Amy's Daily Journey

"Day #9

Today I feel a little inhibited to write. Yesterday's email left me feeling quite raw and vulnerable but then it always makes me feel like that when I talk about my past.
There are things I feel I want to share, want to get out of my head, out of my stomach. But when I do, it reminds me in painful ways that I missed out on a lot of stuff as a child. That my childhood made sure I would never have a family of my own, that after giving birth to a beautiful girl when I just became a teenager - my tormentors made sure I would never have children of my own. That really is one of the most difficult things in my life. I would have loved to have a whole bunch of kids and love them and show them this world how it is supposed to be.

But then I could be so very sad about so many things that I was robbed off if I chose to be. So the better choice always was, and still is, to look at my blessings at everything that made me smile, everything and everyone that made me happy and take in as much positive energy as I can.

But that doesn't mean I am not sad or afraid. The honest truth is, I am terrified. I am so scared of what is going to happen. I am scared of being in pain, I am scared I will suffocate, I am scared I will not have enough time to say everything I want to say.

This morning I have a very difficult meeting where I will discuss my wishes for what should happen after I.. you know. People here seem to have their own ideas and sometimes their ideas and they way they deal with this situation, hurts me a lot. It's like a business deal that needs to be planned out in detail. I know, were they in my shoes, they would act differently. My therapist will be here to advocate for me and my beautiful Yearning will be at this meeting as well. That helps me to know.

It's funny, when I talk about my therapist to people, sometimes they believe I am making stuff up and that no therapist could possibly be this caring and loving and helpful as she is. Yearning and I had a few really funny moments when my phone tells me I have (another) message from my therapist. She keeps saying: "Of course, your therapist "
I don't know why I was lucky enough to find this amazing therapist but I am sure glad I was.. Without her I truly would be lost in all that my life is at the moment.

I promise, tomorrow I will write something happy again, but for today this is what was on my heart.

With love,
Amelia"

Thank you so much for saying what was on your heart.

i am so glad you have your t. sounds like you need lots of love and care my t is the same way and i appreciate her so much.

I agree. You don't have to write anything happy to please us. Your honesty and courage are awesome. In some way I feel as close to you as I do to my T. You're showing us what life is really about: caring unselfishly for others. Please continue to share whatever is on your heart.
Love
rainbow

Hi everyone,
the difficult meeting is over! It really was hard for me, it was like taking care of business in a a very difficult situation.
Yearning was able to stay during the session and met my Hero-T and got to see her protective side a little bit.
She thinks I have an awesome T! And I agree

I am sad to have to say Goodbye to Yearning but I really had a wonderful time with her and I cherish that so very much!

Much love from Amelia and Yearning!

so glad you got to have a wonderful visit and we know that you arent making things up about your t...you know what happened with ours we love you ♥

No, I am really not making things up about my therapist, she is quite real and quite remarkable. Without her advocating for me today it would have been a much worse conversation. Yearning told me afterwards: "The way your T looked at you.. she really cares about you so much." I thought that was such a sweet thing to say, because I don't think I notice these things much.
Having a third person witness how someone responds to me or behaves around me, I realize how much I can learn from that.

Amelia,
Write what YOU want or need to want; you are not here to entertain us! I find something helpful in everything you write.

I for one am glad you write about the good times and the difficult times. Your journey is an emotional roller coaster. Your posts are so real and thought provoking regardless of the tone of the post. That is why I read your posts. I don't want you to fake how you are feeling.

Amelia what I like about your posts are that they are genuine, heartfelt & that they come from a v real place where all emotions exist. You write from the heart & that's what touches people.

"Day #10

10 days, 10 emails, 10 emotional days.
134 emails (and messages from the forum) back to me.
289 text messages.

When I started out, my email-list was 22 people. Now it is 97, and perhaps many more if I counted the people who read my letters in the forum.

Before I started writing I knew I had some awesome people I met in my life. Now I know that there were many more than I had expected and many new people who walk with me.
I want to say thank you for this from a very humble heart.

My friend left yesterday, but I am going to tell you an incredible thing: The moment she left, within hours she texts me: "I am coming back on the 9th of May!" How awesome is that?!

