[SheHulk07]

For the past few sessions, my T and I have been working specifically on boundaries with my father. I have a list of rules that my therapist and I worked on that would warrant me calling the cops on him, like him coming over in the middle of the night or coming to our house without us there. I also have "homework" of a list of things that I need to eventually tell him about, like how I'm uncomfortable with him moving out here.

(Background)
My father is moving out here this month, and there's a history of abuse so I'm uncomfortable around him and worry that he's going to stalk me and drive by my house, etc.

He came out here yesterday and showed up at my house and was sleeping in my driveway in his truck. He did offer to buy us groceries and help us out with what we need, so we said he could stay a few days while he's going back and forth between Denver & Chicago to bring his stuff out.

According to my therapist (and I agree), I have avoidant personality so it's really easy for me to brush this under the rug and not say anything to my father about it. I don't want to upset him before he helps us out like he promised. For me, him staying over night is different than him living with me. That I could not do.

The problem is, I feel like I'm going to upset my T on Thursday when I see him and I tell him I let my father spend a few nights and didn't bring up that I'm uncomfortable. I don't want him feeling like we've wasted the past few weeks on nothing, even though I literally had a panic attack talking about it last week. I know I'm setting myself up for stress and ultimately that will likely lead to SH, but I'm giving in because it's easier and he's still my father. I don't know how to proceed or explain myself with my T. Any advice?

[AllyIsHopeful]

This is a process and it's not going to be easy to rewire yourself overnight. You were given a test with this situation and it's ok to fail at first...it's tough! It's important that you realized you went against what you and your T had planned and that you are aware it doesn't feel right. That is a huge first step!
I'm sure your T won't be harsh on you about this. Just be honest and be sure to explain how all of this made feel, and why you felt the need to still accommodate your father. Your T could help you figure out why it was so hard to tell your father how you felt and maybe he can help you with dialogue.
Has he asked you exactly what you would like to say to your father? It's one thing to know there is plenty to say, but another to organize the thoughts to effectively and calmly communicate them.

I would be surprise if your T is upset with you over this instead of helping you work through the "why, what, and how" of the situation.

[purplemystery]

I agree with AllyIsHopeful that you can't expect to change your actions right away. I have a difficult father, and am working on setting boundaries on what I allow him to say to me or ask me because he oversteps the line. That is hard enough because most of my lifetime has been following a pattern of being as agreeable with him as possible. It was a defense mechanism. Maybe you have developed a similar pattern with your father, so please don't be too hard on yourself. I am sure that your T will understand and want to do everything he can to help you-- use him as much as you can as a resource during this time. You CAN do this, but it will take time to get to where you want to be. What is going on with your father sounds very scary, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[SheHulk07]

Thank you. Your response actually temporarily calmed me down.

We have made a list of what I want to say to him, but my T told me I didn't have to say all those things at once. Just to start small.

[CantExplain]

Ts know that patients don't always take their advice straight away.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

For the past few sessions, my T and I have been working specifically on boundaries with my father. I have a list of rules that my therapist and I worked on that would warrant me calling the cops on him, like him coming over in the middle of the night or coming to our house without us there. I also have "homework" of a list of things that I need to eventually tell him about, like how I'm uncomfortable with him moving out here.

(Background)
My father is moving out here this month, and there's a history of abuse so I'm uncomfortable around him and worry that he's going to stalk me and drive by my house, etc.

He came out here yesterday and showed up at my house and was sleeping in my driveway in his truck. He did offer to buy us groceries and help us out with what we need, so we said he could stay a few days while he's going back and forth between Denver & Chicago to bring his stuff out.

According to my therapist (and I agree), I have avoidant personality so it's really easy for me to brush this under the rug and not say anything to my father about it. I don't want to upset him before he helps us out like he promised. For me, him staying over night is different than him living with me. That I could not do.

The problem is, I feel like I'm going to upset my T on Thursday when I see him and I tell him I let my father spend a few nights and didn't bring up that I'm uncomfortable. I don't want him feeling like we've wasted the past few weeks on nothing, even though I literally had a panic attack talking about it last week. I know I'm setting myself up for stress and ultimately that will likely lead to SH, but I'm giving in because it's easier and he's still my father. I don't know how to proceed or explain myself with my T. Any advice?

If you really made a calculated decision to wait till your father helps you out, then it's "fine" (I don't have a better word for it- understandable, maybe?)
Just make sure you're not using this as an apology for postponing dealing with him.
Other than that I second what others said, no one (Ts esp.) expects this to be easy for you