[rainbow8]

At my last session (a lot happened at that session!) my T told me that she's made mistakes with me. I let that statement pass me by, but now I can't help wondering. Do I have the right to know what mistakes she thinks she made? Has your T ever told you that? Would you ask what the mistakes were? I don't know if I want to know or not! My gut feeling is that it's about her boundaries but maybe not.

[RTerroni]

Yes probably, it helps show that she is a human being who makes mistakes just like the rest of us.

[HealingTimes]

Yes, definitely. In fact, she told me just today that she thinks she had made a mistake. Its nice to know that she isn't perfect, she is human and flawed. It makes her seem more 'real' to me, if that makes any sense to you?

A previous time, about 9 months ago, she made a HUGE mistake and it took months of repairing to fix. It took hard work for us both to come through that rough patch, but her apology (very sincere) helped a great deal.

[feralkittymom]

I don't remember my T ever referring to past mistakes. He did share with me a couple of times his conflicted thinking at certain points of my treatment. He shared these moments with me in order to get my input. They were issues of how best to work together at certain junctures in the process.

[sweepy62]

Yes, I would want to know, and she mentioned it, so im guessing she is waiting for you to ask.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My gut feeling is that it's about her boundaries but maybe not.

Is that your gut feeling, or your fear?

[stopdog]

I think the first therapist I see makes mistakes all the time. So if she referred to it, it would not surprise me - I would accept it as acknowledgment I had been correct.

The second one I see has readily admitted to mistakes and explained why she thought they occured and what steps she will take to help minimize such in the future.

[brillskep]

Mistakes in therapy are a gray area for the most part (except boundary violations). My T once told me something he did was a mistake - he referred to certain occurrences of something specific, not "mistakes" generally. It upset me because what he thought were mistakes was actually part of what helped me the most in therapy. This type of situation reminds me of Yalom's book "Every Day Gets a Little Closer" - it's a book compiled of the therapist's and the client's accounts of the same sessions and it's quite interesting to see how much their views are different about what helped and what didn't. Just a thought.

[elaygee]

My T admits to her mistakes - not following up on an important topic, sometimes helping me almost avoid it. She also has put her foot in her mouth a few times, accidently triggering us, and always apologizes for speaking without being mindful. When we had a huge rupture, she admitted her portion of it, and still will come back to how she felt she messed up in different ways. I appreciate it.

[Jdog123]

I had a T who told me 6 months, 1 year, and even longer later that she made mistakes and told me about them. This wasn't helpful at all because they weren't the type of things I needed to know and she said them in a way that was to help her clear the air rather than in my best interests (I didn't need to know 6 months after we stopped working together that she wished she hadn't done XYZ 2 years earlier, something that I didn't think hurt me). BUT my current T will immediately or the next week or so apologize for something "a mistake" - things like not having been compassionate enough in her response to something I shared (and these are admittedly minor things). In that sense, it helps me, but not way down the line when nothing can be done to change or address things. I'd be afraid in your shoes that it'd be something that I see that helps me (holding hands) and can add a new layer to this complicated issue rather than help you feel better about it. It's tough...

[Asiablue]

Yes, i would definitely want to know. I think it really helps to see things from their perspective and see their thought processes about things. And sometimes it's good just to get an acknowledgment from them that they are human and fallible too.

Mine owned up to an error she made that resulted in a rupture recently. Hearing her fully admit and own up to making a mess of things helped me a lot. Made me feel validated and i was more forgiving because she admitted to the mistake.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

Yes probably, it helps show that she is a human being who makes mistakes just like the rest of us.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

Yes, definitely. In fact, she told me just today that she thinks she had made a mistake. Its nice to know that she isn't perfect, she is human and flawed. It makes her seem more 'real' to me, if that makes any sense to you?

A previous time, about 9 months ago, she made a HUGE mistake and it took months of repairing to fix. It took hard work for us both to come through that rough patch, but her apology (very sincere) helped a great deal.

Yes, it makes sense to me. I don't know why I have been thinking that's it's unprofessional of a T to make mistakes, that they should know what they are doing. Hmm.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I don't remember my T ever referring to past mistakes. He did share with me a couple of times his conflicted thinking at certain points of my treatment. He shared these moments with me in order to get my input. They were issues of how best to work together at certain junctures in the process.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Yes, I would want to know, and she mentioned it, so im guessing she is waiting for you to ask.

I'm afraid to ask her.

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

Is that your gut feeling, or your fear?

