[tealBumblebee]

We've had some really good sessions ever since I took that month break - who knew? Anyways, today was no different. I went in with nothing to talk but we ended up having a good discussion that detailed a lot of things about me/my past experiences that T never knew about.

We got on a subject and she went on to tell me that regardless of what people do wrong, I find an excuse for them - to make the pain go away. I told her, it doesn't make the pain go away necessarily, it just lessens it. So somehow, I was defending someone who (i don't even like) who had violated a boundary. We went back and forth a bit and I went on to tell her how the violation isn't a violation if you're aware of the situation, in control of it, and allow it to happen. She disagreed and said some things about other people violating my boundaries and then it happened: I disagreed and it ended up with me, for the first time with her, flailing my arms whichever way and raising my voice at her.

She asked what about the conversation had me angry at her, and I told her I was not angry at her. She asked what emotion I was experiencing, as I was obviously feeling something and I labeled it agitation. But I couldn't actually explain why I was agitated - I guessed it was because I felt like she wasn't understanding (i.e. agreeing) with my p.o.v. It's crazy because her point of view actually defended me!

I was totally thrown off guard by my reaction and slightly embarrassed but she was so happyabout it. She was happy to finally see me have an emotion about anything, and she called it a sign of progress. She did admit that she was intentionally gently pushing my buttons and explained it was safe to feel anger/agitation with her as our relationship is strong enough for it but I was just so surprised with myself.

Not sure why i'm posting; I think just to process it. It was such a mixed emotion moment for me. She was glad it was a breakthrough, I was glad that we actually were able to touch on things I don't generally touch, I was surprised I didn't see it coming, I was embarrassed that I acted that way, I felt appreciative of her response. Just so much from that moment.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Ha! tealBumblebee, are you my spiritual twin?! I had something similar a few days ago!

* High five * Congratulations on your breakthrough! And hugs, cause I know all about the embarrassed bit after too. It can be a wee bit unsettling, even though it's a step forward.

[CantExplain]

For some patients, finding their anger is a huge struggle and a great victory. Therapists always get excited when that happens!

Like you said, it was your first time.

[SeekerOfLife]

Wow, Teal, I think something amazing happened to you during your session. I remember the first time I felt anger toward my T. I look back on it, and it was actually a step of progress for me. In my life, I had never recognized anger for what it was. I usually denied it, or unintentionally called it something else. Growing up I was not allowed to express anger.
Hugs to you. It may take a few days to process that session. If you are still in confusion, perhaps you and your T. can discuss the same things again. Proud of you.

[granite1]

anger can be a very scary thing teal. it sounds like you and your T were able to get through it ok . that is awsome

[tealBumblebee]

This was over a month ago now but the funny thing is, that the idea of anger towards T is quite applicable for where we are at now so thanks guys for bumping this post. I guess what I really needed was a reminder!