[Mactastic]

Sometimes I don't get how this attachment thing is supposed to work. I started therapy because my relationships were shallow and no one in my life really, truly knew me. I pull way back when people try to get close and I am always at an arm's length sorta speak.

Eight months into therapy something amazing is happening. I'm letting him in (s-l-o-w-l-y) and I'm learning how to be open. When I have a bad day I want to talk to him. When I'm scared I want to talk to him. When I think I've shown progress I can't wait to tell him. And so on. It's hard to make it a week between sessions and I'm fearful I am dependent. We've already spoken (ad nauseum) about my termination fears and that I worry I'm too attached. I even went to consult another T over that, but came back to my old T because he felt 'safe' after all the work I'd put in. He knows about my breach.

Sometimes I find myself torn between keeping my T at arm's length (knowing I must terminate) or going for broke and really, truly letting my T know me to the core so I can fully experience that. How much of an attachment is unhealthy? Can a dependence actually be healthy, provided boundaries are clear? I email about 3-4 times per week (at his encouragement) and he gives a quick one-line reply each time. These emails have been incredibly helpful. I can disclose something in there and then discuss it when I'm ready. In some sense it also serves to let me know he's still there (my abandonment fears have me convinced each week he's going to quit or terminate or whatever.)

Does anyone else struggle with attachment and dependence in regards to how much is healthy?

[Freewilled]

I think it's pretty cool that you feel close to your T. I have similar issues with not being close to people and keeping everyone at arms length. For me, it's automatic. I don't even know how to be close in the first place and it's like I don't even know who I am. I can try with people but it's like something doesn't fully attach in me. Like I'm broken somewhere inside. I would like to be able to email my T but he hasn't said I could. The couple times I've done so, they have been brief and disclosed my more positive feelings that don't seem to appear much during sessions, unfortunately. My T seems really glad that I've sent them......

To you, I'd say go for it and let him be close. Dependency isn't bad - especially since it's what your working on in the first place. But I can't practice what I preach I don't know how, really. Sometimes I feel like my T and I almost start over again each session, to some extent. Your relationship with your T sounds awesome

[Mactastic]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I don't even know how to be close in the first place and it's like I don't even know who I am. I can try with people but it's like something doesn't fully attach in me. Like I'm broken somewhere inside.

Yes! I feel exactly the same way, especially the bolded section.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

Sometimes I don't get how this attachment thing is supposed to work. I started therapy because my relationships were shallow and no one in my life really, truly knew me. I pull way back when people try to get close and I am always at an arm's length sorta speak.

Eight months into therapy something amazing is happening. I'm letting him in (s-l-o-w-l-y) and I'm learning how to be open. When I have a bad day I want to talk to him. When I'm scared I want to talk to him. When I think I've shown progress I can't wait to tell him. And so on. It's hard to make it a week between sessions and I'm fearful I am dependent. We've already spoken (ad nauseum) about my termination fears and that I worry I'm too attached. I even went to consult another T over that, but came back to my old T because he felt 'safe' after all the work I'd put in. He knows about my breach.

Sometimes I find myself torn between keeping my T at arm's length (knowing I must terminate) or going for broke and really, truly letting my T know me to the core so I can fully experience that. How much of an attachment is unhealthy? Can a dependence actually be healthy, provided boundaries are clear? I email about 3-4 times per week (at his encouragement) and he gives a quick one-line reply each time. These emails have been incredibly helpful. I can disclose something in there and then discuss it when I'm ready. In some sense it also serves to let me know he's still there (my abandonment fears have me convinced each week he's going to quit or terminate or whatever.)

Does anyone else struggle with attachment and dependence in regards to how much is healthy?

I struggle with this and also find emails incredibly helpful in general. I've decided that the attachment is healing and healthy has I've made a great deal of progress in a number of areas. Also, therapy's a good place to make mistakes with someone we're deeply attached too, less consequences there, so it's a good opportunity to workshop relationships. Further, I always remind myself that the unusually intense environment of the holding tank that is therapy is bound to stir up these anxieties, so I try to accept them as part of the process and have faith they'll fade and I'll become more comfortable over time. I've been doing therapy with her for one year now.

I have also consulted a few times with other therapists during the course of the year, to get another set of eyes on our relationship, and I've told my therapist too. It's really helped us to be perfectly honest.

Yes, i still do worry about it from time to time but not very often now because i think my sense of self has gotten stronger from working with former T for 3 years.

It's understandable to worry about dependence. I really don't associate out of session contact with dependency. In my view, a "healthy attachment" is two people who are separate from one another but intimately connected. An unhealthy attachment would be when two people are enmeshed. The therapeutic process can facilitate a healthy attachment that will grow into a mature relationship. To get there, you work through the fears, doubts, and anxieties you speak of until you are able to experience the relationship with the full presence as your authentic self.

I don't think people can be truly intimate with others while keeping people at arms length. It sounds like your relationship is blossoming.

This is going to be a good therapy.

[Sunflower Queen]

Yeah but when it's time to separate it is the worst feeling in the world! I have all the yucky feelings exposed.... frustrated at not being able to meet any longer. Not able to work through them feeling exposed... Very emotional these last few months since T moved to a new agency. Now I am left to seek someone else to talk about the transference I had with T I connected so well with. I miss her so bad. Never felt this close to anyone. Trusting the Process feels like a bait and switch...