Horribly jealous of T's daughter

I think it might be because if she did abandon me, it would be really REALLY messy and I shouldn't be so dependent on one person I guess. And that's true. But the thing is that this really isn't a therapy relationship. It might have been at one time, but it certainly isn't now. It's not even a life coach relationship. It's sorta a partial surrogate mother relationship. I guess the problem also is that we do sometimes do therapy type stuff so it's kinda like getting therapy from a friend ish not really. She's referred to it as like a casual therapy thing but with lots of emotional stuff. Non professional I guess.

I'm not sure anyone is telling me to stop seeing her. Just to add on a traditional therapist. I don't really know

Right.

Right again. And stop the "casual therapy" with LCM. Clarity of purpose and meaningful boundaries with each person will help a lot.

I see. Abandonment is a risk in any intimate relationship--there is an ever-growing list of PC members who were abandoned by licensed Ts. But relationships are so worth it. I think your dependency issues remain central to your relationships until you work them out with a competent T. LCM seems like an adaptive relationship strategy, imo, rather than a maladaptive one. It's not ideal, but it still has positive components...

Thanks so much for explaining, Bill. I agree with everything you said here. It must have been only in my mind that I was hearing "get rid of LCM". Seriously-that's why I asked.

Yeah. My TT was licensed and she abandoned me.

A little over an hour ago, I narrowly escaped being mugged by this drunk and angry homeless man who followed me into a store. That cat that comforted me the other day made an appearance while the man was in my face, yelling at me, and the cat walked in between my legs which resulted in distracting the man long enough for me to run away. I was horribly shaken and I emailed LCM what happened because sometimes that helps. She read it, called me and talked me through it at 1am on a Sunday. Maybe we have poor boundaries and maybe it would be better if we did things a little differently but she is amazing and I do benefit from having her in my life. Maybe she isn't perfect and maybe I get hurt occasionally, but she is worth it. No one is ever there for me at 1am when I'm scared. I know it was a coincidence that she happened to be up and read my email, but she was still there. I'm not going to leave her. Ever.

I'm so grateful that you are okay and i am glad that LCM was there tor you.

growli. I have been reading your posts about LC(not mom)and as usual I am probably going to be unpopular for this response but again I don't necessarily think this relationship has to be bad or unhealthy. that is up to you. you can learn so much about healthy relationships and life from this person. I don't see your relationship with this person as a problem but you refusal to work on how to have a healthy relationship with her. maybe this is a good goal. I thought seeing these other T's were a requirement for being able to be in this school .how is that working out with them leaving? just wondering . I just hope some day you will be able to focus on the relationship that she has to offer .it seems wonderful and can be amazingly helpful in teaching you the things you seem to not understand about navigating life. instead of trying to make it into something that it isn't .that is ware the hurt comes in. without the boundaries of a T relationship LC might just be able to become a good friend to you not a mother and believe me in some cases this is more beneficial. why would she want to act as a mother to another adult. you say you have no good friends, the ones you have are mean .LC could be a great friend, a safe person who could teach you so much about life if you were able to just accept the relationship for what it is

I told the school what happened upfront in a personal meeting with one of the deans. If I tried to hide it, it might have looked like I was avoiding having a TT. They were understanding and sympathetic of the situation. I still need a new TT.

I'm not really sure I'm refusing to work on it because I didn't really choose to see her in this light. It's just how it ended up. I'm trying to change the way I see her and be more reasonable, but it's really difficult to do with all of my issues and lack of guidance. I just don't exactly think it is fair to say I'm "refusing" to work on it when a lot of this is outside my conscious control and telling myself over and over that she isn't my mom hurts too much to do on my own. I'm also not convinced that I'm wrong to see gee as a mom. I'm also not wrong to want her to literally be my mom because we all want things. The problem is that I struggle to accept her as a mother figure as opposed to a literal mother.

But other than that, I agree.

I guess you are all ok . I wish you well.

I, too don't advocate for getting rid of LC. However, Growli, and I know I will be highly unpopular for not just going along to get along,

I think a good first step for you in establishing a good boundary for yourself would be to catch yourself and stop calling her mom. No amount of calling her mom is going to make it so, so just stop tormenting yourself with calling her that. It just adds to the emotional conflict you are experiencing.

