[withoutthelove_]

(not really related to therapy but ..)

So this week, while I was in class, I got a notification from eBay on my phone that said an item ('The Princess *****face Syndrome' book) had been shipped. I share the eBay account with my mother, so I knew it was her who bought it.
Get this - the book is about raising highly sexualised, rebellious, disrespectful adolescent girls. The problem? My mother doesn't have a daughter like that (I'm the only girl).

I'm furious. I contemplated how to handle it with her (she has multiple narcissistic qualities, I'm the scapegoat), as any contact I have with her right now is either overly sweet (on her part, she's overcompensating) or tense and/or heated. I can rationalise that she's bought this book as a way to reassure herself that I'M the problem in the family; not her.
I stopped myself from emailing T about it, reasoning that I can't always run to her with my problems because SHE'S NOT MY MUM. And then today she walked past me in town, smiled and said hello.
My heart just .... cracked.
Why was I given such a heartless, cold, insight-less woman as a mother, and this beautiful, talented, kind woman as ONLY my therapist?

Does the transference ever do away? Will I ever be able to accept that T can't be my mother, and that she can't be my "good enough mother"?
I'm so hurt and lost, I don't know where to turn or what to do.

[CantExplain]

((WTL))

I can see that you are upset.

It does get better. I never ask 'why' now, because I'm fully engaged with my life now.
Takes some time, but what a journey.
I think back to 'who' I was before therapy, and feel I've been given a 2nd chance.
And what a chance it is.
Trying to figure out a narcissistic mother is like trying to teach a pig to sing.
Age & therapy has been my saviour.

[elliemay]

Your mom and that book WTH? Unacceptable behaviour on her part.

When I first started therapy, I thought it to be very cruel. It felt as though it gave me a taste (and just a taste) of what should have been. I wondered if I had just been better never knowing. It actually made me a whole lot sadder and angrier.

Well, as it turns out, those were feelings that I had feel. It's grief over our losses (which is funny because how can you lose something you never had, but therapy highlighted I never had it).

Some years ago I could have written your post word for word.

So. Does it get better? WOuld it help you to know that today I am filled with only gratitude at the way my therapist treated me? That it makes me happy to know that kind of kindness can actually exist? That it's improved my life and my relationships immensely because that kind of kindness and caring have to be present in some form in those I love now? That I can give it to myself?

It's just human nature to want *more* of something that's good, whether it's a feeling or a relationship or a food. We're hardwired that way. Try not to be so hard on yourself for what it instrinsic to us all. In this case, I think it's a natural extension of the fact that, when treated with kindness, that you still can respond. That part of you is not dead. Those around you haven't killed it.

In that way - you won. Your heart may be broken right now, but it still works. Part of it is still open to the best this world has to offer.

So... does it get better? You bet. Does the "wanting" go away. It does.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I realize this is unsolicited advice, but I thought there was a chance it would be helpful to you:

Stop sharing an ebay account with your mother. Tighten your boundaries in this relationship until they work for you, until you have the contact (or not) as you want. Eliminate interactions or events or topics of conversation that you don't want to deal with. Consider whether you should break ties with her completely, at least temporarily.

I think if you take action to change your relationship with her, rather than continuing to put yourself in a position where she can engage you through these kinds of passive aggressive techniques, you will no longer be in situations where you "want" something from her.

[withoutthelove_]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I realize this is unsolicited advice, but I thought there was a chance it would be helpful to you:

Stop sharing an ebay account with your mother. Tighten your boundaries in this relationship until they work for you, until you have the contact (or not) as you want. Eliminate interactions or events or topics of conversation that you don't want to deal with. Consider whether you should break ties with her completely, at least temporarily.

I think if you take action to change your relationship with her, rather than continuing to put yourself in a position where she can engage you through these kinds of passive aggressive techniques, you will no longer be in situations where you "want" something from her.

How can I set boundaries and limit contact if I live with her? I'm nearly eighteen but I'm nowhere near ready to move out, I'm still too dependent on both parents for school, transport, money, etc.

Thank you for your advice .. I'll do my best