[Ambra]

I'd like to have your honest opinion on this. As some of you may know I have some self esteem problems but apart from a couple of tough sessions I've always got the most out of therapy and have nothing to complain about my t.
Last session I was processing a major rupture with my family and I was pretty numb. After that I moved on to other topics as a lot has been going on lately and I ended up talking briefly about someone. It was the first time ever I mentioned that so I really don't think she got an idea of how important this figure has been in my life.
Anyway while I was talking I noticed she was using her phone under the desk to text someone. She tried to hide it and it lasted just a few seconds I guess. I ignored that but I'm actually bothered by it. I wonder for how long I didn't have her attention, if she had to text for something else that was clearly enough important to catch her attention.

I would have been fine with it, really. But I wish she had said she was going to text or whatever instead of hoping I wouldn't notice. I would have appreciate that a lot, I don't understand. She got a call at our very first session and I remember saying, "please go on maybe it's an emergency" and she went "I don't pick it up while in session".

I would rather not bring it up because it might be not even a client but something personal and I don't want to question or accuse her plus she has been great with me in the past. She read tons of letters between sessions. She doesn't usually allow out of session texts or emails but once I was in crisis and I wrote her and she got back to me immediately. Or maybe she usually does and has set these boundaries with me because I'm an obedient client not likely to break them..? I feel stupid thinking that someone else is allowed to break them. Last week I asked her if we could reschedule a session and she read it immediately but answered more than one day later. I want her to be attuned again. But I can't even complain about her not being attuned because she always was, I think so at least.

Sorry for being so childish, I really hate myself for this.
I'm going to move far away and this week I'm forced to visit the place where the worst things of my life happened and I'm aware of being particularly needy now. I'd like to just forget it because I desperately need her now, I can't talk to her otherwise.
Maybe I'm being too dramatic.

Can you help me get over this without bringing it up to my therapist? (or maybe I should?) - What do you honestly think, and what would you do?
Thanks a lot.

[HazelGirl]

Everyone is human. We all make mistakes. It's possible that was a one-time mistake. But the only way to know is to bring it up. I know that it's awkward and difficult, but I think that's the quickest and easiest way to solve this problem.

[anilam]

This would bother me a LOT... I wouldn't mind my T telling me he needs to do this/take call/go outside... whatever while in session- granted it wouldn't become a habit. But sneak texting on me? Seriously? We are both adults, so let's try to behave like ones.

[Asiablue]

As far as i'm concerned that is never acceptable. You are paying for that hour. That is one hour of undivided attention. If my T did that i'd be furious.

The only way that would be even slightly acceptable is if there was some sort of real crisis and she let me know in advance... but it would need to be a proper life or death thing. Not a client in crisis.... cos when i'm in crisis i still need to wait till she's got time to speak to me. I wouldn't expect her to take time away from another client.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Everyone is human. We all make mistakes. It's possible that was a one-time mistake. But the only way to know is to bring it up.

Thanks, you are right.. at first I thought that I would bring it up if it happened again, say, at next session. The thing that is really bothering me is for how long she thought about someone else's issues. And I guess I got hurt because she keeps me waiting for answers lately, so definitely doesn't text me during someone else's session.

Originally Posted by anilam

This would bother me a LOT... I wouldn't mind my T telling me he needs to do this/take call/go outside... whatever while in session- granted it wouldn't become a habit. But sneak texting on me? Seriously? We are both adults, so let's try to behave like ones.

I think she did it in good faith not wanting to interrupt me and hoping I wouldn't notice it. But yes, I would have preferred that, like you, and regret not having said anything at the moment, but I didn't think it would bother me so much later. And I don't know how to bring it up without it looking like I'm telling her off or I'm jealous or needy. I'm not even jealous, just feel stupid and "cheated" (don't know how to give the idea).

I know, I'm pathetic. I have to fix this.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Awe you're not being dramatic, you're in a vulnerable state right now. Hiding the text was totally out of line, she should have apologized and let you know she needed to respond quickly. My T looks at her phone to see who is calling or who texted but rarely ever responds. Even then she apologizes and explains exactly why she needed to take it.

I'm still bothered by my T doing this and wish her phone could be put away during our sessions or on silent. I never know how to bring it up so I just deal with it.

If you don't want to bring it up with her it might be best to forgive and move on just so it doesn't eat you alive with everything else you have going on. If she does it again you could bring it up then to resolve the issue.

It's irritating that she did that and even hid it from you like she was a student trying not to get caught texting! But it will feel more peaceful for you give her the benefit of the doubt.

