Yet Another Letter to Madame T.

She hasn't told me not to. That would be closure of a kind.

And she did reply to earlier letters. (Eg the tree drawing execise.) So the channel is still open.

The bottom line is that neither of us is willing to accept responsibility for a definite termination. So it limps on.

Scapegoat, punching bag, lightning rod: call it what you will, she still serves a useful purpose.

I'm prefacing this comment with the admission that I haven't the foggiest idea why you ended your therapy with her so none of what I say may make any sense. My apologies if that is the case:

Why does a termination have to be anyone's responsibility? Isn't the possibility that, since this is a therapy relationship that both of you are part of, perhaps both of you bear responsibility in whatever issues caused the therapy relationship to need to end? It is pretty rare that the end of any relationship is the fault of only one party. Usually there is plenty of responsibility to go around. Can you get past the need for her to take the entire blame for whatever went awry? The blame game won't get you anywhere. Sometimes dropping that "need" and being willing to forgive and move on is the most healing action to a hurting relationship. I'm not sure you are there yet, and thus, I'm not terribly convinced anything will improve here.

I promised myself a happy ending.

Well I'm sorry to say that not everything has a happy ending, I didn't really have a happy ending with my first adult Therapist and I had a horrible ending with my second. But I am optimistic that the ending with current Therapist (2 weeks from now) will be happy one.

You can't always get that. Sometimes it's happier for you in the long run to let to and move on.

Is it possible that you are avoiding feelings of sadness and grief by holding onto her so tightly?