She said it out loud...

AmysJourney · Apr 07, 2014, 07:27 PM

So you all know I have an amazing T. I like her mostly because she is so wonderfully human. She is wise and funny and has a lot of insight. She is warm and empathetic but also straight forward. (Well, sometimes I have to remind her that she still can be straight forward even with my health situation).
She is also moody sometimes, impulsive, a tiny bit forgetful and a wise-*** like me sometimes :-)
I really like her beautiful imperfection.
We see each other two or three times a week at the moment, mostly because my time is running out, no so much because I need her so often.
Today in session I was a little moody myself. I snapped a little when she was so sweet to me and told her that I am not a helpless baby chicken.
Her response to that hit me off guard:
"Amelia, I know you are strong. I know you are brave and I know you don't want any pity. I know you are determined to convince yourself and the world and me right here that you can do this all and that you're fine. But you're not. Let's look at the reality here. You don't have much time left. That is the reality. We both know it! I am talking to your doctors many times a week, I have asked every question possible to find out if there is a chance. Medically there is none. It is hard to accept that reality but it is and will stay a reality unless God has a different plan for you. So why don't we concentrate on the reality at hand and leave the past be for now? What I wish for you is that we can work out a practical plan on how the next few weeks can work, I want to be here when you grieve and when you are sad... " And she went on about my options and all that blahblah and I sat there thinking this was not at all what I wanted to hear! I thought, how dare she tell me what is important right now? And how dare she speak out loud what she knows I don't want to hear? I was so furious, I wanted the session to end right there and then.
I felt I was getting tearful with anger at her and she asked me if I would like her to hold my hand or if I would like a hug. I snapped at her, saying NO in my sharpest voice. I felt like I had a broken heart. Like she had betrayed me somehow.

Later, a few hours after the session, my anger subsided and I realized that she was actually right. Every word she said was true and I needed someone to tell me straight and in brutal honesty what the reality is right now. And when I realized how spot on her response was, I suddenly started to feel - for the first time - real grief and real sadness and I broke down in tears. And now I feel so grateful for her honesty and once again her tough love but most of all for trusting me that she could be this honest with me and not cause a huge rupture. In her way she showed me I still was strong as I believe she wouldn't have allowed herself to become so strict and straight forward if she believed I couldn't handle it.
I believe more and more now in therapists who know their clients well enough to make a judgment on what they can really handle. And I am glad I got one of those.

PeeJay · Apr 07, 2014, 07:37 PM

Wow. That is so powerful. Thank you for sharing your journey here, with us strangers. Your therapist sounds like a gem. But mostly she sounds like a real and attuned human being, and that is a wonderful compliment.

AmysJourney · Apr 07, 2014, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Wow. That is so powerful. Thank you for sharing your journey here, with us strangers. Your therapist sounds like a gem. But mostly she sounds like a real and attuned human being, and that is a wonderful compliment.

Thank you PeeJay!

PeeJay · Apr 07, 2014, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmysJourney

Thank you PeeJay!

you are welcome, but thank you. The other thing I love about this moment, is that your therapist did not allow her own fear of death to get in the way of helping you. It may not have been easy for her to say what she did, and yet she said it anyway because she knew that you needed to hear it.

no doubt, working with you is having a profound impact on her life, as well as yours.

AmysJourney · Apr 07, 2014, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeeJay

you are welcome, but thank you. The other thing I love about this moment, is that your therapist did not allow her own fear of death to get in the way of helping you. It may not have been easy for her to say what she did, and yet she said it anyway because she knew that you needed to hear it.

no doubt, working with you is having a profound impact on her life, as well as yours.

Oh yes, that is true. I can see it in her every time we meet and I can feel it in myself too. My support system is not very big, so she is a huge part of my journey and even though I wish sometimes I could be the girl I was when I came into her office a few months ago, I am so grateful that she has walked this journey with me, even though now I look like a zombie :-)

sweepy62 · Apr 07, 2014, 07:47 PM

I hate that this is happening to you, im sorry to be so blunt about it, but its the way I feel, sending yo hugs, I will get in touch with you later.

AmysJourney · Apr 07, 2014, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I hate that this is happening to you, im sorry to be so blunt about it, but its the way I feel, sending yo hugs, I will get in touch with you later.

Looking forward to that, have missed you :-) And its's ok, you can be blunt, sweepy. I hate it too!

Apr 07, 2014, 07:51 PM

we dont even know you irl but we are sad and already miss you we are sorry

♥

AmysJourney · Apr 07, 2014, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by invisible butterfly

we dont even know you irl but we are sad and already miss you we are sorry

♥

Aw, thank you! That is very sweet of you. But I am still here and won't give up that easily :-)

Lots of love to you!! Will pm later!

Amelia

ListenMoreTalkLess · Apr 07, 2014, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmysJourney

I thought, how dare she tell me what is important right now? And how dare she speak out loud what she knows I don't want to hear?

I think this is often the crux of the matter, to allow ourselves to consider what other people offer us-- not just T's. To be open enough to consider what another person says, and not to be so reactive that we dismiss it just because we disagree with it. To consider and then reject is better than to reject knee-jerk style. To be reflective, as you have been, rather than reactive to messages we don't like. This is the stuff of real change. I know for myself, this is one of the only ways I have been able to change.

I am headstrong, have large opinions, and tend to be stubborn. I am also very independent-minded and I don't like being told what to do. On some occasions, I have allowed my T to help me in this way, and it has made all the difference. You should celebrate.

AmysJourney · Apr 07, 2014, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I think this is often the crux of the matter, to allow ourselves to consider what other people offer us-- not just T's. To be open enough to consider what another person says, and not to be so reactive that we dismiss it just because we disagree with it. To consider and then reject is better than to reject knee-jerk style. To be reflective, as you have been, rather than reactive to messages we don't like. This is the stuff of real change. I know for myself, this is one of the only ways I have been able to change.

I am headstrong, have large opinions, and tend to be stubborn. I am also very independent-minded and I don't like being told what to do. On some occasions, I have allowed my T to help me in this way, and it has made all the difference. You should celebrate.

Haha, you sound like me - all those words describe me quite well too! And you are right, when I considered what she said instead of rejecting it and wallow in my misery, it helped me connect to my feelings and I really needed that strict reality check.
Thanks, LMTL

CantExplain · Apr 07, 2014, 10:23 PM

((Amy))

Petra5ed · Apr 07, 2014, 10:50 PM

I love your therapist, I'm happy you have her. Thanks for sharing your experience with us, I also hate that this is happening to you!

Apr 07, 2014, 11:21 PM

Amy, your strength of mind and faith and character reminds me so much of my sister. I watched her go through this process a few years ago, and I am as in awe of you now as I was of her then. You are blessed with a marvelously intuitive therapist to stand by you through this journey. Thank you for sharing with us.