How would this make you feel?

So much has been happening for me, I kind of am only coming back to this now - I don't think I'm entirely comfortable, but maybe I'm being over sensitive or picking holes in something.

As I have mentioned before, I am being seen for free at the moment. However, a couple of sessions ago - the same one where my therapist said the job she offered me was filled, so was preoccupied with that - she commented that she had managed to get a new social mental health strategy off the ground, thanks to the brilliant new PA that got the job And I was the first person to benefit from this - basically, a rich client paid the $200 for my session. Out of gratitude, for the help he received himself.

He wouldn't know who I am, or anything. But my T told him I was really struggling for money at the moment, and they agreed to pass the money onto me. I definitely felt weird about this at the time, and said I'd prefer her to keep the money, and she said no, we would prefer you to have it.

I was embarrassed. It's sensitive enough going for free sessions, without this. And I know she was trying to help but...I don't know. Incidentally, at our last session it wasn't mentioned again anyway, so it hasn't been a thing. But thinking on it makes me a bit queasy. It's actually doing a nice job at dampening down my romantic ardour, however. I feel annoyed and wary again.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I possibly being unreasonable and finding fault to try to seize an excuse to be pissed with her so I can avoid the romantic feelings?

Would you be ok with a situation like this?

How did the rich client end up paying for your session, i am kind of confused, well i am always confused lol, but anyway, if thats what they did and wanted to do, you should not feel bad.

It's like a scheme that she wants to develop. Where wealthy patrons sponsor sessions for poor clients. Great idea, but I wish she had not discussed any of it with me.

If this was me I'd feel gratitude at first, but also sad that I wasn't able to pay for myself but somebody who had been successful financially could do so. Their charity was a lovely gesture, but its a grand one.

How so you feel about accepting gifts in life usually?

Your T's heart was in the right place but she and the PA did not think it through at all. I am stunned that she actually said what she did to the other client.

It's a good idea, and executed properly could really beneficial to the clients who need help, and not make them feel bad. They should create a program where clients who are able can dontate in general to the practice. It should be for the benefit of all clients who might be struggling for money, not just one. That keeps it totally anonymous, no boundaries are blurred and no one is made to feel awkward.

And yes, she should not have said anything to you. I think it would be good for you to discuss this with your T after the feelings have settled a bit so she doesn't turn it around on you, becuase I really think your T didn't use her best judgement and your reaction is normal. Let her know you appreciate the gesture and that her idea is great, but that there may be different ways to put it into action (or something to that effect?)

It is a very common practice for services to be paid for through donations from others who choose to do so as a measure of good will. I see this happen in almost every setting I am part of. I've been the recipient myself on several occasions. I'm completely grateful and relieved for those actions off help.

I think you are maybe right that you are using this kind help as a reason to be angry. If you are really angry, why not explore where that anger is really coming from. Usually for me that anger is more about me than anyone else.

It sounded at first like the money was used to pay for your session. I can see why you'd be uneasy, I would too.

However, I believe what you're saying is your T "wanted you to have the money" directly- did she give you the $200? Because I think that's completely inappropriate, personally, unless you need food money or something perhaps, but it's just so..... boundary blurring as to make me a bit dizzy. I would not want my therapist giving me cash under any circumstances- it seems like the boundaries and power differential are already really skewed. I mean... if you *need* the money to live... I will back off from my judgement, but... I'm concerned, initially.

Would you clarify what happened?

P.S. I'm not judging you. Whether you accepted money or not, not an issue to me. I'm completely concerned about your therapist, not you.

I don't know, this is yet another thing that makes me very confused about your therapist! Before I go on, I want to say, how very kind of this client to "pay back" to other people! That is really cool!

