T texting IN my session, need some help here.

Ambra · 03:00 PM

When I posted this I was prepared to read "you're making a big deal out of nothing" which I haven't so far.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

When she picked it up and looked at it, I completely shut down. I simply stopped speaking. I was cut to the core.
It took a fairly significant rupture over it before she finally understood. I said something really shocking to try to drive it home - "To me it's no different than if you're in the middle of great sex and getting ready to orgasm, and your mate reaches to grab that phone that alerted him a text just came in. So that's what it feels like to me." Ever since then, she has made a point to turn her phone off in front of me at the beginning of session.

Wow Crescent Moon, I probably would have needed another therapist just to put up with that! The sex thing cracked me up - It was effective at least, lol.
Yeah it is both things I guess.
Thank you for the tips, I hadn't thought about saying I don't want to upset her or be critical in advance. Unless I totally forget it for some miracle by next week, I'll start this way. About T helping, I'm sure it will turn out well, it will just feel very awkward to bring it up. Reading your opinions made me think about my therapy and look for other signs that might have led me feel like this for a text, but the conclusion is that I need constant reassurance and often tend to expect abandonment or disappointing reactions from T that have actually never come. Well I'm also very shy by character which doesn't help when it comes to bring things up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

You know what strikes me about what you say here, is that you are seeing this as an either/or situation, whereby if you pursue how her sneaky texting made you feel and what it means to you, that might end up with your having to leave and find another T. But the point (one would hope anyway) is that you are able to say to her how it made you feel AND still have a close and connected relationship with her.

Yes, I have this thought in my mind that "I have to behave" which is quite difficult to uproot and I hate to bring things up. This is actually something I'm working on in therapy: stand up for myself, funny isn't it! I was terminated out of the blue in the past and maybe this makes me see it as an either/or situation but you helped me realize once again that just because it happened it doesn't have to happen again.. still have to get used to it.

gabbygrayice · Apr 06, 2014, 04:40 PM

It was inappropriate for her to be checking her phone under her desk while you were speaking. You should bring it up because it seems from your posts that it is causing you some anxiety and distress as it would a lot of people. You don't need to worry about offending her. For one, therapy is not cheap and you are paying her. She works for you. So just like a manager wouldn't allow their employee to text on the job and wouldn't feel bad about saying so, you don't need to feel bad either. I know that therapists seem to be authority figures, but in reality, they are paid by you to provide a service. So really, you are the one with more power and she should be the one afraid of offending you. Sure she could have just been shutting her phone off, but the way she did it looked to you to be disrespectful and you have every right to say "Listen, I just wanted to say that I noticed you checking your phone under your desk the other day while I was talking and I would appreciate it if in the future you would refrain from doing so." Just like if a friend came over to your house and started texting while you were speaking to them. It's rude and people should be called out on it. People need to be reminded to use manners now a ways! But you have every right to feel how you feel and express that feeling. Thats what she's there for and if she can't take the small criticism then she needs to be in an entirely different profession.

unaluna · Apr 06, 2014, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

You know what strikes me about what you say here, is that you are seeing this as an either/or situation, whereby if you pursue how her sneaky texting made you feel and what it means to you, that might end up with your having to leave and find another T. But the point (one would hope anyway) is that you are able to say to her how it made you feel AND still have a close and connected relationship with her.

Your feeling upset or angry or hurt by her texting doesn't mean that either she will retaliate or that you have to be prepared to walk out. Though I understand very well how it feels that way, especially if it's one negative thing in a relationship that has been generally very positive, where you think that focusing on that one negative thing will turn the whole relationship negative. I would hope not!

Good luck to you

Ive been watching reruns of The Real McCoys, which i dont think have been shown much and boy do i know why. Ol Grampa liked to give ultimatums like that - its horrible to watch. The other night he fired the hired hand from the family, after telling him for years that he was a member of the family. I was like, now i know where my parents got their parenting skills from. Ultimatums and he never apologizes. All or nothing.

Mactastic · Apr 06, 2014, 04:47 PM

This would devastate me and I can understand why you're so upset. I agree with everyone else that you have every right to bring this up and it will only fester until you do. Best of luck!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

purplemystery · Apr 06, 2014, 05:28 PM

I also agree with everyone, and I would be very hurt. Technology frustrates me enough because my friends do that to me all the time, so it would bother me. I hope you can find the courage to bring this up with her!

Fermata · Apr 06, 2014, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ambra

Last session I was processing a major rupture with my family and I was pretty numb. After that I moved on to other topics as a lot has been going on lately and I ended up talking briefly about someone. It was the first time ever I mentioned that so I really don't think she got an idea of how important this figure has been in my life.

Anyway while I was talking I noticed she was using her phone under the desk to text someone. She tried to hide it and it lasted just a few seconds I guess. I ignored that but I'm actually bothered by it. I wonder for how long I didn't have her attention, if she had to text for something else that was clearly enough important to catch her attention.

I would have been fine with it, really. But I wish she had said she was going to text or whatever instead of hoping I wouldn't notice. I would have appreciate that a lot, I don't understand. She got a call at our very first session and I remember saying, "please go on maybe it's an emergency" and she went "I don't pick it up while in session".

I would rather not bring it up because it might be not even a client but something personal and I don't want to question or accuse her plus she has been great with me in the past. She read tons of letters between sessions. She doesn't usually allow out of session texts or emails but once I was in crisis and I wrote her and she got back to me immediately. Or maybe she usually does and has set these boundaries with me because I'm an obedient client not likely to break them..? I feel stupid thinking that someone else is allowed to break them. Last week I asked her if we could reschedule a session and she read it immediately but answered more than one day later. I want her to be attuned again. But I can't even complain about her not being attuned because she always was, I think so at least.

Sorry for being so childish, I really hate myself for this.
I'm going to move far away and this week I'm forced to visit the place where the worst things of my life happened and I'm aware of being particularly needy now. I'd like to just forget it because I desperately need her now, I can't talk to her otherwise.
Maybe I'm being too dramatic.

I'm sorry that you feel your T let you down in your last session =( Perhaps your T was indeed aware of how sensitive you were feeling, and maybe she didn't want to interrupt (hence the discreet texting) because you were talking about an important family issue, followed by your experience of someone so significant to you? Based on her past behaviour, it is likely she was responding to an urgent text -- you said she responds quickly in a crisis and responds more slowly for less urgent matters (like rescheduling an appointment). It would be unethical for her to respond this way to some patients but not others. Apparently she ignores phone calls, and from what you said, she hasn't taken calls during any of your sessions.

Maybe your current emotionally fragile state has caused you to jump to conclusions about your T? It is great that she thinks about you in her own time by reading the letters you've written for her. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with each other, and there is every chance your T is still attuned to you. I hope it all works out =)

Ambra · Apr 12, 2014, 07:16 AM

Hi, I wanted to update you without starting another thread. Last session went well, T actually brought it up before I had the time to think about it. I didn't expect that at all but am glad about it. I said I can be boring sometimes when I'm confused and zone out and she said it's not what she thinks and to feel free to share my doubts with her as it is always helpful for her to understand me better and build an increasingly honest relationship. We had a slow session discussing about other topics and I really liked the relaxed pace and the fact that it was way more comfortable than I had imagined. Thank you for your help.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Menu

T texting IN my session, need some help here.

My Support Forums