Afraid to move forward...

So, my T is a very busy lady. I realized that I had been really distracting and deflecting from the big/hard stuff. So a couple of weeks ago, I called her and asked her if I could start seeing her twice a week at least while we start the big/hard stuff because I needed that extra support if we were to really get into it.She agreed to it. So I called the office to schedule it (her appointments are all booked through the front office), and I start twice a week in April. She was completely booked for like 3 weeks (I always have a month of appointments at a time). So it's coming...the big stuff, the hard stuff. I'm terrified.

I have been tracking my mood, and different aspects of my mood, as well as behaviors, etc. And things are improving a bit. Which when she looked at my chart on Friday, it seemed to coincide with the increase in my cymbalta - so it's good to know that it is helping some. She said that this is good because when we start getting into everything, it provides more of a cushion.

I'm terrified though...terrified that getting into all of this will send me spiraling down again. I am still quite depressed - but I'm not feeling suicidal everyday or having thoughts of hurting myself everyday. And while I seem to still be restricting some (not all the time though) even thoughts of purging have decreased. I worry that it's going to come back - I can't remember a time in the past few years that I had gone more than 2-3 days without those thoughts and urges...until the past week or so.

I don't want it to come back.

You seem very self-aware and you are doing all the right things. I hope it won't be so bad this time round. That's the way it goes: things do come back, but less and less each time.

thanks CantExplain...

last summer I took a Human Sexuality course for my masters degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I had to write a sexual autobiography. It was difficult. It triggered crazy flashbacks and nightmares. I had to get multiple extensions for it, just to get through writing it. Then I had to conquer editing it. I haven't even looked at it since.

On Friday I just barely started reading it to her. Just the introduction. Where I mention the fear of writing it. And we talked about my fear of actually saying it out loud. It was hard enough writing it. I know I NEED to go through it, but I'm terrified. Not only of how much more real it will feel by saying it out loud, but I totally fear rejection -- which we talked about. I realize that I know I can totally trust her, but it's all the fears of rejection and all the rejection and abandonment that I've experienced in my life.

She has NEVER done or said anything that makes me think she would.