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#1
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Hi all,not sure this is in the correct place or that I’m even doing this right, first time for me.
I apologize if this is hard to understand my grammar has never been the best and my brain is in a thick fog at the moment and also my time is always mixed up and sometimes not accurate. probably will be long as well. so here goes. Basically I can’t decide weather or not to go back to my T (psychologist)I’m hoping sharing some with you will allow for you to help me think more clearly maybe see something I’m missing that will help me decide or just what your opinion is.So I will try to keep as short as I can but as clear as possible. So approximately 4 years ago I took the plunge to go back to a T hadn’t been to one in many years I decided before calling her that she would be my last attempt at seeing one if she didn’t work for me I’m done. My history with psychologists,counsellors,social workers and the like has never went well but they are all long stories in them selves. So all these bad experiences non of which are similar to this one really.Are the reason I was very reluctant in the first place. I had never gotten far in therapy but with this T I decided I was going to just trust her surely, surely they can’t all be bad and she will want to help me and do her job well. this was my first mistake I didn’t let a trust build before I told myself to stop being stupid and just trust her, so I can get better I wrote everything down I didn’t actually say it so it was in a way not helpful because it didn’t feel like I had said out loud or that it had left me I couldn’t see her reaction. I wrote everything between sessions. At first I didn’t intend to show her I just wrote it down to get it out of my head a lot of it I never recall writing.Then she would read it between sessions and we’d discuss it in the next, she sometimes said it took her 7 hours to read through it all, I wrote a lot never slept.So with this I told her many things I have never told a soul. my reaction to this was pretty harsh on myself, disclosing so many things I was forbidden to remember let alone speak of. In this time things were bumpy between her and i ,I ran into her several times in public this was kind of hard for me but no biggy really, and she would always turn bright red like she was embarrassed when we seen each other should have been the other way around I think but anyway. then there was a man I had known my whole life he’s older than me around my parents age I see him atleast once a week he has always been a tormenty kind of guy just joking around so I just took this as being just him and brushed the coincidence off although thoughts crossed my mind but just that ,were never dwelled on or thought about as such, that he knew what was spoken of in therapy I never actually believed it would be possible.it just happened that his joking around would every week be something related to exactly what I had spoken about with T. Then one day I was driving past this guys house as I often do he lives on a fairly busy road that gets me to and from many places from where I live and her car was parked at his house my heart skipped a couple of beats I had an instant lump in my throat and my stomach sank I stopped the car turned around and double checked it was her car I just wanted to be sure,although I knew it was her car from the same wheels, extra seats and the mothers day present hanging from the rear view mirror she told me about at last sess and when I see number plates I for some dumb reason never, well rarely forget them if they are seen regularly and I seen this car every time I had an appointment with her. but wrote the number plate down anyway maybe these actions crossed a barrier on my part but it was the circumstances I had no other intention to use this info than to ensure I wasn’t being paranoid or something so I then drove past her office next work day checked the number plate even though I knew and no I didn’t jump to conclusions I gave her every benefit of the doubt I did not want this to be true.I went to the next session acted like all was fine told her there was something else I had dealt with this week and I had pre thought a story. nothing I had ever spoken of before, nothing that was true a very out there story I used real ppl I know as the characters in this story ppl I thought surely she would never know only used first names anyway.I worried she would be able to tell I was lying but maybe it just came across as embarrassment or nervous to tell her this event because i was. then I left and I had told no one else this story then low and behold the next time I seen the guy he tormented me about the leaked home porn video of me he apparently had seen online but this did not exist it was only a story I had told her is this coincidence as well? so next visit I confronted her about it she reacted very shocked stammered a lot got kind of angry denied it kept telling me it would ruin her life her kids lives ,she could get in a lot of trouble(you don’t say).but anyway we spent next session talking about it, well she did just denied it said I needed to trust her and that she was upset her personal space had been violated that was it. but me being me decided to try and forget this and thought maybe she didn’t and if she did surely she wouldn’t again. so kept seeing her I did take a month or so off then went back twice or so at this point I’d been seeing her 2 years then she really looked terrible and sad and in a lot of pain on our last session our next one was booked then 3 days before it I received a letter saying she was taking extended leave for personal unforeseen circumstances I took this really hard I did believe it tho as she looked so sad last session about a year went by and I had a break down I guess, had to leave my job my husband in desperation called her for help she was back at work but was leaving in two weeks to have a baby so suggested another place to go to I had