Sorry you're going through some tough things right now.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

You're definitely not pathetic. I would be upset, too. Your feelings are understandable and justified. You have every right to be embarrassed and angry and feeling betrayed. All of those are legitimate and okay feelings to have.

[elliemay]

Unacceptable behaviour. She could have at least said "i'm sorry i need to respond to this" and not tried to hide it. It's just wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

The choice of how to handle it is yours, and you get to decide what you let slide and what needs addressing.

I would just be sure that, should you decide to let it slide, that this choice is based on the fact you can let it slide versus any fear of repercussion should you mention it.

You deserve to be treated well.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

As far as i'm concerned that is never acceptable. You are paying for that hour. That is one hour of undivided attention. If my T did that i'd be furious.

The only way that would be even slightly acceptable is if there was some sort of real crisis and she let me know in advance... but it would need to be a proper life or death thing. Not a client in crisis.... cos when i'm in crisis i still need to wait till she's got time to speak to me. I wouldn't expect her to take time away from another client.

Thanks Asiablue. Actually I contacted another therapist 2 weeks ago, after she wasn't getting back to me for a stupid rescheduling and I was in a bad place (that was just me freaking out and making a big deal out of nothing because I was distressed for some other reasons). I basically wanted to see how it felt but I didn't like that one at all and am not meeting her, while I really do feel good and work well with this one, aside from attachment and whatever.
So given that a new T is not an option so far and hopefully it won't happen again, but I can't help feeling this way and don't want to, would you suggest bringing it up somehow?

[IndestructibleGirl]

I would speak to her about it, and be prepared to let it go if it was a one off. No, it isn't acceptable, but if she can own her mistake do you think you could forgive her this once?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Ambra

Thanks Asiablue. Actually I contacted another therapist 2 weeks ago, after she wasn't getting back to me for a stupid rescheduling and I was in a bad place (that was just me freaking out and making a big deal out of nothing because I was distressed for some other reasons). I basically wanted to see how it felt but I didn't like that one at all and am not meeting her, while I really do feel good and work well with this one, aside from attachment and whatever.
So given that a new T is not an option so far and hopefully it won't happen again, but I can't help feeling this way and don't want to, would you suggest bringing it up somehow?

Yes! Definitely bring it up! If you don't, you will hold onto those difficult feelings and if your T is any good, she will understand you and validate your feelings.

[Ambra]

Thank you for all your responses, I didn't expect such support - you're helping a lot. I'm quite vulnerable at the moment and I can't tell if I'm upset because she was sneak texting or because of the importance of the topic (which seemed just trivial though, because I know myself: I dismiss everything and it sounded like a nonsense chat).

Originally Posted by elliemay

I would just be sure that, should you decide to let it slide, that this choice is based on the fact you can let it slide versus any fear of repercussion should you mention it.

Yes, I wish I was able to really let it slide. But I'm more likely to keep thinking about it so if I still feel this way by next week, I'll bring it up. I just don't know how.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I would speak to her about it, and be prepared to let it go if it was a one off. No, it isn't acceptable, but if she can own her mistake do you think you could forgive her this once?

Of course, I would definitely forgive her for this if it's like you said, we're humans as HazelGirl said. I think that what bothered me the most was the sneak texting (even though I can imagine she just didn't want to interrupt me - I couldn't find another reason given how she's always been with me).
Plus it feels shameful having to do this, like I have to tell her off for this one distraction, or a little child demanding attention which is just what I didn't want to look like.

[Lamplighter]

Wow, I would think that it shouldn't matter how important or trivial the topic was that you were sharing with her, to have a T not only texting while you speak, but doing it sneakily hoping you don't notice would set every red alert alarm off in my head at once.

I read in your posts an all too quick willingness to denigrate your own feelings and needs - that must make it difficult for you to take a stand on your own behalf? I'd have to say that this is something you really do need to bring up with your T, regardless of whether you decide to forgive and forget, or are afraid of upsetting her - you needn't make it critical, you can just focus on how it made you feel - but I do think it's important you can talk about it.

The how of bringing it up? It's just something you might have to push yourself to do in the moment, other threads on here have given the advice of saying in the first place something like, there's something I need to talk to you about today, but it's very difficult for me... and hope that your T is on the ball enough to help you go into it and not just sit there silently waiting for you to go on. Either way though, once you say that, you may as well carry on...

