[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm not sure if someone has posted anything about this already, so I apologize if that's the case.

Mother's Day is an incredibly rough time for me. I always dread it. I don't have it in me to be crafty and give "homemade" cards to everyone anymore. So I always leave the store on the verge of tears when I am out buying cards. My mother and I are not estranged (that's the most painful part) but there is not a card in the world that describes our relationship. I literally cannot thank her for anything but material objects and my existence. Even then, I am not too thrilled about my existence anyway.

I cry not because I am envious of all of the beautiful cards that overflow with gratitude, love, and respect; but because I don't know what message I want to deliver to my mom. It's not in my head and nowhere in sight so I begin to panic. I love my mother...a lot. But i literally have nothing nice to say to her.

So this year I tried to make the trip a little more bearable by making the decision to buy a card for all of the influential mothers in my life. I most certainly have a lot of love to give and there are definitely women who exist that deserve to be thanked and know they are loved. So I bought several cards and this year I included my Therapist on the list. Is that weird?

This time last year, I had only known her for 2 months and had sessions once every Tuesday. I still was unsure of her personal life and Mother's Day was 5 days after my appointment. This year, I am seeing her later today (Friday)...so it is only a couple days away and I have also known her for over a year now. I have so much love and respect for this lady and I have witnessed how wonderful of a mother she is purely by how much her son loves her.

The card I got her is pretty generic and does not refer to her as a "mother figure" or even as a friend. It's pretty perfect because it literally just describes how I feel about her. I'm super nervous to give it to her though because I'm not sure how she'll react or if it is out of line...? Plus I struggle giving people things in general because of how vulnerable it is.

This is what the card says:

"Clearly, you need to be told about yourself...

You are one beauty-wearing, strength-having, intelligence-using, respect-earning, dignity-showing, all-around-wonderful woman.

And today's a good day to remind you!

Happy Mother's Day"

Thoughts???

That sounds like the perfect card.

As for your mother, don't try to find a card. Buy a coffee mug with a flower or a cat on it or a single flower in a vase or something. No verbal/written sentiment to wrestle with but at least some sort of token so you've done your "duty".

[Perna]

I always enjoyed the challenge of buying my T cards for holidays, especially ones like Mother's Day. I started buying cards for her when she was away for a long time one year and I found the perfect one to describe how much I missed her, which I mailed to her office. Just "doing" something while she was away made me feel better.

With cards I use to give my stepmother, I would try to think of one little thing we had done together when I was small, she and I both thought baby animal figurines were cute, for example, and she had a lot she shared with me/let me "play" with so I sometimes would buy cards that reminded me of those/were a little childish. Otherwise I would get a card a teen might give, talking about not cleaning my room or something (something she and I might have argued about) or otherwise saying she had had trouble with me (rather than that I was having trouble relating to her). Since it was referencing something in the past, it kind of skated over the present situation.

It would be a wonderful card for your therapist.

i gave up even noticing mothers day years ago.

she puts me through hell every day (including mothers day), and then expects her children to get her a card.

well none of us do anymore

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry Mother's Day is so difficult for you. I think Hallmark has made it very hard for many people. I never liked the sentimental, gushy cards though I loved my mother. I wish my mother were alive now so that I could just be with her.

I've never sent my T a Mother's Day card, but I recently took a photograph that I think she will like, and I might email it to her with a note. She loves her kids very much, so I think she will appreciate it. She will probably get a zillion wishes on Facebook from friends and relatives, but I know she will like my thoughts too.

I think your T will appreciate the card very much!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Perna

With cards I use to give my stepmother, I would try to think of one little thing we had done together when I was small, she and I both thought baby animal figurines were cute, for example, and she had a lot she shared with me/let me "play" with so I sometimes would buy cards that reminded me of those/were a little childish. Otherwise I would get a card a teen might give, talking about not cleaning my room or something (something she and I might have argued about) or otherwise saying she had had trouble with me (rather than that I was having trouble relating to her). Since it was referencing something in the past, it kind of skated over the present situation.

How did she take those? I had tried that with my mother several times, back when i was still trying, and it was never anywhere near good.

[RTerroni]

I actually felt a little upset that I forget to wish my Therapist a Happy Mother's Day at session this past week since I know that she is the mother to a 3 year old. I do have it on my journal for next week to wish her a Happy Belated Mother's Day and to ask her how it went for her.

