Too broken (wall of text)

I just want to let you know reading your post was so heart-wrenching and made me shed some tears. It makes me feel so terrible to know this is how you see yourself. Who you are describing is not what I have gathered from reading all your posts here on PC. I always have intuitive feelings about people and I believe you are a truly beautiful person.

I wish I could take away the loneliness. I would never wish that on anyone...It's a terrible feeling.

P.S. I saw this and it made me think of you.

Why would they want to know? They are all nervous about their own conference papers, and in any case, the four other people from my workplace are also two fairly recent couples, so they definitely have better things to think about.

If I tell people how I feel I become responsible for them potentially feeling bad on my account. It leads to massive guilt. And I have a bad track record of opening up to people who back off really quickly.

Two thoughts -

That the point of therapy is to integrate the emotional and intellectual, not to make one conform to the other. Because they are both inadequate without the other.

Which might inform the 2nd thought, that you are not responsible for how other people feel. If you think uou can control how other people feel by the information you feed them, i think you are mistaken. Other people are quite contrary!

I guess I don't see it that way.

I, for example, feel bad for you when I hear what a hard time you're having. I'm sorry about the death in your family. I care that you're having a hard time. But your hard time isn't dragging me down and I doubt that it would drag anyone else down.

You can reserve guilt, especially massive guilt, for when you have actually hurt someone. You don't have to feel guilty for eliciting empathy. Most people are resilient enough that they can hear about your sadness, feel sad for you and still cope just fine. It's a lot of pressure to act happy when you're feeling sad and I think that pressure can actually make you feel more isolated.

I'm not suggesting that you launch into a huge monologue about your pain five minutes before your colleague is due to present their paper. I'm suggesting that when your colleague says "what's up? you seem quieter than usual" or something, you simply say "yeah, I'm feeling sad, there's been a death in my family."

Our lives are made up of all the tiny moments and interactions with the people around us. If all those interactions consisted exclusively of insincere "I'm fine, thank yous" it would amount to a lot of empty moments and meaninglessnessns. I do not have better things to think about than the welfare of the people in my life.

Mast. So very sorry to hear your sad news, especially while you're away with work. I am so sorry. Take good care of yourself. Wishing you well.

Apologies for resurrecting this thread again. I have been debating with myself whether I should cancel my T session tomorrow. I just keep ruminating on all the things I want but can never have, and I read in other threads how people say "you should strive for this" (a good family life, caring from friends, a support system, other things I can't mention here) and it just underlines how broken I am when the things that I am supposed to strive for are things I have excluded myself from. I don't want them because I cannot have them because I dont know what I am supposed to want. And I'm sure I'm choosing this, somehow. Am I delusional, and if so, in which direction? Because I think that these are things that I want, or because I think that I can't have them? I can't even imagine what it would be like... and yet my closest friend tells me that my main problem is that I imagine myself to be different from everybody else.

I wonder if I should put on positive face tomorrow and try to convince T that I should terminate. I know it would be a destructive thing to do, but I feel self-destructive.

maybe you could go to your appt and bring him this post and talk it out...

but then I might end up talking about what I want from him!

1. I for one have been patiently waiting for you to return to this thread

2. Being different for me is about being "needy". I cant be needy like other people; i cant have a family like other people; i cant have friends like other people - these were messages i heard all my life. How much do you know about being the scapegoat for the family? Its a role talked about in the codependent literature. I think your t didnt want to just gratify your needs without a framework - the teach a man to fish vs give a man a fish. Like my asking my t for a glass of water is not about gratifying my thirst - its about practicing asking, over and over again. Going thru the nuances. Him just gratifying a need would be like GRATIFYING A NEED - like a sexual need - which is why that would be so uncool. I just figured that out. Gotta go, session time.

now that would be a good place to start.... but maybe its not about whether you deserve it or not or whether you will get it or not... but maybe its about why you want it? if its really him you want it from or if its an unmet need from past? etc etc etc...

about the comment your friend made... I have issues with "attachment" (basically it scares the he l l out of me) but it also impacts how I "feel" in relationships... I can't allow myself at time to feel the closeness of relationships I do have... even the close ones... I wonder if my perception is the same as the other person's in the relationship.... I don't know.... I don't think you are crazy for wanting those types of relationships and I don't think you are crazy for thinking you can't have them...

I think maybe it starts with when did you start to think and why that you can't have them.... and is there a way to see how that impacted you enough to move past it... or maybe what would happen if you played the "as if" game... what if you acted "as if" you deserved those types of relationships and "as if" you could handle them... would you experience the relationships you do have differently? challenge some of your thinking?

