Don't want to talk about termination

After three years, school T is leaving in May. She keeps wanting to start talking about it. She wants to talk to me about my feelings about her leaving and kept trying to weave it into the session today despite me repeatedly telling her "no" with various levels of almost aggression. I ended up leaving the session early. I don't want to talk to her about it. I don't want closure. I don't want to keep seeing her. Why bother at this point? I've pulled away from her so far already. Why build back emotions only to let myself get hurt?

She said she wanted to reflect and give me plenty of time to talk about things and she would hate for me to have left something unsaid and regret it later. I told her it's not like she's dying. I could write her a letter if I really wanted to tell her something. I got really angry and left. I didn't want to talk about anything. She'd say something and I'd immediately shut her down regardless of what she said.

But I left the session and immediately went to the store. I impulsively got skittles. It wasn't until I looked at the bag in my apartment that I remembered that skittles were my late assistant principal/first mother figure in my life who died of cancer three years ago favorite snack. The first time I met her, she offered me skittles. I said no. She laughed and said she doesn't understand ever turning down an offer of skittles. I said no because I don't eat food from strangers. I don't trust them.

I don't really know how to lace the two situations together but I know they are related. I know I have feelings about this but I can't make myself talk about them.

I think if you tell her what you've written here, it will help both you and her.

How would it help me? It feels like giving my feelings attention just encourages them and I don't want that. I get annoyed whenever she tries to talk and I don't know why

Because your feelings need attention and they will only get worse when they're ignored.

Unless I ignore them forever

But you can't. They just continue to get louder until they overwhelm you. I know it's painful and scary to deal with them, but the alternative is a miserable, numb life.

I don't want her to know that I care even though she probably does because I did kinda storm out today. I guess it just makes it more real. I don't want it to be real.

Aww! I know it's painful! Can you at least process it with a different T? The problem is that whether you want her to or not, she is leaving. And you can choose to face that and work through it, or watch her leave and deal with it all being horribly and painfully unresolved. It sucks either way, but ignoring it now will only suck even more.

I can talk about it to LCM. The problem is that I want her to stop bringing it up because I get very easily panicked about the summer just in general and I'm really just not in the mood to start this panic so early and knowing she's leaving makes it a little harder even though I don't like her that much. I did at one point but I pulled back HARD when I came back to school. Maybe it's all just a defense

I think it is a defense. It's very natural, but I want to encourage you to step past it if you can. Let her talk about it and let yourself talk about those feelings. It will be easier that way.

Closure with school T can include telling her you are mad and disappointed in her.

But I don't have a right to be mad at her. She has to do what's best for her. I'm not disappointed in her. She has to take the next step in her life even if that next step doesn't include me.

Sure you do, have every right. Telling her the truth about how you feel could help you AND help her be a better T in the future to others.

You have a right to all of your feelings. You feel this way for a reason.

I know I'd say the same thing your guys are saying to me if I were in your situation talking to someone saying they don't have a right to feel an emotion. I just feel really self centered and unreasonable because of it to the point where I want to just deny that it is there.

Facing and articulating your feelings, whatever they are, is doing the work and a gift to your T, not an unreasonable demand.

Your feelings are not unreasonable or wrong. They make sense. I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. And your T will be able to as well.

Growlithing, I may be a little unpopular with what I am going to say - but you know I like you and have no intent to hurt your feelings.
I agree with all the others have said.
BUT - sometimes it is important to give someone else a gentle push.

You know yourself, that the reaction you had, rushing out of the room, pouting, being angry, doing the monkey "not hearing, not seeing, not speaking" thing, being unreasonable - (yep, that's a little what you are) and you know that, your responds to this thread show that. So what does that sound like? It is not usually a reaction an adult would have. It sounds like the reaction of a child who is afraid, a child who rebels against an authority figure to keep in control, a child who wants attention, a child whose way to "punish" the bigger people is to pout and throw tantrums.

I know, even if some people will criticize me for saying this, that you know, that basically what happened was a child throwing a tantrum. And it's ok to feel what you feel, I agree with all that. But there is a point, when you will have to react to this as the more adult person that you are too.
So one way to tackle this - after you have allowed yourself to feel what you felt - is to change your perspective from child to adult. And yes, that IS easy! Because look at this thread, the way you express yourself, the way you analyze things - that is not a child! That is an adult. You express yourself really well. And an adult can chose or at least control their feelings, that is our big advantage over children.

We don't have to be victims of our feelings, we can be the gatekeepers of our feelings. If you really want to deal with this situation, your adult side has to become more dominant. Because you know that the T will leave, you know you don't want to punish her for doing that, you know that even though you are not as close to her as LCM, you still are attached and you don't want to lose anybody any more and feel abandoned. If you know all this, in the adult way you can find ways to deal with this - like writing music, keeping a journal, talking about these feelings with the T. You are equipped with everything you need. You are not a helpless child any more.

But, if for now you feel more comfortable in the child mode, how do children get out of their tantrums? They usually cry and scream for a while and eventually they either get what they want or they realize nobody "buys" their act and they calm themselves down - of course with a big frown on their faces to make sure mom knows exactly how much she was hurt her little angel.. :-)
So, when you're ready, you can calm yourself down and it will become easier. Because you know you probably won't get what you want.

With love,
Amelia

I feel like I regress during therapy. I feel like when I'm actually in front of or on the phone with these women, I melt down into a giant child. Partially because I get scared and partially because they give me the room to be really obnoxious without hurting me afterwards. Maybe they feel like I need a safe place to act out my emotions so long as they aren't violent or anything.

I don't like being so obnoxious. I don't like how I sometimes feel like a sloppy college kid before my sessions and then in therapy feeling like a very little girl. I just shut down and get scared and push them away then pull them back.

I don't know. I am fine outside of therapy with handling my feelings relating to this and analyzing it. But within it, I have a very hard time talking about anything. I'd honestly rather just not see her anymore. My sessions have been so awkward recently anyway and I hate feeling like this