[HazelGirl]

I have a session with my T today, and I am nervous because I have to talk about some of the hardest things for me to discuss. I have seriously negative thoughts about myself that can in a single evening take me from "okay" to suicidal in just a few hours. We tried to talk about them once, but I ended up projecting those thoughts onto my T and thinking she believed them about me even as she said the exact opposite to me. It was not good.

I know they're rooted in my childhood, but it's so hard to discuss them. I feel so overwhelmed and terrified of them and of telling others about them. I feel so much shame about how much I hate myself sometimes, and I also feel like I am looking for attention or something like that when I try to talk about them. It makes it so difficult when I even imagine trying to talk about them.

And it's especially important to bring it up today because I had a really bad day one day this past week, and I didn't contact my T even though I know she would have wanted me to. I need to tell her that. And I am ashamed of it and I am worried she will be disappointed in me and tired of dealing with these things.

Ugh...it's just scary.

[Bipolarchic14]

Hazel girl...your therapist is not going to think you are looking for attention. I don't know all the details but for many patients, the ability to handle some of this without automatically getting your therapist involved is a positive step and is not attention seeking. Additionally, I am sure your therapist has worked with many patients with childhood trauma and though working through this will be difficult, it will improve your life in the long run. So when you are in there struggling with this, remember that you deserve a better life and a more stable life and whatever childhood trauma you faced is not your fault.

[HazelGirl]

I wish me not contacting my T was positive. It was really just me running from help and using old coping mechanisms that harm me in the long run. I am in the middle of trauma work, and it does suck. Big time. But this is definitely the absolute hardest part of it. Trying to talk about it is paralyzing and terrifying. But I need to do it eventually.

[Bipolarchic14]

I see... Well you will be discussing it today which is not using the old coping skills and it shows strength. Good luck with your session today.

[granite1]

how did things work out

[sweepy62]

Hi, you can do it, I always count on your advice, I have a session on wed, and I know its going to be veered to that subject. So take the same advice you give me ok. Its scary. I been fighting negative urges too. You can do it.

[RTerroni]

Hope it went well

[HazelGirl]

I survived. We talked about it. And we talked about how my hypersensitivity makes it all much more difficult and painful than it would be for a normal person. A situation recently was triggering to me, but I didn't realize it and I blamed myself rather than seeing it for what it was: a trigger that reminded me of my childhood.

Overall, it went well and I feel like I was heard and validated.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I survived. We talked about it. And we talked about how my hypersensitivity makes it all much more difficult and painful than it would be for a normal person. A situation recently was triggering to me, but I didn't realize it and I blamed myself rather than seeing it for what it was: a trigger that reminded me of my childhood.

Overall, it went well and I feel like I was heard and validated.

Glad it went well for you, HazelGirl. You hit the jackpot with your T, as I have said many times in the past and will say many times in the future.

[RTerroni]

Glad to hear that it went well.

[HazelGirl]

I think she is extremely good at her job, and our personalities fit well. She also specializes in pretty much all of my problems, and has 20+ years experience in therapy, both as a client and as a therapist. Our life experiences are similar, too, which I think helps both of us in understanding each other. So yeah, you could say I hit the jackpot

[Bipolarchic14]

That's awesome. I am glad your session went well.

[SeekerOfLife]

I had a session today too but it got cancelled due to the weather.

[Bipolarchic14]

I had that happen once too. Very disappointing.