It's my fear that she's sorry she promised to answer all of my emails, then had to break her promise, and that she offered to hold my hand in the first place. I KNOW she made a mistake by telling me, whan I asked, that she would NEVER take the hand-holding away from me. Now she says the same thing about hugs. Now she offers to touch me again. Is she still making mistakes? I think she said, when I brought it up last year, that holding hands was not wrong, or a mistake.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think the first therapist I see makes mistakes all the time. So if she referred to it, it would not surprise me - I would accept it as acknowledgment I had been correct.

The second one I see has readily admitted to mistakes and explained why she thought they occured and what steps she will take to help minimize such in the future.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by brillskep

Mistakes in therapy are a gray area for the most part (except boundary violations). My T once told me something he did was a mistake - he referred to certain occurrences of something specific, not "mistakes" generally. It upset me because what he thought were mistakes was actually part of what helped me the most in therapy. This type of situation reminds me of Yalom's book "Every Day Gets a Little Closer" - it's a book compiled of the therapist's and the client's accounts of the same sessions and it's quite interesting to see how much their views are different about what helped and what didn't. Just a thought.

I read that book. I can believe it. It's the little things that often help, things T doesn't even realize she did. But holding hands was a big one, and I think it helped.

Originally Posted by elaygee

My T admits to her mistakes - not following up on an important topic, sometimes helping me almost avoid it. She also has put her foot in her mouth a few times, accidently triggering us, and always apologizes for speaking without being mindful. When we had a huge rupture, she admitted her portion of it, and still will come back to how she felt she messed up in different ways. I appreciate it.

Thank you. I can see that Ts can mess up and it could be all right.

Originally Posted by Jdog123

I had a T who told me 6 months, 1 year, and even longer later that she made mistakes and told me about them. This wasn't helpful at all because they weren't the type of things I needed to know and she said them in a way that was to help her clear the air rather than in my best interests (I didn't need to know 6 months after we stopped working together that she wished she hadn't done XYZ 2 years earlier, something that I didn't think hurt me). BUT my current T will immediately or the next week or so apologize for something "a mistake" - things like not having been compassionate enough in her response to something I shared (and these are admittedly minor things). In that sense, it helps me, but not way down the line when nothing can be done to change or address things. I'd be afraid in your shoes that it'd be something that I see that helps me (holding hands) and can add a new layer to this complicated issue rather than help you feel better about it. It's tough...

Thanks. Yes, I'm a little afraid of what she will say her mistakes were, now that I've been seeing for 4 years. I thought maybe I'm not supposed to ask her, like it's a boundary crossing. I'm still a little confused about boundaries. I think I will ask her anyway.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Yes, i would definitely want to know. I think it really helps to see things from their perspective and see their thought processes about things. And sometimes it's good just to get an acknowledgment from them that they are human and fallible too.

Mine owned up to an error she made that resulted in a rupture recently. Hearing her fully admit and own up to making a mess of things helped me a lot. Made me feel validated and i was more forgiving because she admitted to the mistake.

Thank you. I'm glad your T confessing made you feel better.

Yes, I would definitely ask her more about this next session, especially given that you are ending soon. I'm sure you felt those mistakes as they were happening and still remember them. I felt the deep mistakes my therapist made and spent a lot of energy internally trying to work through them. Hearing my t's side of these mistakes has meant everything in my healing from those mistakes. Do you really want to end therapy with those mistakes still unresolved?

Turtle

[BlessedRhiannon]

My T has made several mistakes when working with me, but they've always been things we've talked about the next session or within a session or two. Sometimes, it's just that T didn't know something would trigger me as strongly as it did, and we talk about it and figure out ways to handle such situations in the future. Once, she simply pushed me too hard and I told her the next time we met...she agreed that she was pushing too hard and apologized. My T is human, I expect mistakes. Sometimes, the mistakes hurt, but I understand that the hurt was not intentional. We talk about what happened, how it made me feel, what we can do differently.

My T has made repeated mistakes of a critical nature. I wanted to know everything and confronted him several times with the facts I knew to be true. Not only would he not admit to what he did but he denied everything right to my face. My T cannot admit to any of his mistakes and it is definitely an eye opener for me. I am extremely hurt by his lies. And YES I would want to know and hear an apology. Unfortunately, my T is above all that.

Hopefully, other T's out there will own up to being human. You will be glad you did.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It's my fear that she's sorry she promised to answer all of my emails, then had to break her promise, and that she offered to hold my hand in the first place. I KNOW she made a mistake by telling me, whan I asked, that she would NEVER take the hand-holding away from me. Now she says the same thing about hugs. Now she offers to touch me again. Is she still making mistakes? I think she said, when I brought it up last year, that holding hands was not wrong, or a mistake. .

