Hugs

I wouldn't consider any one poster's experience to be representative of the majority. Also, if we're talking about your T, she's already told you exactly how she feels being asked for a hug, like it's a gift.

(I am happy to give hugs too, especially to help someone feel better!)

I know but the risk of making someone feel that way petrifies me. I'd feel like an abuser or something. Imagine if that person secretly finds you disgusting and doesn't want to hug you but doesn't want the confrontation or awkwardness of saying no! *shudder*

First, that's quite unlikely.
Second, you can't be an abuser if you ask any adult in sound mind for a hug. That's simply got nothing to do with abuse, you have a lot of shame around this issue! Maybe your T can keep working with you to help you shake it. I'm really feeling sad that you see it so bleakly. Maybe you could print out this thread for her.

I do have a lot of shame around it, i have no idea why.

I also used to fear that my T would be really bothered by giving me affection. I have no idea why I thought that. I do know that I am pretty much over it now. I guess it helped to hear her stuff like saying that I was good to hug and she was getting something out of it too.

I think I read it on here that instead of asking T if you can have a hug ask if you can hug them. That way it's less of a personal rejection if they say no.

It's what I did, I think I said are people allowed to hug you? and she said you want a hug? and just gave me a hug. If she would have said no it wouldn't have been a big deal. But If I had said can I have a hug and she said no it would have felt like a rejection.

Thank you for this - it looks interesting so I ordered a copy.

Thanks. I would feel the same rejection either way. Also, this thread was more about learning about intimacy, about whether a therapist can teach that, no about whether she's hug me. I'm not even sure I want a hug from her specifically anyway.

I've learned about intimacy in therapy, but the key was practice, so we'd talk, and then I'd "do." I enjoyed hugs in therapy a great deal, still enjoy the virtual ones now though it's a little different, and then I also apply what we talk about with my husband and others. So, yes, I do think we can learn about intimacy in partnership with our therapists.

Leah, maybe you should just tell me what you were taught, then I don't need to bring it up in therapy??? #awesomeidea

My therapist does rock, this is true. We do a lot of practical, day-to-day work, relationship oriented. I'll give you one example, sort of about intimacy. I was almost in a car accident few weeks back, a block from home. I got home, shaken, stood in the doorway, looked at my husband and daughter on the couch, told them I almost got hit.

"Well, did you have your lights on" my husband thoughtlessly said.

I was irritated immediately. I told him (yes, I went there, once my daughter was out of earshot) that it was like asking a woman if her skirt was too short.

Later, I told my therapist what happened, what he said, why I felt invalidated. After I vented, she said to me,

"What if you had just walked over to them, sat down on the couch, and told them you were feeling scared" because of what happened.

A little light went on in my head.

So yeah... she's kind of been giving me these very practical lessons in vulnerability, plus she also gives endless (virtual) hugs on request for all kinds of situations.

In my relationship with her and others, I've had a chance to try out being more intimate, more honest, more needy...and actually.... it's worked out amazingly well. That's probably why I keep posting to you, haha, because I want you to share the love! It does take some practice, but isn't so bad after a while.

I will be an all loving hippy by summer!

Does anyone know of a way you can tell if someone thought that the hug you gave was awkward or not.

I can only speak for myself, but when I feel uncomfortable about hugging someone I usually give the "one armed" hug and keep it as short as possible.

Thanks for that, I know that someone did that to me fairly recently, maybe I should do that for someone that I don't really want to hug.

Is that the hip to hip hug? My t recently called that the Christian hug. Like you touch ileotibial bands, like youre the Rockettes.

Thats a good question. Thats about trusting your perceptions. If your mother didnt give you good feedback interpreting your feelings for you when you were a babe in arms, as mine did not, i think it takes a long time to get this right.

I do the short one armed hug thing too. In my case though, I can really like the person and think they're amazing and still not want to hug them, or get that close to them. So it's totally my stuff, not the other person doing anything to make me uncomfortable.

The "Christian Side Hug" is basically when you each person puts their arms around one another.

I guess it depends on the person, I like to get full hugs anytime I really need them.