Good luck, I hope you do decide to bring it up, as it sounds like this bothers you on many different levels

you should definitely bring it up. if it was an emergency she could have said so and asked if you minded otherwise its pretty unprofessional at least thats what we think you deserve undivided attention during YOUR time

[emptyspace]

.
It is wrong for a T to text or take calls during a session without telling the client upfront!

I am pretty mellow in therapy and know that there are times that emergencies happen and my T needs to talk with someone, BUT...tell me before my session starts that it might happen.

You are paying for your time and the T's attention. Emergencies happen, but T should be upfront.

[Perna]

My T took "naps" between her sessions or before mine (sometimes I was the only/first/last client?) and she had an alarm in her watch, etc. Once it went off during session because she had gotten up and started the session, forgetting the alarm was still on, LOL. It could be that her phone was buzzing or distracting HER in some way and she was just shutting off that so she could better attend to you; like the phone call (that should not have rung in her office; my T and I had that happen once too, when she forgot to turn off the ringer in the office -- she had been the only one in the office so had been responsible for the phones before my session or something). That she was doing it under the desk/table; she couldn't "see" had to do it by feel? That makes me think it was just to set/clear something, not attend to anything; I think she was still listening to you, not texting or doing anything major/with/for another or her own personal stuff.

[Ambra]

The thing that scares me the most about is to offend her for this only mistake as she never gave me a reason to complain before and to look needy and childish.. it just feels wrong somehow (by the way we ran over by 10 minutes - the text was still during my hour though) and the situation doesn't help because I rely on her a lot, so now I'm clinging to her and I'm even more sensitive about these things.

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

I read in your posts an all too quick willingness to denigrate your own feelings and needs - that must make it difficult for you to take a stand on your own behalf? I'd have to say that this is something you really do need to bring up with your T, regardless of whether you decide to forgive and forget, or are afraid of upsetting her - you needn't make it critical, you can just focus on how it made you feel - but I do think it's important you can talk about it.

Good luck, I hope you do decide to bring it up, as it sounds like this bothers you on many different levels

You are right, that's also what we are working on.. I find it so strange indeed that she didn't bother to explain, and on the other hand she might have thought that it was better to let me talk for this reason as the text - or whatever it was - took a few seconds.

Thank you Perna, I really hope it is like that. I didn't know how to say it in english but at our 1st session the phone was silent, it just showed an incoming call and I saw it because she keeps it on the table. The same way I always see incoming texts appearing (I don't mean I read them) and she never looks at them, actually when I'm particularly tired T notices I focus on her phone screen and she puts the phone away. But I defintely want to forgive and forget after asking her, this is not worth a new t or a rupture ar all. I was thinking, maybe I got so upset because I feel I'm leaving everything and can't stand the idea that T doesn't want to hear me now that I need her. I also will need her to be there next week because I'm going to talk about uncomfortable things and I wonder if I'll manage.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Crescent Moon]

This kind of thing has been a sore spot with me. My amazing therapist always had her cell phone with her, and when it would ding or buzz with a new text coming in or whatever, she would pick it up and glance at it. It bothered me, but before long it happened during a session when I was feeling excruciatingly vulnerable. When she picked it up and looked at it, I completely shut down. I simply stopped speaking. I was cut to the core. When I finally (at another session) was able to discuss it with her, she totally understood and felt bad, etc. But over the next year or so, it would periodically happen. She'd forget to turn her phone off, and she'd invariably get an alert. It took a fairly significant rupture over it before she finally understood. I said something really shocking to try to drive it home - "To me it's no different than if you're in the middle of great sex and getting ready to orgasm, and your mate reaches to grab that phone that alerted him a text just came in. So that's what it feels like to me." Ever since then, she has made a point to turn her phone off in front of me at the beginning of session.

So... I think you need to address it with your therapist. You are paying for her uninterrupted attention during the entire session. She needs to hear you talk about how it made you feel, and how it poked at wounded parts of you.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Ambra

Thank you for all your responses, I didn't expect such support - you're helping a lot. I'm quite vulnerable at the moment and I can't tell if I'm upset because she was sneak texting or because of the importance of the topic.

Why can't it be both?

Originally Posted by Ambra

Yes, I wish I was able to really let it slide. But I'm more likely to keep thinking about it so if I still feel this way by next week, I'll bring it up. I just don't know how.