I can't imagine how incredibly painful it was not having a loving mom and I don't blame you at all for wanting that type of relationship.

LC can still be there for you in a motherly role just don't call her as such, because she isn't. You are only adding immense pain for yourself by continuing to do so despite know she will never be your mother.

I don't understand the problem with the word. I don't really know what the word "mom" means. I mean, I do but not at an intimate level. I don't really know what it is like to have a normal healthy mom. It's a concept rather than a hard and fast title. What is so wrong with using the word? I could call her by any other name and the feelings would still be the same.

Growli, the more you "pretend" that she's your mom, the worse it will be. She isn't your mother and she never will be. End of story.

You got dealt a poor hand in life. But it's up to you how you play it. Do you keep trying to throw the cards back at the dealer and choose your own (keep pretending LCM is your mother)? That's not how the game is played. You have to accept that you were given a sh**ty hand and figure out how to play without breaking the rules.

By calling her mom you are setting yourself up for more disappointment. It's fantasy. The more you call her mom the more you are going to put her into the role of mom's that you've seen in other people's lives - and she can't and will never be that. By calling her mom you are enmeshing yourself with her in a way that will ultimately not be healthy - you're encouraging your own dependence on her when her job is to help you ultimately be independent.

It's alright to care about her, and to rely on her, but you're encouraging your own dependence on her and there's no structure to it. You and her should be working towards getting you to feel a healthy attachment for her, not encouraging becoming dependent on her.

Just my opinion.

Sibling rivalry is difficult, but you and LCM will get through this too.

Hi growlithing,

I think that word implies a connection/bond between the two of you that I don't think you can ever have. I also think it puts an awful lot of pressure on her to be responsible for you in a way that is not only impractical, but I also think impossible. She has her own family to take care of, and you have yourself to look after. I do think she can be a good role model for you, and I do not advocate cutting ties with her altogether...but I really hope your next therapist becomes someone whom you can trust and work towards your own goals with. I think a good therapeutic alliance would help to equalize some of your feelings toward LCM.

The FACT is she is NOT your mom and you continue to torture yourself in this fantasy of her being your mom. She is NOT your mother and NEVER will be. Call her a T or a Life coach...your feeling won't change but your perception of the relationship will and maybe that will help with the intensity of the feelings and put them in their "proper" place.

YOU deserve to get well but until you believe that or at least fake like you believe it and try the advice given consistently you will never know the joy that comes after the work that needs to be done. It may take a while to see results but jump in and do what people are suggesting here. You might save yourself from some pain and see real results in what I hope is a goal toward wellness/happiness.

What is your goal in having LC , a TT, and a T at school? Maybe you could start there. Put some definitive goals on paper that you want to accomplish with all this support being given to you. Make the most of what is offered to you instead of throwing it away with intellectualizing and millions of questions. As Nike used to say "Just do it!"

Everyone here wants to help you but it gets ever frustrating when someone seemingly refuses to take the help given. I know I truly hope the best for you sooner rather than later! I really hope for the day you can come here and announce progress forward!

I really am sorry if this comes across harsh but know that it is because I wish I could help you more and it's just my frustration with not being able to do so.

Emotional turmoil is NOT fun no matter the kind. Just take suggestions here we truly want to help you in any way we can but you have to put forth consistent effort toward your goals.

It's not that simple. I'm not refusing help. I can't just snap my fingers and be okay with the fact that I'll never have a mother and I'll never have a father. I can't just tell myself it doesn't bother me and move forward. It doesn't work like that. If it did, no one would have problems with any mental illness. You can't just tell yourself you are happy and put on a smile and get over depression. It doesn't work like that. Maybe this seems different because it isn't a literal mental illness, but if I had a good relationship with my parents and then they died, you couldn't just expect me to overcome it by deciding it doesn't bother me anymore. This is the same type of thing. You guys are telling me to stop thinking of her as a mom and I don't know how. I can try to correct myself when I call her that in my mind, but it doesn't change the feelings and it's the scar that just won't stop bleeding. I can't just do it. I don't know how. Instructions weren't clear enough. I got my **** caught in a ceiling fan.

