Too broken (wall of text)

It makes me happy to know that you opened up to another person. I hope it helps deepen a friendship for you.

Also, your therapist's firm clasp seems like a very caring gesture even if it is hard to see right now. He sounds just like an old school therapist with the distant demeanor. Underneath that calm exterior maybe he wants to scoop you up and take you home. You never know what they are really feeling

And...What you see as a "darkness dump" to me is just opening up and expressing very well what a lot of us feel too. I'm not always in a place where I can put it into words. You do it very well.

My main T often has to remind me that I never know what the future will bring. He likes to tell me this when I am lamenting at 42, that I'm unlikely to marry and have kids. He practically yells "you don't know that!! Did you think your career would take the turns that it has for example??"

He does have a point. None of us knows what that small butterfly-effect thing will be that will set our lives on a different course. Doing something new or outside your comfort zone does tend to help things along.

There is a reason DBT stresses taking opposite action to how you feel. Something about it actually seems to work. I only say all this because your dark place sounds like mine. It can be hard to see what is right in front of you.

I hope you keep coming to PC and never ever worry about expressing yourself.