthy of love...that i am unworthy of a lot. That I don't deserve to be happy and that I deserve to suffer. When I left his house on Sunday night, I kept telling myself that I deserved the pain I was in...and that I deserve MORE pain...and I ended up cutting. Sunday night and then again last night. I hadn't done that in a long time.

I need to tell myself that I am more important...and valuable.
I know my history plays directly into this...I was sexually abused from ages 3-12 by four different men. My mother neglected me - I grew up in filth. It was a rough childhood. I was programmed to be a sexual toy for men at a very early age. My T and I have talked about how I was "groomed" by a pedophile. He gave me attention and affection I needed because no one else paid attention to me. (hmmm...sound familiar??...still searching for attention and affection...)

I realize I NEED someone who is loving, sweet, and gentle. A gentleman. This man is not.

If I send him a text -- thinking of saying:
Realizing this is not healthy for me. I need to take care of myself right now, and I can't see you again. Please do not contact me.

Does that sound ok?
I so often feel like I need to explain/defend myself, but I don't owe him any explanations. I do not owe him ANYTHING.

[pinkbutterfly]

think i am starting to have a panic attack over this...high anxiety...heart rate increasing, shaking, sweating...feeling out of breath...dizzy...ugh

trying to take deep breaths....but I feel like I am going to pass out...

[HazelGirl]

That does sound very good.

You're very right. You don't owe him anything. You have the ability to choose not to be abused now and you don't have to explain why.

[HazelGirl]

You can do this. And it's more evidence that this guy really isn't right for you.

I would encourage you to wait to get involved with anyone else before you have had more therapy and have worked out some of the problems and patterns that allow you to get into these situations.

[pinkbutterfly]

yeah...i think that's a very good idea too.

[pinkbutterfly]

Ok...I send the message. I turned off my phone after it sent. Because even though I say not to contact me, I think he probably will try to.

[HazelGirl]

He probably will. But you have to stand firm and do what is right for you. Good job on being brave! You stood up for yourself and disk what will honor and value you!

[pinkbutterfly]

Now that i took anxiety meds and my panic attack subsided...I am feeling SLEEPY.
hoping to fall asleep quick and easily. If I go to bed now it will be the first time in weeks that I go to bed before midnight. gotta get up by 7am to get my boys up and ready for school.

thanks for your help. have a good night, friends!