Hugs

I have no idea?

Speaking of hugs I got and gave a bunch of them today, and it was wonderful, and will carry me through a busy week of mandatory overtime at work! I was hanging out with my friends at a meetup group I belong to earlier today and everyone was just in a hugging mood I guess! The hugs I got today - they felt like individual, unspoken statements of acceptance. I was thinking about that on the way home, how natural it felt for me to participate in that veritable hug-fest, when 2.5 years ago (before all the work I've done in therapy) - no way. I'd have been way too self-conscious and well frankly would never have even risked going to meet these folks at all in the first place, before therapy!

One time I was on vacation I forget where I was but there was a college-age gal standing in the town square (it was a little town as I recall) she was wearing a sign "free hugs". This was before I started this go-around of therapy, but I was just so taken by this gesture of pure human kindness that I put aside all my self-doubt and went and got a hug from her. It was heart-warmingly beautiful!!!

I'm not a huggy person at all, I do hug my kids though.

I didn't read all the comments, but to answer your question, I hate being asked for hugs. I would much rather be the one offering, because it's too close for me with some people. I don't mind random hugs from those I am close to, but from everyone else, it's just ugh.

I usually only ask my kiddo for a hug, and he turns me down most times, because he thinks its funny for me to playfully beg him, even though when he wants a hug or touch he is all over me. At six foot and 180 lbs he still will sit in my lap.

When I was in therapy, I never had to ask. my therapist either opened her arms to me or I went to hug her when I needed comfort. Through one difficult issue I was trying to resolve I instructed her to hug me/hold me as soon as I came in, and she would open her arms to me. Once during that period I was so agitated I refused. Many other times early on in therapy I refused, because I was taking my cue from PC.

I now love getting hugs, and receiving them. I have been trying to teach my family of origin to hug properly, and not hug like they are playing the cooties game.

On a sad note, I had to acknowledge a year ago that my mother does not like hugs/touch at least from me. At the time I thought all mothers could hug, but my therapist said that not all mothers can, so with my therapist I mourned what that meant to me. And today, I am a okay with that, because it is not about me. But boy do I love those hugs from my teenager.

Do you think Male therapist are less likely to offer a hug to female therapist then say Female therapist to female clients? This might be why female clients do not get hugged when they have a male therapist. No real evidence here.............just thinking out loud.

What was it about therapy that allowed you to hug, what/how did you learn it?
This is what i'm wondering about, can i somehow learn about hugging/intimacy in therapy.

I think its like ice skating or swimming or cooking - you cant really learn it from a book. You have to do it. Why are you connecting hugging and intimacy? To me, intimacy is the scary, exposive talking that happens during session, that lets someone get mentally close to you, makes you vulnerable. Yeah then i guess hugging can be a physical manifestation of that. For some reason, im picturing two cartoon Vikings hugging, shields to the side.

For me, emotional intimacy includes hugging too. I'm not good at being close to many people. It depends really. People who are very comfortable in themselves and with emotional intimacy, i'm more comfortable being the same back. But i want to be confident and secure in myself and be able to both give and receive and experience all the intimacy has to offer.

I think, for me it was the long process in therapy of learning to have confidence in my Self... I'm still learning that but have come a long way... and feeling confident in who I am as a person, learning to feel my own worth, has allowed me to open up to other people in this way. I hope I explained that right.

It felt like a gift when my therapist first asked me if I wanted a hug. One time when I was feeling very down emotionally he sat next to me and asked if I needed a hug, I wrapped my arms around him and it felt like time stopped, I don't think anyone has ever comforted me like that in my life before. When I left it triggered a lot of bad memories, like a memory of me as a kid curled up in a corner with my arms wrapped around myself rocking back and forth trying to calm myself down after a domestic incident. Then I took it to a sexual place. Now I'm back on solid ground, and hoping I'm still hug-able. I used to feel like I gave off a 'don't touch me' vibe, and that I was weird and not really human like everyone else, so I didn't need hugs like people seem to. Now I realize I just grew up not trusting anyone and feeling unlovable. My therapist before this would watch me cry for 50 minutes and then not even offer me a handshake. It felt very clinical.

