[Freewilled]

I'm just wondering if anybody else struggles with connecting your feelings together with your words in therapy what I mean is when you share something that happened maybe during your week that was upsetting in some way and it falls flat....like there's no feeling attached. Maybe the feelings are in the room but you can't seem to express them...idk.

My T told me he could tell I was upset not only by my voice, but because he can feel it. I don't know what to say to that....I am so fragmented - everything is jumbled up and compartmentalized. I don't even know who I am sometimes in T and that's really the problem, right? Not the content of my words but the way I'm not connected to my experience.

How do you push past or through this thing? Has anyone been through this type of experience and been able to go deeper? I'm feeling confused and kind of empty-like or numb about this....a bit sad too because I'm afraid T is not able to help me if I can't get past this stuff soon...

[Leah123]

I deal with this, though it was much worse when I was younger. I dissociated a lot and often felt trapped in my head in therapy, unable to express much, and unable to match my words to my affect. That was because I was heavily defended, maybe you are too. It was even worse when I had a not-good-enough therapist who interpreted my fear-based defenses negatively and couldn't help me with them. Sounds like hopefully your current T is good enough, so if you do trust him and want to connect more in session, I can tell you a few things that have worked well for me.

1. I talk about very focused, manageable topics first, so I don't get overhwelmed by a topic which makes it too easy to distance myself emotionally. I call them bite-sized.

2. I play music that helps bridge my internal, sometimes subconscious mood with my external expression, music that helps tell part of my story so I don't have to do the work of talking and feeling at the same time, or music that evokes an emotion so I can sit with that feeling.

3. I use anti-anxiety exercises in session to calm down enough to get back in touch with my underlying feelings. They help me feel more grounded which can help reconnect me with my emotions.

4. I am GENTLE. I don't push away my defenses or force myself to cry or talk or anything. I tried so hard to push through my resistance when I was younger, and I found by dishonoring my defenses that way, by trying to break them instead of respect them and help myself feel safer instead of forcing myself to discredit my feelings of being unsafe, that I made a great deal more progress.

[stopdog]

I would probably not believe her, and if I did believe her, it would completely weird me out if the therapist said she could feel what I felt.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I completely understand what you are saying. I could have said those same words. Actually I was thinking of that before my session today. I was wondering what I could do to fix this problem as well. I could be talking about something very traumatic from a long time ago, that still emotionally resonates with me in the form of shame, guilt, sadness, fear, and anger; yet tell the story as if I'm talking about my trip to the grocery store. Sometimes there are situations that bother me all week that make me cry, frustrated, angry, etc. and once I am in the session all of those emotions shut off. It makes me wonder if T thinks I'm lying, or making matters bigger than they really were. It's also frustrating not being able to show her the extent of my emotions around the topic because it makes it difficult to fully heal from the experiences.

I'm sorry you deal with this too. I think it is fairly common in therapy though.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would probably not believe her, and if I did believe her, it would completely weird me out if the therapist said she could feel what I felt.

It did kind of weird me out /: not because i don't believe him, but because i didnt know what to say back and because I sort of felt badly that he might have to experience my crap. I would rather not have any impact like that on him but oh well I guess....nothing I can do about that one. I wish I had responded by asking what exactly he was feeling then, but I didn't....

[HazelGirl]

I totally get this, and my T has said something similar to me. It just takes time. My T didn't try to get me out of dissociation, and she allowed me to reveal my emotions as I was ready. In fact, she said that she really respects defense mechanisms and would never try to force her way past them, and I sort of followed her lead on that. It wasn't something I had control over. It was just at some point I was able to answer her question "How are you feeling about this?" with an emotion or experience rather than "I don't know".

Oh, and when they do start to thaw, it's hell for several months until you get the hang of it. Just letting you know now. But you do come out on the other side and it's not so bad after a while.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I totally get this, and my T has said something similar to me. It just takes time. My T didn't try to get me out of dissociation, and she allowed me to reveal my emotions as I was ready. In fact, she said that she really respects defense mechanisms and would never try to force her way past them, and I sort of followed her lead on that. It wasn't something I had control over. It was just at some point I was able to answer her question "How are you feeling about this?" with an emotion or experience rather than "I don't know".

Oh, and when they do start to thaw, it's hell for several months until you get the hang of it. Just letting you know now. But you do come out on the other side and it's not so bad after a while.

Thank you - that gives me some hope...I will say I started to get in touch with my feelings though and it was really hard but then they just shut.off.altogether. Which is highly irritating. I was doing better in my relationship with my husband too. It was awesome....I noticed that I felt closer to my T and then that spread to other areas of my life. Then all of a sudden nothing. I completely disconnected. It's a big setback IMO. The only thing that makes any kind of sense whatsoever is that he changed offices which is so ****ing minor but that's when my feelings went away. Ugh. Am I really that sensitive?? It makes me feel mad at myself that I can't handle something so minor. I guess I'll just try to give it some time because the more I fight it, the worse it seems to be.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Thank you - that gives me some hope...I will say I started to get in touch with my feelings though and it was really hard but then they just shut.off.altogether. Which is highly irritating. I was doing better in my relationship with my husband too. It was awesome....I noticed that I felt closer to my T and then that spread to other areas of my life. Then all of a sudden nothing. I completely disconnected. It's a big setback IMO. The only thing that makes any kind of sense whatsoever is that he changed offices which is so ****ing minor but that's when my feelings went away. Ugh. Am I really that sensitive?? It makes me feel mad at myself that I can't handle something so minor. I guess I'll just try to give it some time because the more I fight it, the worse it seems to be.

Not a setback. It ebbs and flows. It's normal. Your brain does that to protect you. And small changes can cause things like that, for sure. Give yourself time.