I spoke to my adoptive mother yesterday. When I put the phone down, I felt this feeling off not having been noticed. I could feel the difference between her and my T. It felt sad that my T has had to fill the space that existed between and my mother.

I remember as a child going out to play and when returning home again, mum had changed. Her mood had changed, her reaction to me had changed. It was always like that. I was always trying to "fix" her. Thinking that I must be bad, it must be my fault for having left her because before I left, either for sch or to play outside, she seemed ok, now on my returned she had become cold and mean.

I think whenever there is a break in therapy, I always fear that when I return T will have become cold and mean, and this causes anxiety. I want to see T again next week,but I also have fear around it.

But on seeing this I also see what exactly T is giving to me. That she takes time with me. That for the past 2 1/2 yrs she has been completely dedicated to her role toward me. I've never felt for a moment that she wasn't emotionally in the room with us.

I remember once looking up her roof (she works from home) and she asked what was up? I said I thoughts you had got that repaired? she smiled her gentle smile and said "does my not repairing that make you feel like I am might not take care of you properly?" To which I nodded yes.

Then I said "but maybe because you are taking care of me properly, and others, you don;t have the time for that?" she smiled.

I see how my mother had so many needs of her own that she didn't know how to just "be" with someone. She never taught me what a intimate relationship would be like. If she needed something then the person who could best provide that need for her would be the one she spent time with. If you had nothing for her, she had no use for you.

My T has a book on her bookshelve entitled "The empty fortress" I know what that title means to me now.

My head knows that T will still be as attentive and as professional as always next week, but still the feelings of my past experiences are strong. But workable now I "see" them.

[sorrel]

*nods head* I can relate so much to what you say here.

[January]

(((((((((( Mouse )))))))))))

Mouse said:
I see how my mother had so many needs of her own that she didn't know how to just "be" with someone. She never taught me what a intimate relationship would be like. If she needed something then the person who could best provide that need for her would be the one she spent time with. If you had nothing for her, she had no use for you.

I am so sorry you went through that. I feel you are really on the path to healing because you have discerned this great truth. It's so insightful.

Hugs,

Jan

very insightful post, mouse.........xoxoxo pat

[jacq10]

((((((((((((mouse)))))))))))))

I'm sorry that you went through this with your mother ... but it sounds to me like you are really lucky to have connected with a T in such a way ... you're right that she will never be able to completely fill that void you feel with your mother, but it is nice to know that she will be there for you.

[Perna]

I was always afraid my T had changed when she went away and then came back. My background was a bit different, my father had to go to sea for 8 months with the Navy a couple years after my mother died and when he came back I didn't recognize him and thought he was an impostor. I think it has to do with trying to hold a "model" of our mother/father/therapist in our head to be "sure" of it only people don't stay looking, feeling, or behaving the same over time. You and I don't remember our real mothers and I think that's distressing to us so we try to make the other people who "matter" stay the same but are aware that people don't stay the same, they go away or die or get angry (my stepmother) or cease caring/being interested in or focused on us (your foster mother) and shatter our worlds again and that shattering is so very hard!

I helped myself a little with the T afraid-she'd-changed problem by using that to start the discuss immediately when I saw her again. Recognizing the anger at her going away, feeling the "warmth" of her being there with me/back from vacation, finding from talking to her she hadn't changed -- having all that happen with her in the first half hour or so healed a lot of the worry/fear so we could get back to work on what we were working with before she left. It also helped the next time she went away; it was a real "shared" experience I could draw on and know I could recreate the "next" time so I wasn't so unhappy/scared, etc. when she went away next.