been there before they pulled my children at the time the oldest aged 9 aside and told them I had schizophrenia pretty sure they’d mixed me up with another patient as this is a government funded service where I seen a different person each week sure I have mental illness but that’s not on my list or even suspected as a possibility so I was never going back there. So all the above still bothers me maybe I’m stupid but I miss her in a way, and feel like I need closure for that but if this was it I’d prob just let it go or live with it. so the reason I want to go back honestly I believe I need a psychologist and only want to go back to her because I kind of am attached and simply don’t want to start over from scratch.but I think I only want to see her one more time as I want to clear something up.so at the time she went on leave I was still seeing a long time GP who just didn’t treat me well according to him everything was because I was abused and was just in my head I had started seeing another gp but had to go back to this one because the new one left the practice my T understood about this doctor and had spoken to him to help him understand me better he agreed and acted all helpful but then done nothing they’d talked about when I went back he lied to her so she knew. so I went to this doc again after she went on leave he felt compelled to tell me why she went on leave he told me she was getting divorced next visit he told me something different. (I found the Gp who moved and have since been diagnosed and cured of cancer,diagnosed arthritis,fractured bones and spurs on my feet so it wasn’t in my head).Then my daughters T somehow knew and she told me yet another reason then eventually my older teenage daughter started seeing a new T after a suicide attempt, must be on some record because she also knew my T had taken leave she also gave me yet another reason then I went to see another T yes I caved for a moment didn’t work ,3 or 4 sessions but yes she told me my T’s father died .I was up until 8 months ago seeing a psychiatrist I am not now as she said I was well enough and know where she is if I need her.she told me my T had moved interstate. just so we are clear here I did not feel the need to know why nor did I think it was any of my business to know why if she wanted me to know why she would have told me. yes I wondered and I hoped she and her family were all ok but it is not something that bothered me I never asked them and I was never except for with my psychiatrist the one to bring it up and when I did with her I did not ask or say I wonder why.I knew what my psychiatrist had said was not true as I still see my T all the time out in public as in walking her dog,shopping, at the park ,at children’s events and birthday parties as we have several acquaintance in the same circles live fairly close have children the same age and kids at the same school my Psychiatrist does not know all this. but I made the mistake of when my psychiatrist said my T had moved interstate I said no she hasn’t I see her all the time. so then after that my psych, GP, every medical or mental health person myself or my children are involved with give me the impression my T thinks I am stalking her they tell me I need to respect her privacy and know my boundaries other than turning around that day writing down the number plate and driving by to double check so as not to jump to any conclusions and surely after reading the above I hope atleast some of you can understand how I justify that as ok.I have never gone out of my way to drive by her or where she is or gone out of my way to be in the same place I go out of my way to avoid her but yes I do often see her I used to smile sometimes say hi if we came face to face but now I just turn my head as does she I find myself everyday going way out of my way to avoid the possibility of seeing her I drive the long way around to avoid entire suburbs I make my sister or husband change plans to drop my kids off at friends and places that are near places I’ve not only often but maybe once seen her near I don’t let my kids go places sometimes because I could see her walking her dog or driving past,I don’t grocery shop where I used to because she shops there,I never go to local shopping malls because I’ve seen her there often I changed petrol stations,I didn’t let my daughter join a dance class with her friends because her daughter attends that dance school,i have deactivated facebook to lose contact with ppl that she knows even tho i lack friends and these ppl were great company and probably the closest i have to friends i am feeling more isolated than ever, I am becoming paranoid she thinks I’m stalking her I am trying my hardest to avoid her and it is really disruptive to my and my families life and rather inconvenient it more than anything bothers me that she would think this I have since told my sister who says I should have reported her and if she hadn’t done it she would have nothing to worry about and that now she’s probably turning everyone against me to cover her and make me look bad so she can get away with it.but I just can not bring my self to believe that although it feels like it a lot because how do all these professionals know about it and why do they keep bringing it up when I don’t.I am starting to feel like I need to move far away and I can’t trust anyone because they will all just say it is in my head,I am being paranoid or they seem to think I am stalking her so what should I do should I make an appointment with her and tell her everything ppl say to me and what I do to avoid her and how this is making me feel and that I don’t like thinking she may be afraid of me or something???? I am also terrified to even call to ask for an appointment as to what her reaction will be.and also that she will see this and know it is me which i guess now i write that it mightn't be that bad if she did..maybe |
#2
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I admit I only read half of your post but no, you should not go back to that therapist.