Rainbow, I am a bit confused- are you saying that she offered to hold your hand, promised never to take that away and then broke that promise too?
That sounds inconsistent and a bit scary.

Do you think that the reason you think it may be 'unprofessional' is more to do with you seeing your T as someone who can do no wrong? If you recognise that she can/does make mistakes, it means that seeing her as a flawed human being and therefore not being able to keep her on that pedestal? You may also think that the fact that she is human means that she has the ability to hurt you? Some 'perfect' T (or person) wouldn't have this ability, so the fact that she has made mistakes may scare you for this reason?

[A Red Panda]

My T has owned up to various mistakes he's made... and he's the only person who has really ever apologized to me sincerely. Or at all, really.

I tend to notice the mistakes right away though... as does he as I will not react well. But he's human, and I go back anyway even though it terrifies me as I don't do conflict... and don't really know how to handle someone else apologizing.

It's actually been one of the most helpful things with my T, that he could never plan for.

Perhaps your T wants to help you with being more forgiving before you and her part ways, or become more accepting of others having flaws? It's worth asking her why she would bring it up with you.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by turtle2

Yes, I would definitely ask her more about this next session, especially given that you are ending soon. I'm sure you felt those mistakes as they were happening and still remember them. I felt the deep mistakes my therapist made and spent a lot of energy internally trying to work through them. Hearing my t's side of these mistakes has meant everything in my healing from those mistakes. Do you really want to end therapy with those mistakes still unresolved?

Turtle

Thanks, Turtle. I'm not ending soon anymore, though. My T is letting me pay a reduced rate so I can see her every 2 weeks. We're going to play it by ear and see how I do for a while. The former termination date of "the end of March" is canceled. But you're right. It upset me more than I initially thought when my T told me she made mistakes. I don't know if she means major mistakes about my treatment, or little mistakes. I want to know but I'm afraid to know. I wish she hadn't brought it up!

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

My T has made several mistakes when working with me, but they've always been things we've talked about the next session or within a session or two. Sometimes, it's just that T didn't know something would trigger me as strongly as it did, and we talk about it and figure out ways to handle such situations in the future. Once, she simply pushed me too hard and I told her the next time we met...she agreed that she was pushing too hard and apologized. My T is human, I expect mistakes. Sometimes, the mistakes hurt, but I understand that the hurt was not intentional. We talk about what happened, how it made me feel, what we can do differently.

Thank you. My T has apologized for some mistakes, like the time she made an uncalled for comment that was totally not like her. She also apologizes when she forgets something I've told her. It's the bigger issues, like her treatment plan, that bothers me. I've GOT to talk about this with her. Maybe I'll email so she'll be prepared to discuss it with me next week.

Originally Posted by Rivrboat

My T has made repeated mistakes of a critical nature. I wanted to know everything and confronted him several times with the facts I knew to be true. Not only would he not admit to what he did but he denied everything right to my face. My T cannot admit to any of his mistakes and it is definitely an eye opener for me. I am extremely hurt by his lies. And YES I would want to know and hear an apology. Unfortunately, my T is above all that.

Hopefully, other T's out there will own up to being human. You will be glad you did.

I'm really sorry that your T denied his mistakes. You sound angry and bitter, and hurt. I'm wondering why you are still seeing this T!

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

Rainbow, I am a bit confused- are you saying that she offered to hold your hand, promised never to take that away and then broke that promise too?
That sounds inconsistent and a bit scary.

Do you think that the reason you think it may be 'unprofessional' is more to do with you seeing your T as someone who can do no wrong? If you recognise that she can/does make mistakes, it means that seeing her as a flawed human being and therefore not being able to keep her on that pedestal? You may also think that the fact that she is human means that she has the ability to hurt you? Some 'perfect' T (or person) wouldn't have this ability, so the fact that she has made mistakes may scare you for this reason?

Maybe the way she dealt with holding her hand is one of her mistakes. Yes, every time I asked her she said she would never take it away. Maybe at the times I asked that was true. It was fine with her for a long time, for about a year, maybe. I know that. She didn't lie. I certainly see her as flawed now. I know I've had problems with seeing her as perfect, and I still haven't accepted her divorce. I also wanted to believe, like she told me, that IFS and EMDR would help me. But EMDR didn't, even though she kept telling me it would change my brain. Now she says SE is much better for me, though it's kind of like EMDR, working with my body. I feel let-down by her mistakes, and I'm also grieving that she's not the "answer" to my problems. No T is the answer. I'm facing reality and it's hard for me. I know it's good for me, too, though, and means I am getting "through" the layers now, and maybe an end is in sight.

