[growlithing]

So for anyone who hasn't been following me, I have a really hard time accepting anyone's love or compassion. If someone tells me they love me, I usually don't believe them and I ask for lots of reaffirmation that it wasn't a mistake.

In the past, LCM would not say "I love you" and it was kind of a big deal. She said she won't say it just to make me happy and instead wants to show me how she feels about me through her actions instead of just telling me because love and compassion are more than just words. I'd tell her that I love her and she wouldn't reciprocate. I wasn't looking for her to reciprocate after a while. I knew she wouldn't say it back. I just like to tell people I love them if I do. I began to not panic when she didn't say it back because I started to understand that her not saying it doesn't mean that she doesn't love me. And I decided that I think she does. She loves me at least in terms of how I define it.

Today, she said she loves me. I didn't say it first. She just said she loves me. And I believed her. I believe her. I don't need to sit around and question it because I know she does. I've never been able to accept that before. And I am so happy because I know I said that I already knew, but I still secretly wanted her to confirm my suspicions.

This is just me being happy. I know people will be skeptical of the boundaries. That's okay. I just feel like I might have accidentally made progress and didn't even notice.

Oh and my first day at work was today too. It was a training session to see if I would fit in the job and it went really well. My supervisors were impressed at my abilities to handle an obnoxious customer. The customer was angry with me when I wouldn't let her break the rules of the house. She cussed me out and caused a scene and I remained steadfast about the rules without fighting back or losing my cool. My supervisors made a note to my boss that I was very impressive. So I officially got the job.

LCM and I narrowed down the list of T's to call. I'm going to call one tomorrow. We wrote a script.

So yeah sorry I'm just writing about nothing. Maybe it will be refreshing to see me not whining about something.

[unaluna]

Your post reminds me of a joke of which i can only remember the punchline: "but parts of me are excellent!" Not everything comes together for me at the same time - im thinking thats just how integration works. How progress works. Thats pretty much how my t and i are about our i love yous - they dont have to be simultaneous. So cool about the job!

[blur]

you sound like you're making great progress. happy for you.

[Depletion]

I'm so happy for you. I hope that you find a T you feel safe with.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Yay! This is so cool! Ahh I'm so pleased she finally said it, I think it will do your heart good And the success at your new job is great too! Both things will be amazing for your confidence.

[dark_sweetie]

N'awww that is so sweet.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Yay! This is so cool! Ahh I'm so pleased she finally said it, I think it will do your heart good And the success at your new job is great too! Both things will be amazing for your confidence.

I think I needed to hear it to be honest. I typically only hear that from anyone like once every few months so it's really meaningful when it happens.

LCM can't stand my mother. My mom is overbearing, unappreciative, doesn't pay her nearly enough, and calls her at random times, demanding her attention, and then just whines about money for an hour. I told LCM that my mother was annoyed with her because of something really irrelevant. She said "oh god I guess I have to call the woman. Just know that I only put up with her because I love you". I was kinda taken aback for a second and asked her if she was serious because I honestly wasn't expecting that. "Of course I do! I love you tons." I actually cried and I'm not sure why. I've replayed her saying it over and over in my mind just because it makes me feel loved.

I'm happy because I forgot how good I am at handling obnoxious people. Makes me think that maybe my childhood with my obnoxious mother might have resulted in at least one positive thing. Also because doing well is nice and even nicer when someone paying you notices.

[withoutthelove_]

I'm so so happy for you Growli! Eek! That's so exciting!
I'm also a little envious, but mostly happy, I swear!

[Aloneandafraid]

I am happy for you Growli. It sounds so meaningful. I too am envious but I too am really happy for you. Hold on to that special feeling.

[AllyIsHopeful]

How healing this must be...to witness love and compassion through actions and care for so long and finally hear those words. It makes perfect sense that this would feel so gratifying. She defined love and made sure you understood the definition before using the word. Seems very powerful.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by AllyIsHopeful

How healing this must be...to witness love and compassion through actions and care for so long and finally hear those words. It makes perfect sense that this would feel so gratifying. She defined love and made sure you understood the definition before using the word. Seems very powerful.

I keep repeating the words in my head. I never want to forget the way they sounded. I feel very overwhelmed with good stuff for a change. She loves me. I am excited and it's weird to me because being excited implies that I'm looking forward to something. It's almost like I'm excited to be alive and know that someone loves me. Very cheesy but I don't care. I love her so much and the fact that I was right and she does love me too means so much to me.

[sweepy62]

Very proud of you growly.

ooooo Growli's growing!!

I'm so glad you are feeling better.

[Bill3]

Thanks for letting us know!

[gayleggg]

Sounds like you really feel good. Congratulations on doing well under pressure at work! That's great and especially hard with people looking over your shoulder.

Love is an awesome thing. Enjoy.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I keep repeating the words in my head. I never want to forget the way they sounded. I feel very overwhelmed with good stuff for a change. She loves me. I am excited and it's weird to me because being excited implies that I'm looking forward to something. It's almost like I'm excited to be alive and know that someone loves me. Very cheesy but I don't care. I love her so much and the fact that I was right and she does love me too means so much to me.

It does make a difference. Its so primal. My mother watches all these nature shows now (she didnt when i was growing up) and when i was living with her a few years ago, i was like, how does she not see how kind the mama animals are to their babies, then be so mean to me?? I dont know what happened to her - she only talks to my older brother - but to survive, i had to move on to another tribe.

[growlycat]

Getting that job too is worth many many congrats!! Well earned!!!!1