I think you definitely need to bring it up. All you need to do is, at the very beginning of session, say something along the lines of: "Something happened last session, and I've been unsettled ever since. (She'll say something inviting you to share), and then you respond with something like: "I feel anxious/worried/etc. about telling you, because I don't want it to upset you." And you can just let it unfold, Ambra. If she's a decent therapist she'll be able to help you do that. Approaching it this way is not accusatory or attacking. You're just sharing how it felt to you when you saw her texting. You can even characterize the sneakiness of it as "I know you probably were just trying to be discrete out of respect for my therapy, but I felt so vulnerable at the time that it felt like you were...."

Originally Posted by Ambra

Plus it feels shameful having to do this, like I have to tell her off for this one distraction, or a little child demanding attention which is just what I didn't want to look like.

No, it's not shameful. Talking to her about it is an honest and adult way to address a rupture. If you approach it without being blaming (i.e. - "how could you do something so awful!"), and just talk about how it made you feel, then she will be able to respond without defensiveness. There is nothing shameful about that. And you are not a little child demanding attention. You are a client with a therapist, and she is responsible for giving you her undivided attention. Period.

[Daeva]

Your T shouldn't even be looking at her texts to know she needs to respond to it. My T has her phone off in session. This is very unethical behavior on your T. I had to take an ethics class and this is a no no. I would bring it up with her!

[Victoria'smom]

Both my t and I lay our phone on the desk. I expect her to text once each session because her boys text when they get home from school. I'm okay with that, I use to do that to my dad when I got home. I'll tell her if I'm expecting a call and she tells me. It's the hiding it that would bother me. I'm soupose to trust her with my life and she can't say that she needs to take the text? I would have said something then but I d have to address it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[nottrustin]

One thing I hate about cell phones is that people are always available. There is nothing worse than talking to somebody and having them answer their cell phones. The same goes with texting. T has answered her phone once in a session but I knew ahead of time that there was something going on. If a call came in she would need to answer it for a moment and tell them she was in a meeting but would call after. She was on the phone for about 30 seconds and did just that.

If my phone rings and it is hubby or one of my kids to answer as it could be an emergency. I feel uncomfortable doing so but do answer it quickly and tell them I would call as soon as I got out of my session.

[CameraObscura]

Oh, grrrrr.

That was unprofessional. There are times when a therapist might need to take a call or answer a text in an emergency, but they should always explain that to you, reaffirm that your time is yours and valuable, and if it takes longer than a minute or two, extend time to you to compensate if at all possible.

I'd be hopping mad at the failed sneakiness, and my trust in the t's engagement would be shaken.

I'd definitely bring it up, clear the air, and give her a chance to repair the damage.

[sweepy62]

Im sorry this happened to you, you should speak to her if it made you uncomfortable. I have been seeing my pdoc for 2 years, we disagree on something s but we have a great connection. I have always told her, and we feel very comfortable and open around each other, she keeps her phone on vibrate, but I toldd her if its ever a family or school call to pick it up, I dont mind.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by Ambra

The thing that scares me the most about is to offend her for this only mistake as she never gave me a reason to complain before and to look needy and childish.. it just feels wrong somehow (by the way we ran over by 10 minutes - the text was still during my hour though) and the situation doesn't help because I rely on her a lot, so now I'm clinging to her and I'm even more sensitive about these things.

You are right, that's also what we are working on.. I find it so strange indeed that she didn't bother to explain, and on the other hand she might have thought that it was better to let me talk for this reason as the text - or whatever it was - took a few seconds.

Thank you Perna, I really hope it is like that. I didn't know how to say it in english but at our 1st session the phone was silent, it just showed an incoming call and I saw it because she keeps it on the table. The same way I always see incoming texts appearing (I don't mean I read them) and she never looks at them, actually when I'm particularly tired T notices I focus on her phone screen and she puts the phone away. But I defintely want to forgive and forget after asking her, this is not worth a new t or a rupture ar all. I was thinking, maybe I got so upset because I feel I'm leaving everything and can't stand the idea that T doesn't want to hear me now that I need her. I also will need her to be there next week because I'm going to talk about uncomfortable things and I wonder if I'll manage.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You know what strikes me about what you say here, is that you are seeing this as an either/or situation, whereby if you pursue how her sneaky texting made you feel and what it means to you, that might end up with your having to leave and find another T. But the point (one would hope anyway) is that you are able to say to her how it made you feel AND still have a close and connected relationship with her.

Your feeling upset or angry or hurt by her texting doesn't mean that either she will retaliate or that you have to be prepared to walk out. Though I understand very well how it feels that way, especially if it's one negative thing in a relationship that has been generally very positive, where you think that focusing on that one negative thing will turn the whole relationship negative. I would hope not!

Good luck to you