[bounceback]

I am dreading mother's day. It is the first one without my mom. We struggled in our relationship also. For a long time I would say it was tumultuous. I worked a lot on our relationship in therapy before she died. There are still things left unsaid and things that she said that were hurtful. I still love her though. This mother's day we are putting flowers on her grave. I would usually look for the humorous cards because the sentimental ones just didn't fit our relationship.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by hankster

How did she take those? I had tried that with my mother several times, back when i was still trying, and it was never anywhere near good.

My stepmother was all about the immediate act right in front of her (all other Mother's Days, past or future need not apply), not specifically the content, but I did not realize that I don't think until I was grown. I had a great gift I wanted to give my parents one Christmas but it fell through, turned out not to be appropriate and I was in college with limited time to shop and no Plan B so did not have anything for them that year and you'd think I'd stuck a knife directly into her heart.

Generic/"average" cards with culturally "expected" sentiments could work fine. All mother's day cards are going to talk about love, and care and "mother" sorts of topics and if you ignore that it is not at all how you perceive your own mother or how much like that she actually is. . . "it's the thought that counts"

Protecting one's own heart is a good idea; just do what is "expected", smile, and pretend a lot and try not what you want on that particular day. This mother's day I am hosting a party with my stepsons and their mother, my husband's ex-wife. She thinks we are best friends.

[nottrustin]

Since my mom passed away Mother's day has been very difficult for me. I had a wonderful relationship with my mom. My mom's birthday is May 5 so there are a couple of big days back to back. I wish all the marketing and commercialization of Mother's day would go away. In fact I would rather just skip Mother's Day. However, T reminds me that Mother's Day isn't really all about me. My children and husband love to spoil me on Mother's day...they are wonderful year round but mother's day they are even more so. To skip out on Mother's day wouldn't be fair to them. So I suck it up an enjoy the love of my family and pretend that I like the day.

[Perna]

Yes, nottrustin, it is hard when other things are going on at the same time. My father's birthday was May 18. My mother died when I was young and so I had a bit of conflict with that, too, having to celebrate my stepmother.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by Perna

I always enjoyed the challenge of buying my T cards for holidays, especially ones like Mother's Day. I started buying cards for her when she was away for a long time one year and I found the perfect one to describe how much I missed her, which I mailed to her office. Just "doing" something while she was away made me feel better.

With cards I use to give my stepmother, I would try to think of one little thing we had done together when I was small, she and I both thought baby animal figurines were cute, for example, and she had a lot she shared with me/let me "play" with so I sometimes would buy cards that reminded me of those/were a little childish. Otherwise I would get a card a teen might give, talking about not cleaning my room or something (something she and I might have argued about) or otherwise saying she had had trouble with me (rather than that I was having trouble relating to her). Since it was referencing something in the past, it kind of skated over the present situation.

This is a good way to thinks about it. But I don't have anything with my mom. There's nothing we have shared or anything that reminds me of her. I do love her but it sucks that I can't even relate to the funny cards because the way she would deal with me not cleaning my room or completing a chore was very abusive, so I can't make it a joking matter.

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

i gave up even noticing mothers day years ago.


she puts me through hell every day (including mothers day), and then expects her children to get her a card.


well none of us do anymore

I'm very sorry you and your siblings have struggled celebrating your mom. It's unfair for her to expect anything and I don't blame you for ignoring Mother's Day. I would ignore it if it weren't for my grandmother (mom's mom). Her and my grandfather raised me for the most part and I have much gratitude for all she's endured. She did not get to experience retirement because of me.
Since my mom comes over an we are all together on Mother's Day it would cause drama that I don't have the energy to deal with, if I don't get her something as well.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm sorry Mother's Day is so difficult for you. I think Hallmark has made it very hard for many people. I never liked the sentimental, gushy cards though I loved my mother. I wish my mother were alive now so that I could just be with her.


I've never sent my T a Mother's Day card, but I recently took a photograph that I think she will like, and I might email it to her with a note. She loves her kids very much, so I think she will appreciate it. She will probably get a zillion wishes on Facebook from friends and relatives, but I know she will like my thoughts too.


