This post is a crazy stream of consciousness. Read at your own risk!

So I wanna text my therapist telling him that I got a raise today. We were just talking on Friday (in session) about me asking for one at work, and how I was nervous and waiting for the results. I got one, and am happy, and of course my immediate reaction is to text him and tell him the exciting news.

But then I think, wait. Why would he care? That, and I don't want to bombard him cause I already texted him over the weekend with a photo I took in the park. He had implied on Friday's session that I didn't have many hobbies, and I wanted to show him physical evidence that actually I DO have interests in some things...photography being one of them.

Anyway. This post is kind of a cluster****. Sorry about that. lol.

I feel like when I first met him, he seemed very aggressive, but after I told him about my transference type feelings, he's gotten extremely passive about it. I think it's obvious I'm still feeling things for him, as I'm wanting to text him all the time.

There's still that part of me that wants to quit therapy and just ask if he wants to give it a go with me. I realize that this is insane, and that yes, California does have a two year waiting limit. It's just the more I've gotten to know him, the more I feel like I really am crazy in love with him. Obviously I disclose more than he does, because it's MY therapy...but from what I've gotten to know about him, plus our rapport together...it's interesting.

Sometimes I tell myself he's like this with all his patients, but I'm starting to wonder. He still can be very flirty towards me, even after my mentioning the transference. You're probably all gonna tell me to take a hint and just switch to another therapist.

My feelings aside, he really is doing awesome work with me. When I'm in the room, I can actually take his advice to heart. I've made some tremendous changes in my life. I've become much more confident.

I do want these feelings to go away, yet I don't. I realize if I keep going this way that I'm probably gonna get myself terminated, even though he said he would never do that--even after I admitted my feelings to him. But the fact that they haven't even disappeared after two months or so.....granted, we haven't talked about them since.

Ugh. Sorry you guys. I'm at work on my lunch break and a little over-excited about my raise and kinda just rambling on.

In summation: I'm terribly in love with my therapist. I realize that now. But I really really really want to put my feelings aside and just have him be what he is simply supposed to be to me-- a proper therapist.

Then there's the other side that just fantasizes running away with him and living lavishly. I mean, after all, I said that if only we had met at a difference time, place, or situation, and he said, "Good point." Sad that I'm hanging onto that. And that he's 40 years my senior. I'm a nut case.

I think I just gotta take this thing by the balls and talk to him about my transference AGAIN. Maybe he'll take it seriously this time. I feel awful cause he is such great therapist and an intelligent man. It's like I'm ruining him just by having these feelings to begin with. I need to let the poor man do his job, and stop the fantasies.

And on that note, I'm gonna end this here. Many apologies for this post.

I think the fantasy about running away with T is run of the mill, haha. Common, understandable, not problematic *unless* your work, home life, etc. really suffers because of it, or if you are not making progress in therapy because of it.

Instead of putting your feelings for him aside, btw, might make it easier to express them plainly and work through them. I think pushing feelings off can often strengthen them, of course, depends on your therapy and goals and what impact the feelings are having on both. I don't think it's ruining the therapy- I think recognizing what you find so attractive and being able to discuss it are both really good signs of self-awareness and assertiveness that will serve you in the rest of your life, even though they may seem counter-productive or embarrassing right now.

I would tell him about the raise. I used to think I could/should only talk about horrible problems in therapy, but my therapist has really encouraged me to share the positives, and I think it helps bring a little needed balance to the room.

Also, congratulations on the raise!!! That's great news!

Thanks, about the raise. So do you think I should text him this news, or wait till Friday's session? I mean...it is relevant to last week's session. Not like I'm telling him I saw a great movie lately, haha.

I have to work through this, but I just don't know how. If only he could teach me.

Well, do you two text for other reasons? Do you think he's okay with text in general? I remember the first time I sent my own therapist a really short email letting her know some good news- she was absolutely delighted, she encouraged me to always share the positive.

So... if it were me, I'd text him if you have inter-session contact otherwise. If you don't normally ever do it... maybe wait. That's just me though- for you, I'd say, ask yourself what the best and worst possible outcomes are and go with your judgment.

No, we often text about all sorts of things. Mostly my emotions, which vary from day to day (or week, whichever). He has to calm me down a lot.

I COULD tell him about this news, but I don't wanna bother him even more than I already have. Even though he's said before I "could never both him." Mmmhmm. One day he will crack. I'm sure he'd be happy about this though. :P

I believe that hearing good news from you would be a positive then. If you're already texting him about problems.... this could be a nice change of pace. It does remind me of the situation with my therapist, and she replied positively. It seems the worst case scenario would be for him to tell you you couldn't text him good news again, or not to text at all, I suppose, though I don't see this as being the text that would break the camel's back?

I think if you're anxious about texting in general, worthwhile to discuss that again, but... I don't see in context that sending him the news would be unwelcome. Some therapists really do root for us and are happy when we succeed, they don't see hearing about our success as a waste of time.

Or, you could save it to brighten up your Friday session.