Maybe it is that I'm avoiding figuring out how to change because I'm scared of it. I don't want to shift my entire perception on life. My paradigm keeps me safe and comforts me. I have a hard enough time leaving my bed and facing the world. Leaving my entire place of mind seems like a couple jumps too far.

I don't know what I want. I want to stay in school. I want to be away from my parents. I don't know what progress is because I was never "okay" and because of that, I don't actually think I believe I'm capable of getting better. I just do this stuff because I feel like I have to for school, because I went through stuff and when stuff like that happens, you're supposed to "get help", and to feel less alone in the world.

You don't have to be "okay" with it. I don't think anyone can ever be okay with it. But you can't keep looking for it because it will never happen. You have to get angry and feel all the horrible, messy pain that truth holds. What's happening now is that you keep wanting LCM to help you avoid that pain by putting her in the position of mother. When it becomes obvious she isn't, instead of seeing that pain for what it is (grief that you didn't have parents who were there for you), you hurt yourself to distract from it. It solved nothing and continues to encourage this cycle.

Nevermind...peace out.

Growly, I agree with Melissa and hazel girl , I know that you keep saying you don't know how, you don't have guidance and what not.

You have DBt and a school t and you had a tt , and soon enough you will have another tt, but sometimes people are comfortable being miserable than changing, because its easier and they are afraid of change or being independent.

Sorry to be blunt , you deserve to be happyAnd it's all we wish for you. But right now you are doing the dance of misery and victim.

You survived alot of horrible stuff. But you are in victim mode, you have alot of positive things going on, you are in school, you have DBt , t and soon a tt you have financial support for school. Support from pc. And your life coach.

You continue this unhealthy viscous cycle, I only wish the best for you. You need to take THE FIRST STEP.

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I think the concept of "mother" shown on this thread is needlessly narrow and that saddens me. There are definite problems with Growli's situation that I've defined above as I see them. But Growli, I don't believe that your feelings and their process are the problem. In fact, I believe your healing will be found through them.

Which is why I said I don't really think the word "mother" is the problem and I don't think changing the word would fix the problem. I don't have a narrow concept of it because it's kind of an abstract concept to me. She can be a "mother" to me. Not a mother that a six year old has that makes her dinner, sends her to school, and is there for her almost constantly, but a mother like what people my age experience. Living outside the home but calling and talking and guiding me. Not controlling everything.

The problem is the haphazard situation in which I'm seeing her. I'm seeing her on either Tuesday or Wednesday this week at a time not set at an approximate location.

Simply put a problem stays a problem until one does something to resolve it.

Personally, I feel like everyone is allowed and deserves to be a victim if they have been victimized. I feel like people who were victims of child abuse or domestic violence or assault or anything of that nature need to be allowed to suffer from the after effects without being guilted by being told they are "playing the victim". I am playing the victim because my mind doesn't know anything else. As a result of my past, I've gotten a bit trapped in learned helplessness. I can acknowledge that. I don't believe I'm capable of being a full and healthy adult and I grab on to people like LCM and want them to rescue me. It isn't good because I know I ultimately have to save myself, but my reluctance to do so isn't me "playing the victim", it's a result of finally finding a place of mind that makes me feel safe, loved, and cared for, and not being convinced I can ever find that again. So I end up making excuses to maintain the status quo. I'm not wallowing in my own pity. I'm hiding in safety but getting terribly upset when the safe spot isn't actually completely safe. Plus even if I were wallowing in self pity, I think that people should allow themselves to experience that.

I'm just trying to object to the whole calling me a victim thing. If I'm "doing the dance of the victim", I'm doing it because it's all I know how to do at this point in my life and it's all I have to make me feel safe.

To add to this, she'd likely have to disavow her feelings to just stop doing what she's doing. Is it a good idea to suppress all of these feelings? I know I've spent years in psychotherapy trying to access disavowed emotions so that I can work through them.

I think it's good that you are talking about these feelings, Growli. Hopefully things will run their natural course when you have a steady T with whom to process and grieve. It won't be easy.

Personally I think your T is being a little insensitive here. She has a nice logic to excuse her child appearing in your therapy as being a therapeutic opportunity but it seems to me to be highly inappropriate given where you are at emotionally at this time. I think your feelings are quite natural given the circumstances.