[Lucinda]

Hi

I have a real problem with crying, it was never allowed at home and now in therpay ( i have been for 1year ) i find it near impossible as i think he is just going to go. Logically i know he isnt but the main fear is that he will go. have you any tips on getting past this, or how do you manage

I think if i do cry that it will never stop, im so scared about this. I have spoken at length with my t about this, he reassures me that he wont do what my parents did, that it is safe, i just find it so hard

Lucy

Hey. I went through a period of that. I couldn't cry in front of people. Can you cry when you are by yourself? Partly... It can be about exposure. If you can have a bit of a cry by youself then you can gradually come to see that if you do cry then you will stop crying. That might help you build some confidence to be able to cry in front of your t.

The way I learned how to cry... Was by doing mindfulness exercises. Focusing on my breathing. Watching my thoughts and feelings come and go. They kind of ebb and flow like waves upon the shore. I would feel waves of grief. Tears would roll down my cheeks. But I didn't cling to the feeling and I didn't try and push it away. And after a time the tears stop and I'd feel better. It would feel healing. I have cried a lot in my day. By myself in the dark. Tears of frustration and anger and despair and none of those tears were healing. The mindfulness ones were, though.

Different people might have different ideas...

Be kind to yourself.

I wasn't allowed to show any neg. emotions in front of my parents, but I often cried when alone in my room.

I'm going through a bit of a down time now so I'm crying a lot--in the waiting room of my internal med doc while waiting to get a follow up on my high blood pressure--nothing sad about that, but I had to ask the receptionist to put me in a room cuz I didn't want to be out in public just crying like that (she didn't have a room so basically put me in a closet until a room opened up & I was grateful for that).

I'm always crying at my pdoc's & T's lately. I cry when reading a book on how to increase your self-esteem.

I cry when certain music is played. I can't seem to turn off the tears, but I'm hoping this will pass soon as I regain some stability in my mood (bp).--Suzy

[Perna]

Have you tried using "props?" I would "learn" to get a Kleenex from his box to hold, prime myself some like that? Or, something that allows you to cry by yourself/at home; bring that in, special "toy"/pillow or blanket, etc. I love being "comfortable"/safe so wore my bedroom slippers to therapy a couple times in the winter :-) and brought a favorite throw that had belonged to my grandmother to a session once.

[JonB]

I've never been able to cry. And, it never occurred to me until reading this thread that a person could learn to do that. An interesting idea, but I have no practical advice on how to go about it.

I am curious though, as to why one would specifically want to be able to cry in front of another person (like a T). Is it a measure of your ability to show emotion or be "real?" Is there some benefit to it? Does it make you feel better?

I never really considered not being able to cry (alone or with anyone else) a problem. I get the feeling I'm missing something here.

Good luck.

[sunrise]

Jon, for me the difficulty would be if I really felt like crying and wanted to, but felt unable to. If I didn't feel like crying, then not crying wouldn't be a problem. For me, crying has been an integral part of grieving.

Crying does make me feel better, because walking around wanting to cry and forcing myself not to is a strain. So there is some relief when I do it. Also, there are stress hormones and proteins found in tears, so crying may be our body's way to eliminate some of these stressful compounds.

Article on health benefits of crying: Gender differences and the health benefits of crying

[JonB]

Sunrise - Thanks for the article link. That was very interesting. It must be quite a job to be a researcher who studies tears. I can understand how they can easily obtain "protective" tears from subjects, but how do think they get people to donate "emotional" tears? Fascinating job.

I thought the explanation of the physical effects was interesting.
I guess I've never been in a situation where I wished I could be crying and couldn't. I imagine it must be like wanting to be able to sleep and not being able to do it. It sounds frustrating.

[purplemoon]

Jon -

I would give anything to cry. I just can't. You know when you need to cry. I need to cry and I can't, not alone, not in therapy. I have shed a few tears in therapy but I can't ever just let it out. I am so conditioned against crying. My T tells me I need to cry, it can be very healing. I don't think if you don't need to cry it would be a big deal but when you do it is a big deal.

(((((((Lucinda))))))))) I am sorry that you are going through this I know what a drain it can be.

[Pughead]

The only time I cry is during a full blown panic attack. And then it is hysterical and uncontrollable. Other than that, I never cry.

Hey. Yeah, you can learn how to cry. You can learn how to get in touch with how you are feeling too. I know there are a lot of feelings out there... But one theory is that depression can be about inhibited feelings.

I guess there are two steps to this:
1) Identifying what you are feeling / being able to feel the feeling
2) Being able to express how you are feeling.
You can learn to do both.

Regarding practical advice I guess mindfulness meditation worked for me. You could mention this to your t. He might be able to help you by offering you some more strategies for helping you get in touch with your feelings.

i guess crying in front of your t can (but doesn't necessarily) signify that you are talking about things that you have a real emotional investment in. things that are hard. sometimes talking about that stuff and crying for past (or present) hurts can be healing. not always though.

Quite often guys are raised to not feel / express emotion. real guys don't cry etc. maybe that is why guys have higher incidence of depression and angry outbursts? it is thought to be healthy to be able to feel and express emotion appropriately. can be hard when our parents never showed us how (probably because they didn't know how themselves)

[ster]

I also have a very hard time crying. It just was not done by males. I have had many times I sould have but not me I had to fall into no emotion.

[jacq10]

Sunrise - thank you for that link, it was very interesting.

(((((((lucinda)))))))

[Lucinda]

Thankyou for all your replies

If do feel like im going to cry in therpay and stop myself. and change the subject, i keep telling myself that it ok to cry but i am so scared. Someone mentioned props, i had thought about taking in my pillow but i dont know.

Even at home when i feel i need to cry i sit by my bed and i just cannot stand the noise, im like it with other people crying as well

I will look for somthing on mindfullness and check out that other link hat was posted

Thankyou for all the feedback

Lucy