I think your T will appreciate the card very much!

Thanks. Hallmark really does make it plenty miserable! I am a very sentimental person and enjoy showing love whenever I can but i can't do it if it's not genuine. That makes me sad because I want to be able to give my mom something like that but I don't truly feel those things toward her. The card to my therapist contains more admiration as gratitude than the one I got for my mom. It's just sad.
I'm sorry you don't have your mother here anymore. She is with you still though.

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I actually felt a little upset that I forget to wish my Therapist a Happy Mother's Day at session this past week since I know that she is the mother to a 3 year old. I do have it on my journal for next week to wish her a Happy Belated Mother's Day and to ask her how it went for her.

I think it's okay and you'll get to make up for it when you see her next.

Originally Posted by bounceback

I am dreading mother's day. It is the first one without my mom. We struggled in our relationship also. For a long time I would say it was tumultuous. I worked a lot on our relationship in therapy before she died. There are still things left unsaid and things that she said that were hurtful. I still love her though. This mother's day we are putting flowers on her grave. I would usually look for the humorous cards because the sentimental ones just didn't fit our relationship.

I'm so sorry. I imagine that is such a heavy feeling to carry. It's a big fear of mine that my mom and I will have unfinished business that she will take to her grave.

My mom is (not formally diagnosed, but definitely fits most criteria) manic-depressive with narcissistic personality traits. She is incapable of telling her therapist or doctors the whole truth, so it's impossible to get an accurate diagnosis.
Both of my parents have NPD and I definitely suffer from "adult child of narcissistic parents" symptoms.

Originally Posted by Perna

Protecting one's own heart is a good idea; just do what is "expected", smile, and pretend a lot and try not what you want on that particular day. This mother's day I am hosting a party with my stepsons and their mother, my husband's ex-wife. She thinks we are best friends.

I agree. If I don't protect myself she could completely destroy me, so I've had that guard up with her for a few years now. Therapy had helped me cope and come to terms with the fact I cannot change her and she likely will not change, but I can change myself.

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Since my mom passed away Mother's day has been very difficult for me. I had a wonderful relationship with my mom. My mom's birthday is May 5 so there are a couple of big days back to back. I wish all the marketing and commercialization of Mother's day would go away. In fact I would rather just skip Mother's Day. However, T reminds me that Mother's Day isn't really all about me. My children and husband love to spoil me on Mother's day...they are wonderful year round but mother's day they are even more so. To skip out on Mother's day wouldn't be fair to them. So I suck it up an enjoy the love of my family and pretend that I like the day.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm positive she is right there with you, and if you could feel her presence and internalize that love and great memories, maybe the day will be more peaceful? I don't know. I just feel bad and All I can say is sorry it's such a hard time of year for you. I can't begin to imagine.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Oh and I have given my T her card and she had the biggest smile on her face and said thank you.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by AllyIsHopeful

Oh and I have my T her card and she had the biggest smile on her face and said thank you.

That's nice to hear, I wasn't planning on doing anything for my Therapist for Mother's Day but I did tell her that I plan on getting her a card for her birthday in August (which is a milestone 35th this year).

[Favorite Jeans]

What about a blank card with a nice picture on the cover? Inside you can write something bland like "Have a happy Mother's Day! -- heart Ally"

There's no lie there about how wonderful she is/was and you can sincerely wish almost anyone a nice day. Alternatively, you're not really obliged to do anything for Mother's Day. But maybe it feels too pointed or confrontational to let it go unmarked? Will the fallout from ignoring it be more trouble than you want to deal with? Good luck with it.

[rebecca123]

MOther's Day just another day for me......

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

What about a blank card with a nice picture on the cover? Inside you can write something bland like "Have a happy Mother's Day! -- heart Ally"

There's no lie there about how wonderful she is/was and you can sincerely wish almost anyone a nice day. Alternatively, you're not really obliged to do anything for Mother's Day. But maybe it feels too pointed or confrontational to let it go unmarked? Will the fallout from ignoring it be more trouble than you want to deal with? Good luck with it.

The card I ended up choosing wasn't blank but the message was a longer version of saying "have a happy mother's day". So in the end I didn't feel like a fraud and she still felt warm and fuzzy. I don't know if it feels any better though. Mother's Day is just such a confusing time.