[AmysJourney]

I am rather new here, this is my first post. But I have read a lot in this forum and it has helped me in many ways. So first of all, thank you to all you brave people in here for being so honest and open and helpful to us out there who may struggle with similar challenges in our life!!

Here is my question.. I am 30 years old and I suffer from PTSD. I have suffered 16 years of severe sexual abuse and violence and even now as an adult this man is obsessed with me. I move a lot. Despite that, I have turned out to be quite okay :-) I have a good career which I love, I am able to have (somewhat) healthy relationships and I have a genuine love for people, especially those who are vulnerable.
I entered therapy 3 months ago and even though I was horrified that I might have to see a few therapists before finding one that is a good fit, I stuck with the first therapist I saw. She is kind, caring and very helpful. I saw her a few times and I told her my story, which was so very important to me. I could sense that she was going easy on me with asking questions so I told her to challenge me and not treat me with silky gloves. Since then I have achieved so much and I genuinely believe this woman has saved me.
She saved me especially with some things that I seem to read a lot about in here.
The things that seem very controversial! For example, she tells me that she can hold my hand, if it will help me. (I never said yes, but I feel comforted that she feels this is appropriate or helpful) When I am in distress, I text or email her and she responds within a short time with encouraging words. She tells me about her faith, which we share. She just seems to be the best of the best and for me she is a life saver. I do not feel any transference, I am very clear about boundaries, hers and mine and I have a very good sense about when I might be in danger of overstepping boundaries etc. My therapist tells me that she thinks I am an amazing survivor. She tells me I am on her mind in between sessions. She makes me feel absolutely safe and cared for. She advocates for me.

But here is the thing.. A couple of very good friends think, that my therapist "cares too much". They think she is too attached to me or I am too attached to her etc. That she shouldn't have feelings for me.. (You know what I mean, not the sexual kind of course!) It hurts me to hear that, because how can something that is so helpful to someone like me, be bad in someone else's eyes? All my life I had to struggle and now that I find I have help it seems it bothers some people.. Am I too attached? Is it wrong for my therapist to have genuine feelings toward me? Is it wrong for her to care so much?

I mean, wouldn't everyone want a therapist like her? I don't get it.. Or am I just not clear about what therapy is? Should I re-examine my therapeutic relationship with her, even if she helps me heal? I feel it makes me angry that so many people have criticism for therapists who treat patients well and go above and beyond for a healing result. I don't feel like a wallet filler, I feel like a respected client.

Thanks in advance for all your thoughts on this..

[Petra5ed]

Always, always, trust your gut. I've heard it mentioned before that friends sometimes just don't get therapy. I've even had a similar thing with a friend that thinks my T is a predator for hugging me. Sometimes it's best not to talk about it with other people since they aren't really trained to give a professional opinion.

A therapist has to care, so I don't get that... usually their caring is genuine unless they are some oddball sociopath, but you would have alarm bells sounding if that was the case. Don't re-examine the relationship if it feels good!

[Leah123]

I don't think you sound too attached at all or that your therapist is doing anything inappropriate. Remember, attachment is critical in many types of successful therapy. The standard I go by is if I am making progress, the therapy isn't broken, so why fix it?

Everything you wrote sounds fairly typical to me. Certainly there is a range of therapeutic styles, and some will be stricter and more of a blank slate than others, but that's not a gold standard, just another approach.

[HazelGirl]

Your T sounds like mine. And no, there's nothing bad or unhealthy about it. It sounds like you have found a wonderful T who fits you and your life well.

[lk1973]

The attachment between you and your therapist sounds natural and good. You are sharing really deep emotions and wounds, and a great therapist will care about you in the midst of that. It would be concerning if you did NOT feel your therapist cares. Sharing the same faith may add an extra level to your experience that is HEALTHY. If you did not feel that connection with your therapist, if you did not feel that your therapist really cares, you would not get nearly as much out of therapy. (This is supported by research.) Sounds like you have the right person for you. Move forward with confidence. (From: Another therapist who cares)

[tealBumblebee]

{Sorry for the book}

Hi Amelia,

I actually have been in the same boat with you and reading all of these horror stories on hear has completely freaked me out and made me insecure with our relationship. However, I did a self evaluation (which I would offer you to do as well) and really thought about my own boundaries and hers and I have chosen to be okay with the fact that she is a caring (seemingly amazing) therapist. Like you, i've had my friends tell me that I am too attached, I had one friend who is a future T flat out say "she is not your friend" and i've had another friend who is currently a T who I've discussed a few things feel that my T could put up more boundaries but the more we talk about things the more she feels that T is actually in fact, a good T for me.

People can only make their judgements based on the things we tell them; so when they hear about all the pleasantries they assume its crossing a boundary. They don't know the circumstances that led to those events, your prior history, your T's thoughts on relationships as part of the therapeutic process. I think that you should be aware (as not to be manipulated) but I also think that it is up to T to be responsible for their own boundaries that don't violate yours. I have openly asked my T when she did something for me financially if she was practicing good self care by doing that and she made it clear that she is a-okay.

I don't actually know if T would hold my hand, but I know she will hug me if I ask (which I don't) and like you, it is comforting to know that. Like you, she responds within 3-24 hours to my emails (once even in like 10 minutes because she happened to be online), she too shares her faith and I, also, do not feel any transference. There was one point where I let PC do too much to my thought system and thought that because I missed her that I was experiencing transference and things would get all messed up now because I was too attached etc. I drunk emailed her (please don't ever do that) and told her said things and she told me it was okay to feel attached to her. It wasn't a sexual thing, it wasn't relating her to any missing vital person in my life - I just missed her. We had formed a bond, she was a safe person for me so it was natural to want to go back to that safe, loving place.

There is really not much that you've said that I can not relate to my own T experience. And I disagree that she should not have feelings for you. It does hurt when people tell you that, and it's made me lose faith a little in my T who has shown me nothing but a compassionate, trusting, balanced relationship - all because I let what other people said cause intrusive thoughts. One thing my T told me is that she would stick by me and show me that 'not all relationships end the same way.' If I continue believing what others tell me than I'm sabotaging my own healing, as are you. She's made it clear to me that she is not perfect but she is in this with me and if I don't make the CHOICE to believe her - I'll never reach a point of healing.

I do think its a bit controversial and I'm totally with you, I used to get angry and defensive about it as well. But I realized that not everyone has had or will have that experience, not everyone has or will have those same needs and it is ultimately up to you to decide who is right for your life and your healing. I can't tell you that things won't change, but T and I have been in this together for 8 months now and we're still going strong. Good luck.

[AmysJourney]

Thank you so much for your helpful insights! I helps me to read your replies and to know that being with this therapist is not as unhealthy as some of my friends seem to think!!
Thank you.

Hi Amelia,

It seems like you two have a healthy, intimate relationship.

I do personally think (and have experienced it) that therapists get attached to clients, which can result in a very safe and positive experience for both T and client. Every dyad is unique.

If its working for you, then who cares what anyone else thinks? Its your therapy, not anyone elses.

[mazing]

I have to agree - I don't see anything inappropriate from what you have said. Everyone has a different idea of what therapy should look like and what therapists should do. What you find comforting and helpful may not be the same for someone else but that doesn't mean it's wrong. As long as you are comfortable with it and it is helping you then I don't see the problem

[stopdog]

I would not like a therapist as you described. But if it is working for you, then I would not worry about it.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would not like a therapist as you described. But if it is working for you, then I would not worry about it.

May I ask why?