Amy's Daily Journey

I added you to the prayer list at my church.

Take good care of yourself, Amelia. Thinking of you.

Sending warm thoughts your way today, Amelia, for your peace, comfort and rest. Your posts on PC have been a blessing.

Sending peaceful energy your way Amelia.

many hugs

Lots of love to you, sweetie.

Don't concern yourself with the posts at all. Hope your day is serene & beautiful

I hope you were able to rest easy today.

Thinking of you, sweetie. Hope you had a good day yesterday. xx

"Day #11&12

Yes, I really do have to combine these two because I didn't write yesterday at all. And I am telling you, tat really is progress fro me to not feel too guilty about it. Old me would have probably felt anxious that I promised to write every day and then leaving a day out.
But new me feels it was good to take a day to myself. It has been a lot of excitement lately -good and bad- that sleeping and recuperating was exactly what I needed.

But sleeping all day made me feel so awake in the middle of of the night, so I watched 6 episodes of "The Andy Griffith Show" and I wished I was a citizen of Mayberry, haha.. That little world in there is just too seductive. Everything always works out fine in the end, the criminals in Sheriff Taylor's little jail cell are treated like people with feelings and their stories and backgrounds are respected, and they are given meals that Aunt Bee cooked with lots of love. I found myself thinking, if I lived there, I would have smashed a window or two just to spend a night in Andy's jail, haha
Even though I know why the series was made the way it was, even though I know the political background of that time, even though I know that Andy Griffith was not the same man off screen as he portrayed on screen - I still admire the show for letting me believe that all that humanity is possible and if people only managed to look beyond themselves sometimes, great things can happen.
It definitely is a world worth escaping to when my own world feels like it's too much.

That's a thing that some of you will know about me: I am a movie fanatic and apart from gory serial-killer horror there isn't much I haven't seen. I can get completely engulfed in a 9 hour Lord of the Rings marathon and I can appreciate a well made documentary. I love foreign movies as much as I love watching silly movies like the Rocky series. When I was younger I was in love with Bruce Lee
Later I loved Vincent D'Onofrio - he is just so special.
My favourite actor was Philip Seymour Hoffman and I cried when I heard the news of his passing. I will always cherish the memory of meeting him and talking to him.

Some people asked me to write more about me and what I like/dislike so I thought I make a few top 5 lists for you today.

My top five movies of all time?

5: The Godfather (only the first one though)
4: Flawless (the one with Philip Seymor Hoffman)
3: The Story of the Weeping Camel
2. One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
1. The Shawshank Redemption

My top five TV series?

5: Friends
4: Rules of Engagement
3: 7th Heaven
2: The 4400
1: Lost

My top five foods?

5: Milk Chocolate
4: Hazelnut Chocolate
3: Dark Chocolate
2: Mint Chocolate
1: White Chocolate

My top 5 songs:

5: Where the streets have no name (U2)
4: Across the Universe (Rufus Wainright)
3: Jesus blood never failed me yet (Gavin Bryars with Tom Waits)
2: In my Secret Life (Leonard Cohen)
1: Carrying a Torch (Van Morrison)

Five things hardly anyone knows about me:

5: I smoke and I like it
4: I wake up in the middle of the night with a craving for Belgian Seashells so I always have a box available. If I am about to run out, I get nervous
3: I drink Orange Soda only and I hate water
2: I am a really good cook and I hardly ever use recipes. If I do try out a recipe from the internet or from someone around me, I can remember the exact ingredients and amounts and never need to look at the recipe again.
1. Most of the songs I have ever written come to me in dreams. Like in my dreams I sing a song and when I wake up I have the melody, and sometimes even most of the lyrics.

So now you learned a little more about me again Haha, and without thinking too much I wrote the email for today.

Have a good day.
Lots of love,
Amelia"

So good to hear from you, Amelia. Love that your top five foods are all chocolate!! I love U2 & that song is my fav of theirs too. I love Van Morrison too - Enlightenment is one of my fav's. Pleased to hear you rested yesterday and don't feel guilt (you don't need to one little bit). The Shawshank Redemption is fab. So good to learn a little more about you. Take good care of yourself dear friend. Happy Monday.

so glad to see you are back we missed and were worried about you ♥ and chocolate makes everything good again

Chocolate can solve so many problems! I like your Top 5 lists. I would add my own, but they change day by day. I am a poet and I write songs, too. Do you play guitar? I've made tapes (that shows you how old I am) of my songs and given them to my T. She said she loved them.
Amelia, how many languages are you fluent in?
Thanks for #11 and #12. They made me smile.

I ADORE Belgian seashells! But I buy them very rarely because if I open a box, I finish it right away

It's nice to get to know you a bit better. You have some pretty awesome skills.

Yes, I play guitar (and piano and flute)
And I am fluent in English, German, French and Dutch but I also speak a little Swedish, Spanish and Hungarian. My brain is good with languages but awful at everything that has to do with numbers and formulas.

I am good with languages, too! I majored in Russian in college, but also studied Croatian and Italian then. Since 2010, I have been slowly teaching myself Swedish! I can also converse a little in Spanish, and understand more French and German than I can speak! My T speaks Spanish and Polish, as well as English. ;-)

Are Belgian Seashells anything like Purdy's Chocolate Hazelnut Hedgehogs? MMMM, creamy good!

