Asking for things

I have only two weeks left with my T before graduation, and there are a few things I would like to ask for, but feel really awkward about doing so. I'm afraid that I will forget her soothing voice, so I want to ask if she will leave me a voicemail before we terminate. I also want to ask her to write me a letter because it would mean so much to me to read her feelings about me. My T also said that I could see her as many times as I wanted during the last week, and I booked 3 appointments but secretly wanted to come all 5 days. I just felt awkward about appearing too needy.

This all got me thinking about how difficult it is in general to ask for what I want from my T. Does anyone else experience this difficulty? What are you afraid to ask for?

A lot of people make it difficult to ask for things...

Those are lovely things to ask for. Maybe she can even make an mp3 for you? My main t did this--he created a relaxation exercise for me.

A lot of my fear of asking for things, the other person might say "no" and I might get stuck with the argument in my head if I should/should not have asked in the first place; whether I understood the cues that I was asking for too much or what. We can want what we want but feelings need to match up with our good thinking before we act on them.

Are you moving on to another therapist after you graduate?

I think it's great that you're thinking about trying to ask your T for all of these things before you terminate!

Before me and my previous T terminated, I was debating whether or not to give her a card to say thank you and to wish her well in life, and to also give her a painting I'd done for her (A5). I thought about it pretty much 24/7 until we got to the final session. Just before we were about to finish, I said "I've got something for you, if you'd like it." She said she would love to have it. I gave her the card with the painting inside, and even though I hesitated getting it out of my bag, and almost changed my mind last minute, I am so so glad that I gave her them! Even though I was scared she'd refuse them, I still managed to pull through and just pluck up the courage to give them to her.

What I kept on thinking at the time, and still do now, is that it is ALWAYS better to ask for something and get a 'yes' or 'no' answer, rather than not asking for it, and wondering forever more what 'could have' happened, and 'what if'. However, I was too scared to ask for a hug, and I really regret not asking. I regretted it deeply as soon as I walked out of the building.

I do not want you to go through the same regret. My advice to you would be:

- Think about what I said: 'it is ALWAYS better to ask for something and get a 'yes' or 'no' answer, rather than not asking for it, and wondering forever more what 'could have' happened, and 'what if''
- Maybe write what you want down if you don't feel you can ask for it all out loud?
- If you want, try to ask him out loud before your last session with him, so that you won't run out of time in the last session if you can't say it out loud.
- Maybe write a draft of what you want to say, and either read it out loud or give it to him.
- About wanting to book him for the 5 days: maybe email him if you can? Or write a little message and slide it through his door if you can't ask him face-to-face?

I hope you have a great last few sessions with him, and I hope you can find another T (if you need/want one) in the future! Good luck sweetie! x

I was a little worried she would say no, yeah. I ended up asking her for one of the things: I asked if she would leave me a voicemail. I prefaced it with a lot of "so you might think this will sound weird, but there is something I want to ask for" and "if you don't want to, I will completely understand because it's kind of weird." It's easier for me if I give the person an out. She said she didn't think it was weird at all and she understands why I want it. But she said she didn't want to do it. It hurt a tiny bit, but I did understand. However, she said that even so, she would think about it and maybe she would. She said she just needs to think about why it is that she doesn't want to, and that she wasn't sure if she wanted her voice out there in the world. I think I would be uncomfortable if she decided to do it now. I would feel like it was a huge favor. I told her she didn't have to, and she said "I know, but it's important to you if you decided to ask for it, so I'm going to consider it." Even though I would just feel bad if she did, I still hope she will because that would be a really nice thing to have.

I don't think I will see another T, at least not right away. I honestly think it would be too painful, and I don't see how anyone could measure up to my current T. Plus, my main issue in life right now is that I'm losing my T.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, SilentVoices. It was really helpful and gave me the courage to ask my T for the voicemail. Even though she said "maybe" and expressed a lack of enthusiasm for it, I am still glad that I asked. At the very least, she knows that I wanted it and will understand even better how worried I am about this loss. And if she does end up leaving me a voicemail, it is something I will treasure for a long time. I kind of forgot to ask her about the rest. Maybe on Monday when I see her next I will ask for more sessions... we'll see how I'm feeling. I really really wish I hadn't forgotten to ask about the letter though. That's really important to me.

I'm glad that you found the courage to give your T the painting, and I'm sorry you neglected to ask for the hug. These things do haunt us, so you helped me see that I need to make sure I do everything I can to have a "no regrets" kind of ending.

Hmm, do you mean the person that's asking or the person that's being asked? It is a little difficult for me to ask my T for things because I feel like I'm burdening her. Or being... almost ungrateful in a way? She's done enough for me, why am I asking her for so much?

Wow, that sounds like an amazing gift. I'm glad your T did that for you! What a way to help you feel relaxed. I would absolutely LOVE that. I could never ask my T for that though. I can't imagine her doing that. The most I'll get is a short voicemail, but it's better than nothing.