I was having a bad morning and I was worried that it would cause me to be very upset at Therapy knowing that my Therapist won't give me a hug but it seems to have been getting better.

The main interest i have is not so much getting a hug from my therapist, but whether i can learn how to be ok with hugs thru therapy. How do i learn to feel ok with emotional intimacy, can my T teach me that? And also what do others feel when they are hugged or being hugged?

I think some therapists/therapies can help with that if you want that as a goal. Have you talked about how hugging makes you feel already with the therapist? I also think one can get good feelings/comfort etc from things that are not hugs but that can provide the same sort of benefit - so that one specific physical thing of hugging may me too narrow (or perhaps I misunderstand what you are saying)

Hugging makes me feel trapped, suffocated, and restrained.

I have discussed it a little bit with my therapist. Just in that i told her i don't really get comfort when i'm upset from hugs. But i've never really spoke in any detail about it.

When someone hugs me i feel like two bodies are pressed against one another, that's it. It don't feel warm and fuzzy comfort, i don't feel safety, i don't feel unsafe either. I'm just unable to get that sense of love or reassurance that someone is trying to convey in a hug. But i really feel i'm missing that in my life, and want to feel something. Nothing comforts me when i'm very upset, not a blanket, not a hug, not a cup of hot chocolate... nothing. I'm inconsolable.

I understand this - I am like it too. I usually just wait it out and make others stay away from me because I find the presence of others to add to the awfulness of it.

I hope the therapist can help you with it.

Thanks. I might at some point have to discuss this with her. I'll just add it to the pile!

Sometimes I think I might like comfort, but then when others try to be comforting, I find it so awful to endure the attempts, I just have to get away from them. I can't even figure out how to tell them to do it better.

I have the same reaction most of the time, I feel nothing, I analyze whatever is happening as if I was a third person observer. I think a few factors cause this, first that I am introverted and not naturally gifted at dealing with people so when I'm with someone I feel like I'm in my head analyzing the interaction with that person in real time so I don't mess up and do the wrong thing. The second, and maybe these two run together a bit, is that I'm very self conscious. And the third, and probably biggest factor, is that I'm detached from my emotions much of the time.

In order to care about a hug I think you have to care about the person whose hugging you to some degree. Based on my experience if you are fully present with your emotions to the extent you aren't in your head analyzing and you hug someone you like you will feel something. I think a therapist can help you change with time and a lot of effort. I spontaneously hugged someone in celebration the other week, that was very out of character for me, I think it was therapy related.

Maybe you're right, maybe i'm too detached from my emotions or other-thinking it or something. It really shouldn't be this complicated should it lol?

This was my experience until I started DBT, and having some structure and guidance in a workbook format + my T's encouragement made a rapid, significant shift. It was like I just hadn't been properly taught how to really cope when the emotional tidal waves hit, and the DBT gave me tools to build a shelter- a bit rickety and not completely waterproof, but way better. Wonder if you've tried anything like that?

I've been working on it a lot in therapy, well, off and on, you know, recurring theme. My current project, I'm so excited about, is sewing a quilt (first ever) with a square to represent each of the comforting/empowering women in my life, so I have something handmade, spiritual, and tangible full of that caring emotional energy to wrap up in to soothe and comfort myself a little when I need it.

When someone asks me for a hug, its an honor and a gift to me . Its a precious thing.

When I am manic, I find a hug can be almost restraining, however it usually stops me physically which can allow my brain to catch up and realise 'yes, you need this'.

Once when I was deeply distressed with my t, I was sitting on the floor crying to the point of howling(!) and she sat down next to me and rocked me on her knee and it was amazing how much it helped to be hugged and held (even though I felt so embarrassed reflecting on it after I had accepted my distress months later.)

I absolutely hate being asked for a hug. 9 times out of 10, I absolutely do NOt want to give one and I feel like it puts me in an impossible situation. Either I suck it up and allow this awful thing to happen to me, or I say no and hurt their feelings and make things extremely awkward.

There are a few people in my life I do like hugging and T is one of them. However, those are the people I have been hugging for years and they know they don't have to ask.

If someone thinks they have to ask me, that's probably an indicator that the answer is no.

and this is exactly why i'd never ask for a hug. I'd hate for someone to feel the way you do.