But in my -sorry - VERY honest opinion, this was handled incredibly bad. It made you feel embarrassed, it shows she shared personal information (even if not identifying - I would be furious if my therapist shared with a stranger what my financial situation is!) with someone else (what else did she share?), it was insensitive, it was not very well thought through at all. A therapist should know these kind of things and the repercussions in can have.
If they wanted to do something good for you, why not simply say "We have this new strategy that helps clients who struggle with financial issues to pay for their sessions and we have decided you will be one of those clients"? I think that would have been within acceptable boundaries to do that.
Offering cash to you can have a series of problems - how will if affect your relationship? How will you feel towards her? Who will you thank for this? Will you feel indebted to your therapist?

I am not saying that giving money to someone in need is wrong - it can be the kindest, most thoughtful thing but at the same time it can be the most complicated thing in this world. It needs sensitivity and care. She should have perhaps explored this topic before jumping it at you without preparation.

It would make me feel incredibly unworthy and poor!
Your ts heart is in the right place and carried out professionally and discreetly- this could be brilliant. The so called rich clients should not have been told directly about any individual clients and of course you should not have been told either. I would almost feel like it was a dig at me, even though she knows you can't pay she tells you someone else paid- talk about guilt tripping!

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The scheme is in its infancy and I am the first person to benefit from it. I wholeheartedly believe it to be a great idea, and I am grateful - what I am not grateful for, however, is the conversation which took place between her and the guy who paid, that they agreed the money should go to me. I don't want the money, and I also don't want to know about the discussion with that guy. I also especially don't want to know about how the PA is being such an important part of this new thing, whenever I feel that could have been me, contributing and making a difference - instead of being a charity case.

I do think it was insensitive.

Yes, she said she would give me the money as soon as the check cleared. I said no, didn't want it. She said she wanted me to have it and so did the guy. Silence. No more was said at the next session.

Urgh it's just more of the ongoing muddle that is my therapy right now. Tired of it.

Your therapy does sound like a huge muddle, based on all the recent threads. I am sorry. It reminds me a bit of one of my early therapists. Is this woman an intern, by chance? She seems out of touch with typical client/therapist boundary issues and like a social-worker (save the world) type with a huge heart, but lacking the skillset to execute her ideas appropriately.

Is it me, or are your sessions being coopted by all these issues? Are you getting some benefit from the therapy lately? Sounds like her issues and her plans are really intruding. What a shame free sessions come with so many complications. I'd hope it would just be done more graciously, right, if she's going to give a gift of free sessions, she should just give it, and let it be, not bring it up all these different ways.

I really wish I could give you my T! You need someone who helps you and genuinely understands you, cares about you, respects you. I hope there will be some more structure and health in this relationship for you soon, this seems extremely tiring!

Leah - no, not an intern. Nearly 20 years of experience. I am starting to get very bewildered and question if it's right to continue seeing her. She has done immense good, that at my core I feel will never be undone which is great - but maybe now the paradox is to use those positive changes to execute a healthy change for me and leave therapy with her.

I'm not really focusing on my original issues, no. I'm too self-conscious of the last couple of times I spoke without censoring myself getting me into trouble with her.

The time we had the exceedingly rough session and I thought she was far too harsh - one of the things she threw in my face was that I had not taken up her offer to sell stuff on ebay for her and split the money. I was uncomfortable with the money thing then too, but just let it go and didn't mention it. But she cited it as an example of me not using opportunities to be proactively helping myself. So this has happened before.

She also (dons hard hat and prepares to be flamed by entire PC world) has loaned me a small sum of money before, to see a p doc. My mother refused to, I had vague ideas I would ask a friend but didn't say anything in session so it was probably my own fault. She loaned me the money, but I definitely will pay her that back at some point. It was a one off.

oh boy. I read your last post and I see red flags everywhere. Even offering a client a job is a boundary issue, because it changes the relationship and power structure. (and then not following through!)

Wow....Your T throwing it in your face that you won't sell stuff on Ebay for her.... don't you see the problem with this "therapeutic relationship?"
You are in a position of "owing" her....