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

My T has owned up to various mistakes he's made... and he's the only person who has really ever apologized to me sincerely. Or at all, really.

I tend to notice the mistakes right away though... as does he as I will not react well. But he's human, and I go back anyway even though it terrifies me as I don't do conflict... and don't really know how to handle someone else apologizing.

It's actually been one of the most helpful things with my T, that he could never plan for.

Perhaps your T wants to help you with being more forgiving before you and her part ways, or become more accepting of others having flaws? It's worth asking her why she would bring it up with you.

Yes, it's a good idea to ask her WHY she's bringing it up, not only WHAT the mistakes were. Thank you. Yes, I see the flaws in others and in myself and I need to be more accepting. I'm glad I started this thread. It's been helpful and eye-opening for me.

[nottrustin]

What types of mistakes are we talking about??

The only mistake that I have noticed is once in the almost 6 years we have been working together she double booked herself. She has her own business and does all her schedule. She apologized repeatedly. I told her not to worry about it. I live about 1 1/2 miles from her office and told her I would be back for a later appointment. I figure I double book myself all the time so why could I be upset that she accidentally did.

The only other time that I can think of her apologizing was when I was in a really bad space but never told her how bad things were. So she didn't know until something bad happened. But she kept apologizing for not seeing it...it wasn't her fault that I was keeping my mask on even when with her.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I feel let-down by her mistakes, and I'm also grieving that she's not the "answer" to my problems. No T is the answer. I'm facing reality and it's hard for me. I know it's good for me, too, though, and means I am getting "through" the layers now, and maybe an end is in sight.

Oh Rainbow, I hope its OK with you if I send you a huge hug. I know how hard this is, to come to the realisation that the only person who can 'cure' yourself, is yourself. It's painful. I remember that realisation happening to me about a year ago.

I used to be convinced that my T (and a previous T) just needed to wave their magic wand, give me some pills, and hey presto, i'd be 'fixed'. And that the only reason I wasn't 'fixed' was because they didn't want to wave that wand for me, because they didn't like me enough

(((((((((((((((Rainbow8))))))))))))))))).

[msxyz]

My therapist doesn't have to tell me when he makes mistakes, I point them out for him.

[SeekerOfLife]

Yes, I would respect her more if she admitted it, and then we worked through it.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

At my last session (a lot happened at that session!) my T told me that she's made mistakes with me. I let that statement pass me by, but now I can't help wondering. Do I have the right to know what mistakes she thinks she made? Has your T ever told you that? Would you ask what the mistakes were? I don't know if I want to know or not! My gut feeling is that it's about her boundaries but maybe not.

If it was me, yes, I'd definitely want to know. And I'd definitely ask.

Things like this, imo, are part of the therapy itself. Working through the acceptance and forgiveness, the honesty of admission; the intimacy. The bond that stays intact through good times and bad.

My T admitted a couple of things to me...we worked through it and our bond was stronger afterwards.

Are you going to ask her? Might it be hard not to given that she already brought up the issue?

At my last session (a lot happened at that session!) my T told me that she's made mistakes with me.

I think your T telling you this is a sign of maturity/growth of the relationship. Truly.

edit: I didn't see page 2 before I replied. I see you are scared to ask her. What would be the worst that could happen (if you want to say)?

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Is there a difference between "mistakes" and things that just don't help? Maybe it's just semantics, but my T has apologized when she has said or done something that wasn't helpful. Or she's just acknowledged that it isn't helpful to me and hasn't done it again.

Mistakes seem like something else to me-- in part because I don't think psychotherapy is a science, so it's not like someone put the wrong food in the rat's cage or anything. I'm not sure there are mistakes in psychotherapy like that.

But I also think that my T's mistakes or misfires or bad landings or whatever are not really the substance of my therapy that moves me forward. She might make 100 mistakes, that doesn't mean that I'm making progress. She might make no mistakes, that still doesn't mean I'm making progress. Progress is based on what I do, not what she does. Labeling what she said or did a mistake does not help me move forward. If anything, it focuses me on her behavior, which does not help me do better myself.

Originally Posted by seekersinking

Yes, I would respect her more if she admitted it, and then we worked through it.