I'm just throwing out ideas....don't want you to think I've figured it all out... or any of it out for myself yet ...

Mastadon, I'm thinking that you're overwhelmed and what if you just took it one step at a time. Someone gave you excellent advice to TELL your colleague at the conference what you were really feeling and dealing with, in brief, when they asked how you were.

I'd like you to consider that it's those small things that lead to what you're looking for. It doesn't have to be impossible.

Just make one choice.

Mastodon,

I want to recommend a book to you that my therapist recommended to me and was both life changing for for the both of us, more so for my therapist than myself. It's by Alice Koller, An a Unknown Woman. It is a professor's search for self understanding. I usually only read fiction, because I believed my life had no parallels or intersections to other people's lives. For now, I will leave it at that.

As far as therapy, I would go.

I'm happy you returned to the thread. Sometimes it's important to accept that we want--but can never have--something. I'll never be an Olympic athlete, I'll never have longer legs, I'll never be a gazillionaire etc.

But caring from friends? Sounds like you already have one caring friend. People on PC care about you, it's likely very possible to develop a few caring friendships.

It sounds like you might be really depressed and having trouble thinking clearly. Like you're in a space where everything seems bleak, the most pessimistic possible assessment of any situation seems like the only reasonable one and you "know" nothing will ever get better. Could that be the case? If so, can you defer making any big important decisions for awhile (like quitting therapy) and get additional help until you're back on track?

I too want to thank you for returning this thread. I relate painfully to this and have found the comments from everyone extremely thought provoking. I too feel like this (I have always felt like this even as a young child) and it is very reassuring and amazing to read about your feelings, expressed so well. Thank you, Mast. I'm sorry I don't have advice or suggestions like everyone else but I want you to know that I relate.
One thing I would say however is please carry on with your current T.

Thanks, all. You guys rock. Your words and thanks and hugs mean so much to me.
I will go to T tomorrow, and I'll make a real effort to bring up these things.

I just feel like crying. It's a very good thing my H is not very perceptive, because the mask is definitely slipping.

It's bedtime in any case. Pocket riders to T tomorrow morning would be welcome.

You've got me in your pocket. I've never been to Sweden, but do they have good iced tea there? I get quite thirsty these days. You Rock Mast!

oh dear god, what a disastrous session.
I feel completely empty. Flat. I'm such a failure. Ten bucks says T will start talking about prescribing different meds, next time I see him. (I'm not saying that's unreasonable.)

I have never before felt so sure that T was watching the clock and willing it to move faster so he'd get rid of me. Not because he hates me, which I don't think he does, but because it can't be much fun to have to deal with me when I am like I was today. I even said that when I had one or two minutes left: "I'm sure you're waiting for my time to be up" - quite reasonably, T did not respond, he doesn't play into that kind of game. I did notice that when we shook hands before I left, he clasped my hand more firmly than usual, as if he wanted to communicate his concern.

I am so despicable. I hate waking up every morning and remembering that I'm still me.

Anyway, very full working day today. Better get to it. Apologies for spreading my negativity here, too.

This makes me incredibly sad to read. I completely understand this feeling, but it makes me feel bad that you feel this frequently. You're not despicable. You are a very caring, compassionate, and honest person.

(((((((Mast)))))))

Take good care of yourself. I am thinking of you and send gentle hugs.
I too am feeling broken. It's a very unpleasant feeling. I am so sorry you are in pain. My session yesterday (last for a couple of weeks) was a disaster too. I left feeling I had just wasted an hour and am still so angry with myself - and her. he just felt so distant and just didn't connect with me.

I too have a full working day but I don't think I can hold it together much longer. Work is a distraction but I have this constant ache in my core that things are so wrong.

(((((((Mast)))))))

Keep posting. xx

Thank you. I very much appreciate your thoughts, hugs, and kindness. I know it's not easy to respond to this kind of darkness dump. I'm so sorry to hear that you can relate to this feeling. It's not something I would wish on anybody, especially not you.

If I can't even get my T to understand, then what hope is there for me? I'm terrified that he will tell me that there is nothing more he can do for me. If I didn't have a lifeline in my visits to his office I'd really despair.

so.... thinking that I had very little to lose, I opened up to my closest friend and told him a couple of things I had never planned to tell anybody other than my T. It went really well. We are closer, I think, and he does not seem to think I am disgusting.

Maybe tomorrow all this will come back to bite me, but right now I feel as if I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Good for you, Mast!!

I am so pleased to read your latest post, Mast. Well done for being so brave. It really is a horribly painful place to be. But you will get through it. Please keep posting. You are in my thoughts. Sleep well.