You should never have to "censor" yourself in therapy.... it's about you...and what you need to discuss to make progress.

I think it can only get worse.... sorry.

I'm certainly not going to flame you. Listen... if I needed money and someone who cared about me offered it, I might take it. Plus, I know nothing about your financial situation except it's a struggle, and it's none of my business. So, I'm not really judging the $ amount or anything, I am just more concerned that she is acting so.....

like a caretaker, a rescuer, and conversely, like she can not truly give you a gift. She said the sessions were free, but she did not apparently mean it. She keeps trying, in all these ways, to renegotiate that and she is being exceedingly unclear, based on this thread and the others. Really, really ambivalent, and I just don't think it's helpful at all, but that it's so much complicating things that it seems really counterproductive. When did "free" ever have more strings!

I see your point about questioning whether the relationship is still healing for you. I can't say from my seat, but no flaming anyway, just hope that you sort it out soon in a way that's a relief for you! Nothing worse than therapy causing issues you need therapy to deal with! Been there, done that!!

P.S. You might try throwing the term "dual relationship" at her. Jeeze, asking you to work for her (employee), asking you to sell online for her (agent), asking someone to give you money (benefactor)..... all dual relationships, and typically really frowned upon by the entire therapeutic community. I figure there are always exceptions to the rules... but I'm not sure hers are good exceptions...

Wow I see how this is so uncomfortable for you, I am seeing the whole picture, while she has helped you, the relationship, has been blurred in many ways, through no fault of your own.

you have even been made to feel guilty about the ebay thing, when she was the one crossing boundaries. I guess she thought since you were seeing her for free meant boundaries went out the window? sorry if im being judgemental, I hate to see you in a muddle.

I have a feeling she would say she didn't throw it in my face, that I am projecting, that she merely was pointing out my being passive at not taking up a chance to do something positive for myself But I was not entirely comfortable with the ebay idea, I'm not sure how positive it would have been.

I'm worried about it getting worse too, hence my deluge of posts

I can't work out what to do. I feel like, I would be absolutely fine going in and working through a bunch of this stuff on an intellectual level, maybe delving at some points into the emotional. But I think I will have to shut down a part of me (my vulnerability, perhaps?) to do this, because I am NOT going to get to a place where I feel I'm pathetically chasing my therapist for crumbs of affection or validation or love or any of the good stuff that was there before.

But is there point in doing therapy in a guarded state? Pissed off. It took me ages to accept my vulnerability, and now I feel I'm being punished for being really vulnerable with her and not getting better quick enough. But I don't feel I was wrong to be vulnerable, because it has been backed up in my other relationships that it is better for me to be authentic with others, and let them see my pain etc sometimes. Confusing.

I would HATE this. For so many reasons. I'm not clear either on exactly how this scheme was used and whether you got the money directly or whatever but either way, i would have real issue with this.

No it wouldn't be directly, at all. It's supposed to be so wealthy sponsors donate the price of a session for a patient. Which I think is awesome. Not awesome was my therapist's suggestion that she pass the cash onto me. It made it all very personal and deliberate.

But what i don't understand is, if it's supposed to be a donation to the price of a session... then why does she want to give you the actual cash? To do what with it?

Because she knows I'm on the bones of my arse financially at the moment.

To me that is a blatant misuse of the money that was given by one client in the belief that it goes specifically towards paying for a session. That's like putting money in a charity jar thinking it goes to sick kids but finding out it goes towards a new piece of art work for the hospital.

I'm not judging you in anyway, but this is very wrong in my opinion. And bordering on fraud.

Er no, not fraud at all - she discussed it with the client and they agreed to give the money to me.

To reiterate, I don't want the money. I have not seen the money. I have no idea what happened the money, the check might have bounced for all I know. I just wish I didn't know about the conversation with the client regarding the money.

i dunno the whole situation is very off.

I didn't suggest you took the money or want it or anything else. I'm only commenting on the situation.