My therapist has offered me a job

Doesn't seem to be UKCP no, but registered with other legit membership bodies yes.

I wasn't uncomfortable - I was certainly very surprised by the offer, intrigued, and uncertain about which way to proceed. Here seemed a good place to put the idea up for assessment, and I'm glad I did.

I don't think she's encouraging dependency, because it's not like it's an idea for permanent employment. It has a timescale on it - until I get an offer of a proper full time position in the next few months. She's not trying to clip my wings. More like she's trying to patch up my rather broken wings a bit until I can take flight

I do have a slight wariness about it changing the relationship. But to be perfectly honest I feel I already see her completely differently now anyway. I have seen different sides of my therapist lately and learned a lot (well to me it feels like a lot) more about her as a fully-rounded human being. This in itself is fine.

I just don't know. I suppose in my untrained and unsophisticated layman's point of view, it does feel like the relationship with my therapist has veered a bit outside a traditional therapeutic framework - and that's whether I work for her or not. I don't necessarily feel it's a bad thing to have gone like this but I really am confused by where I stand. I think tomorrow in my session I need a thorough conversation about boundaries, and where they are now and what happened before - why did I make her deviate from her normal boundaries? That is a small thorn in my side because this has happened to me before. People love me, think I'm great for a little while - and then suddenly I irritate them majorly even though I've not done anything different to usual. And they leave. She keeps saying she isn't leaving but after last week's session my trust is sadly not like it was. Trust arrives on foot but leaves on horseback, as they say

I think a good discussion about boundaries is a great idea. Not sure how you could have "made" her deviate from hers, though: she's in charge of hers, just as you're in charge of yours. Maybe I missed something somewhere, but did something happen to change the balance in your relationship recently, before the job offer?

No, she's just mentioned that her boundaries are normally very good but with me they are not. And that our dynamic is different to her other clients. I'm not entirely sure what this even means, and I need to have a fuller discussion about what it does mean.

This worries me a bit because...it just does, I can't even say why exactly. I just want to be uncomplicated and normal. I feel like I did something wrong and that's what led to the last session being so awful, but I don't know where the boundary lines actually are. I've kept asking if I've hurt a boundary, or come too close to one, at times along the way through the relationship when I wondered if I was leaning too much on her, etc, and she always said no. But now the boundaries seem to be an issue.

I don't know how to start the conversation. What kind of good questions about boundaries should I make a note to ask??

You know, my T once said something like that to me. And what it reflected was that he had "crossed" a boundary he had never questioned before with any other clients and was doubting himself and if he'd made the right decision.

I was in a difficult phase and for a time I was getting very stirred up in sessions and unable to ground myself. I saw him at night, and was finding myself bursting into tears in my car. I'd have to sit there until I could get control before driving home. One night he left the office and I was still sitting in my car, and he left (which was fine with me.)

But the next week he brought it up because he was uncomfortable leaving me there, saying it wasn't safe. So he started asking me at the end of sessions if I wanted to remain in the office for a while--usually about 10 minutes--while he went to the outer office to do his notes or whatever before leaving for the night.

So I would stay. I usually would switch and sit in his chair. It was warm, and I felt held sitting there, and I would be able to calm myself. He'd come back when it was time to leave, and it was fine. But one night he came back and I was not OK. It had been one of the most difficult sessions ever and I was in a state. He talked to me for a few minutes, and then said in kind of an exasperated tone that maybe he'd made a mistake letting me stay. I know he was annoyed and doubting himself, not annoyed with me, though of course it felt upsetting in the moment. I think I said something like "I don't know what you want of me."

By the next week we'd sorted it out and I explained how I felt sitting in his chair helped me. That the issues of that session were unique and extreme.
His concern was that his boundary crossing had encouraged me to regress. So his instinct had been that the boundary crossing would be beneficial for me, but then doubted his decision, and that frustrated him.

It just feels to me like your T is struggling with similar doubts about how she's changed her boundaries with you and whether she's done the right thing. Not all boundary crossings are a bad thing; it's more nuanced than that. So I think a frank discussion of why she believes she's changed boundaries is a place to begin. Don't assume responsibility for her boundary decisions--it's not your responsibility to hold.

Hmm. I'm already finding it slightly frustrating that I emailed her several days ago saying to let me know when she would be free to discuss it, and have not heard back. My session is tomorrow, which means we'll probably discuss the job thing during it, which to me is already not keeping them separate. Her setting boundaries with me as her client seem a bit mixed in with not coming back to me to discuss the idea of working for her. But maybe I'm just impatient and have unrealistic expectations. I literally cannot tell if I'm being unreasonable. ARGHH.

I think the discussion about boundaries is bigger than the discussion about the job. And I agree that the session time shouldn't be devoted to the job discussion. The results of the boundaries discussion may very well determine if the job will still be a reality.

Thank you for this. I can see a lot of resonance with what I'm experiencing. I'm so very glad you and your therapist were able to work out the crossed wire here, and continue on your remarkable relationship.

I definitely agree that boundary crossings can be sources of immense Good Things I am with you when you say not all boundary crossings are a bad thing.

I'm just muddled about things.

I am not sure it would be good to have your therapist also be your employer...how would she keep therapy and the job separate? I just think it would make it a very weird therapist-client relationship. But that is just my thoughts on it.

WHAT!? On the 13th of March you said she said this "We're supposed to see each other for one two hour session a week now with no contact in between" and now she wants you to be her PA!??

I almost can't believe you I'm really sorry. If you are telling the truth then I stand by my previous advice: RUN. Your therapist is an absolute nutter. Like really way out in crazy town.

If she is not with UKCP who is she with? BACP?

I SO feel for you, this is scarily wrong.

And also the opposite.

Yes, I am telling the truth. I know it's a bit unusual. I was startled too, hence my threads trying to process how I feel about it all, and what to do.

My therapist is not a nutter. I love her. Pretty sure she loves me too. It's just gone a bit off track, I think. I'm not going to jump ship because I don't think it's something irreparable and I don't think I'd learn anything by running away.

ETA: Yep, I wasn't supposed to have contact in between after the last session. But I called and left a message saying how upset I was at this, so that night it was ok for me to email in between again. And a bit of texting but I don't think I'm supposed to be doing that, even though it was her who instigated texting again. Which is why I need a good discussion on boundaries tomorrow. I really am not clear what I should or shouldn't be doing anymore. So I just wing it which is not ideal at all.