Money Drama

Our session is supposed to start and she's not online. Even as I know it's not a catastrophe, I am shaking. Come on, nervous system, take a break.

I sent one email to let her know she was not showing online: there have been glitches a time or two in the past.

I will NOT send her more. I am worried she's too angry to talk to me, that I brought up the email and she thinks I expect too much. It's harder than it should be to remember that *she* offered the email, I never asked for it, and this is just a relatively simple situation to work out.

It's 10:15. She is not online and did not reply to my email about her offline status. I have her home phone number. I am NOT going to call it.

Anything could have happened.... traffic, computer update issue, emergency (hope not), lost track of time...

This paying for email should NOT be a big enough deal to her to make her upset enough to skip a session.... I'm afraid she thought my tone in that last email about hoping for her to read what I wrote and honor the fee was sarcastic/angry, but it wasn't. Even still... this is only a big deal to me right? It shouldn't be ahuge issue to her, to her, it's just something to renegotiate if anything.

Unless... she feels she got too entangled with me and worries about her boundaries.

"Hi Leah, OMG, I just woke up!! I thought I would doze and my cell phone and my XXXX (dog's name) let me down. Guess I was more tired that I thought from gardening! I need to walk him and wake up. Could be do 2:30?"

Of course, it's too late. I am shaking and crying and my nervous system got ahead of my brain. My brain knows that was likely, some kind of... mixup, but it's just so uncommon with her, that never happened before. My brain knows that she's good at her job and wouldn't do that to me. The rest of me doesn't seem to know it.

"Oh ye, of little faith."

I think it's really difficult to be in control of your emotions when your body is physically overloaded with anxiety and fear. I'm sorry this happened. It seems like right now you need a lot of containment due to the work you're doing in therapy and you're just not getting it right now for lots of reasons.

Glad to hear she got back to you. I know that's so difficult. But allow yourself to feel angry or upset or whatever you're feeling. It's justified, and it's okay. Can you talk to her about how you're feeling?

IS THE UNIVERSE kidding me? Just asking.

I saw my therapist come online. Our session starts in three minutes. I clicked on her profile, and randomly, another individual had already started a session with her.

I imagine she'll let them know she has another appointment to keep, but honestly, this is ridiculous.

Hooray!
I just finished a session with my t, 75 minutes, followed by an email as we ran out of time.
I got everything on my mind out and she resolved it all with me!
She acknowledged the inconsistency regarding the email and we agreed on how to do a midweek email session for the amount she offered, but where I do consolidate my posts into two a day (one initial, and one replying to her response) so that I feel more contained and it's simpler for her.

She also sent me a personal photo of her and her dog in her easy chair, it is more casual and warm than the one she sent last week that I had a hard time with, and helps me feel connected to her, reassured by her.

She didn't charge me for the email portion of our session today, and even offered to credit me for charging more for email for the last two weeks. I accepted it as free today, but declined a credit, and feel very good and balanced about it.

Her empathy and steadfastness and patience really came through today and I'm grateful.