Hey Amelia so glad your feeling better. Your really accomplished, I would love to know if your self taught or went to college. I speak only two languages........but, I can eat plenty on chocolate..........lol (sea salt is my fav......yummy)

Thank you Amelia for taking time out to keep us updated. I hungered for chocolate when I read your list, and decide to indulge just a little.

"Day #13

Sorry for the late, really late email today. I had a difficult day and didn't feel very well throughout the day.

So what am I going to write about today? By now you know I am a chocolate-aholic, I love movies, I love music, art and all beautiful things. Perhaps I should write about a few things that I dislike. That might be interesting. (Yet, I am thinking to myself here, who really is interested in what I like or don't like, it's not like I am looking for a husband here, haha.. )
But as it was a question by some people, I guess it could be fun..

-I don't like cottage cheese... or goat's cheese, sheep's cheese, blue cheese.. well, basically I only like Gouda and Mild Cheddar.
-I hate little bits and pieces in food. (Like the pulp in orange juice)
- I don't eat game but I do like pork and chicken and beef.
- I can't listen to Blues or Jazz music for too long, it annoys me after a while
- I am at war with socks - I can never find two of each so I walk barefoot most of the time and in the winter I wear tights.
- I don't understand the 'showing the world your underwear' fashion. When I see someone wearing their pants on their knees and their ugly shorts hanging out, I always want to go up to them and pull up their pants myself!
- It annoys the hell out of me when people keep turning the conversation towards them, no matter what it is about.
- I can't stand it when mothers yell at their children in public and then yell at the people looking at them that 'this is none of their business'.
- I hate when people keep commenting when watching a movie or worse, reveal the ending!
- I am very nice with people (well, most of the time) but I lose patience when someone keeps complaining about the same things for months or even years, without ever doing something about it. Once a friend of mine kept telling me about the broken radio in his car and how he can't enjoy driving. He had enough money to buy a new radio but he kept complaining about it for over six months. I lost patience and bought him a new radio.
- I have a deep aversion to people who treat children or teenagers badly, talk to them (or about them) badly and I especially don't want anything to do with someone who makes the statement: "I hate kids." I think Children are our most precious treasures on this earth.
- I can't deal with people who always make (bad) jokes in every situation. Yes, sometimes it's to mask their insecurity but I can't deal with it and usually distance myself from those people (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE humor and laughter and fun.. just not the bad, tasteless jokes that some people need to make)
- I don't like sarcasm very much, I just never understand it or I fail to understand the need for it...
- Oh,oh,oh - and I HATE SPIDERS!!!!

Hmm, now I sound like one of these people on the "grumpy old men" shows, hahaha..

Perhaps I should write something that is more insightful, more meaningful. Like, for example, how I love people who have huge hearts, who have the ability to look beyond themselves, who go out of their way to help others, who walk the extra mile to achieve something they really want. I have a huge heart for people who have courage to make their life better, with tiny or tremendous steps.

Ok, well I will think a bit harder about what to write tomorrow.. for today I will say good night!

Much love,
A"

"...I lost patience and bought him a new radio".
Loved your email, as always.

Thanks Amelia.

Thanks Amelia. Always a pleasure to read your posts. Xxx

you are loved ♥

I am so glad you are feeling somewhat better. I was worried about you.

"Day #14

Yeah, I made it for two weeks now. That for me is a really important mile stone, even if it seems so little in the whole vastness of time. Every day really is a blessing to me so this means a lot to me to have made it here.

I was thinking today I should talk a little more about my real struggles at the moment. It's fine to write humorous things, good things, encouraging things - but there is of course a real struggle going on here too and I want to let you all into this part of me, this part of my story, too. And this is everything else but easy.

As you saw a few times lately, I had difficult days. Right now there are good days and bad days. The good days are when I feel halfway comfortable in my skin. The bad days are really bad. I feel excessively tired, as if my body is telling me to conserve energy because I don't have too much of it left. I sleep a lot but wake up gasping for air because I feel panicked that I will suffocate. Sometimes I sleep with my emergency inhaler in my hand because it gives me some security to know where it is when I need it.
My pain is slowly getting managed better, the hospice nurses are good at monitoring it and adjusting the dosage. But when it gets bad, it really gets bad. And then, all I can think of is that I want it to end right there and then. And I regret that thought immediately when I feel in less pain.

People around me are trying to be really helpful - but most of the times (yes, most of the times) I feel they are really getting it wrong. It seems they know more about this situation than I do and they have a lot of advice, thoughts, worries. Most of these thoughts however are rather hurtful. They seem to worry more about what I will be wearing at the funeral than what they can do for me right now.
There even was a situation last week that really made me think people are crazy. Believe it or not, there was almost a fight about what happens to my ashes!
I mean, seriously? That's what people are concerned about?? It made me so mad, it stressed me out and it made it very difficult to have compassion. I always try to see the good in people and these people are not bad people at all. They really care, they really love me but WTF??
One even went so far as to call one of my doctors and asked for information on the prognosis in order to "be able to plan better". Gosh, that went too far. Thankfully the doctor reacted ethically and told that person to fu%# off. (I know you're reading this now, dear Doctor, so THANK YOU for that!)

I wish there would be more talk about the right now. More talk about life than death. More peace, more freedom. I wish there was more normality (is that the right word), even some dull conversations about something stupid. I would even tolerate gossip right now, haha.. Everything but a reminder of my fate.

Well, we'll see what will happen. Until then, I am filling my days with things I like and which make me happy or what makes me smile.

Have a nice day everyone..
A"