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#3
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I agree. You need to find a new therapist, not this old one. Too much water under the bridge.
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#4
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I third that vote. You have nothing to gain by going back to this therapist. She was not helpful in the past, no matter that you are comfortable with her and don't want to start over, there is no way she can have become better, after you feel she betrayed you in the first place. She does not sound like a good therapist.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
#5
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Definitely do not go back to her. It's not worth it.
You don't have to live your life in her shadow. Be confident and live your life how you want. I let fear of running into a previous T keep me from doing certain things (shopping/going to certain places) but eventually I realized that he wasn't worth the worry. |
#6
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yes it is pretty hard to read but thank you so much for taking the time and replying . |
#7
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Thanks for your reply.i don't think i can put myself through another therapist.but yeah there is a lot of water . |
#8
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Thank you for your time and response . |
#9
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thankyou for taking the time to read and for your response. |
#10
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i would say i most likely won't ever attempt to return to her.
but i do wish i could sort this out and know what she thinks from her not from other doctors and psychs but it probably would just go bad and end up worse .then seeing her once might put me back to square one like when it first started and i don't want to feel that bad again even though that bad feeling has never completely gone. i don't know why i do this i do it with many ppl if i think about it if they treat me badly or push me away i for some reason hold on to them tighter metaphorically speaking so kind of in an emotional way i guess and feel like i have done something wrong even though logically i know i haven't and i constantly feel like i need to fix what ever it is i have done wrong which is usually nothing.i think people always mean more to me than i do to them.makes no sense that i do this and try to stay or get close build relationships with people who push me away because at the same time i don't trust anybody probably more than ever right now. |
#11
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I wouldn't make an appointment to see her. Just leave it be..but if you are to see her around and can find the courage to, you could confront her. Actually I don't see why you haven't done the yet? It makes sense to. If she has no problem gossiping about you to others and ignoring the confidentiality laws then you really have every right to confront her and remind her that you have every right to report her for what she did. You have every right to let her know how her gross misconduct hurt you and how her bad mouthing of you to others in your community is not only rude and childish, but harmful and pretty much slander. Stop worrying about how she feels and how this is affecting her because she obviously didn't have any regard for you from the start and still doesn't, she only cares about herself alone..and you could see that when you confronted her about her talking about your sessions to others and what was said. Stop protecting her and start protecting yourself. Do not give her anymore more of your money by making an appointment and either report her or confront her publicly. Let her know that if she continues slandering you around town and to people that you will get a lawyer involved..see how fast she shuts her mouth then.
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#12
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Thanks Kneehole,
i have thought about asking her when i see her out and about but firstly i probably wouldn't have the courage i am a very shy person to start with so that on top of this whole mess makes it really hard for me i think because i know i am not meant to discuss this outside a session and yes i know she has not stuck to that but it continues to be drilled into me with every health professional i speak to so obviously word has spread throughout them that i have crossed this although i haven't and i think she knows how gutless i am at standing up to ppl who treat me badly and that no one will believe me if i do because all these health professionals who bring this up every time all have the heads up on her side of the story so i think if i were to do this it would just make it even more difficult when i go to any doctor anywhere and i feel like i will never be able to see a new psychologist because if my daughters psychs both new of this and spoke to me like i had boundary issues i'm pretty sure any one i try will as well .i feel like every right i have has been taken away who are they going to believe the psychologist or the mentally ill person with a life time full of mountains of issues.i think i lose here no matter what i do. thankyou for taking the time to read and answer.i think everyone is helping to make me stop considering trying to make an appointment again with her i just find it hard to let go when things are in a mess |
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