Today I want to reflect on a few things you wrote, answer a couple of questions you asked:

1. Yes, I wrote down my whole story - and no, I have no intention of publishing it. But, if someone does after I am gone, I am fine with it.
2. Yes, my prognosis is very short but NO, I don't want to tell you how long I am given because at the end of the day it's just a number and you know me, I am a stubborn girl so I might outlive that number And if not, well then I hope I will not know in advance when it's happening exactly.
3. My company now works with 1200 senior citizens each year.


I think it is absolutely amazing to see the dynamic that this emailing thing brought forth. I wake up every morning to these incredible conversations.
I want to share two of these stories with the people on the forum with permission of the people involved in the stories:

The third day I emailed, Jonathan passed on the emails to his boss, Marcus. Marcus is 53 years old and his wife Jenny is battling ovarian cancer. Right now she is in an extensive, aggressive chemo and radiation cycle and she is suffering a lot. She became part of the email list and told her story to the people on the list, and she especially wrote about her struggles with her will to fight and to live. Jenny had slipped into a very deep depression and has attempted suicide. Two days after she told her story, my friend Nadine, who is a psychotherapist, contacted her and it turns out they only live 12 miles away from each other. Two days ago she visited Jenny and they have formed a deep connection after talking for five hours straight. Nadine and Jenny are now going to meet up regularly and I am so very happy that Jenny has found such a loving support and Jenny can use her skills as a therapist without the somewhat limiting therapist-client relationship.

Another story that amazed me was that Hannah, a colleague of mine from my journalist times, shared how she is struggling with finances because she had lost her job due to the downsizing of the newspaper she worked at. She had lost her house last year and with three little girls and as a single mom she is struggling to provide food and clothing and school supplies for the girls. She goes to the soup kitchen five times a week because the money she receives from being on welfare is by far not enough.
Daniel, head of a re-insurance company in London, read about her struggles and contacted her privately. After meeting her and witnessing her living situation in a one bedroom apartment in Kent, where Hannah has to share a room with her three girls, he has pledged a six figure amount to the family so Hannah can now concentrate on looking for a new job and will be able to provide her children with healthy food and whatever they need and move into a bigger flat within the next month or so.
Hannah will also use her skills as a journalist to collect these stories and publish them in a book in the near future.

I am so amazed by these stories, that happened simply by people connecting with each other and showing compassion, even for strangers. And it makes me so very happy, you can't imagine how much this means to me!

As to me personally, I am not doing so well this morning. I am having a lot of difficulties breathing, and I feel as if I want to crawl out of my skin, I feel so uncomfortable. I am so frustrated that I don't have more energy!!!!

With a lot of love,
Amelia"

we wish we could come there and comfort you and be with you in person but as we cannot we will give you as much as we humanly possibly can from here. you are so amazing and incredible there just are no words for how many lives you have touched changed enhanced enriched....just by being you we love you ♥

Yes indeed, many more, considering that your first nine messages in this series have a total of 3606 views, so far.

Hope you feel better.

I hope someday we can read your whole story...so everybody will know how amazing and courageous you are. I am so blessed to be able to say I "know" you. even if only from this board. Rest and pamper yourself today you deserve it.

Thinking of you Amelia and sending hugs and all best wishes.
Look forward to reading day 11. Xxxx

Thanks Amelia. I do not have the right words to express how I feel.

amelia, your stories are just amazing. i think you have done so much already at such a young age. i love how you teach senior citizens and have helped to connect them. i got my mom a computer for her 80th birthday and while she is still rather intimidated by it, even after a class and me tutoring her, she loves it.

maybe your friend hannah could publish both for you.

i'm sorry you are not doing so well today. still praying for a miracle for you.

Hi Amelia, so sorry to hear your not feeling so well, your in my prayers. Sending lots of love your way x

Hi everyone

I am very tired today and don't have a lot of energy. I didn't write my daily email yet, so I am sorry that this will be a very short message today.
I have to concentrate on myself today and enjoy this beautiful day.
Have a nice Sunday everyone.

A

I'm glad it's nice there. Focus on yourself today - and see if you can spot that squirrel again!

just take care of you thats whats important we love you ♥

I'm praying for you especially today that you can rest in His loving arms today, and to be able to feel mental energy and peace!

Take care of your self and rest I am praying for you.

Don't worry about us. Please rest and take care of yourself. I'm praying for you and sending you my favorite hearts: