A client's feelings and touch

False hopes that the therapist could be more is often part of the therapy process itself for those of us who didn't get childhood needs met. (Read Glenn Gabbard's work.)

These feelings are worked through and discussed and are rich material for the type of therapy I've done, but perhaps this type of thing isn't explored in some types of therapy?

I think this is just an example of the confusion it's caused for you. An example.

I see these two comments differently. In the first one, it's more of a command. In the second, I think of it more like a farewell response. What makes it confusing is that you were terminating your relationship because of your feelings for her, and in the end….she basically sends the message of, "Hey, come here. Let's hug it out."

my T asks me if i want a hug. on two occasions he didnt ask and just hugged me. i wasnt alarmed or anything. but i would prefer it if he asked. that has been a while ago. we dont really hug anymore unless i ask him for one if i am struggling

Quote from skies, "About sexual feelings for T and hugs in general --
I'd be mortified if my therapists didn't hug me just because I had sexual feelings for them (and was honest about it). It would probably be damaging to our relationship."

I would have been absolutely devastated if my Therapist treated me like that—rejecting me for what I was feeling. I know I would have been suicidal.

My parents still treat me that way, accept me when I express feelings they like, and reject me when they don't like the feelings I am expressing. I can accept it in them now, because of excellent therapy where I Was NEVER REJECTED FOR ANYTHING I EXPRESSED! I receive total acceptance no matter what.

Thanks skies.

I wouldn't consider it okay for a therapist to ask the client for a hug in this situation. I would consider it okay for the therapist to offer a hug to the client (emphasis of client getting his/her needs met versus the therapist). As for the erotic transference, I think it really depends. There are many nuances and particularities to consider in each therapeutic relationship. I think that, by termination, even if erotic transference feelings persist, it should have been discussed enough for both client and therapists to understand the needs behind it. I think a therapist needs to consider those needs. For example, if a client is used to being valued only in sexual contexts and then develops erotic transference, then no, I wouldn't think it's constructive for a therapist to offer a hug just like that, even at the last session. Maybe accept to give one if the client asks and it's clearly not reenforcing anything sexual. On the other hand, it's a very different situation with (for example) clients who are used to being rejected and not accepted with their experiences and feelings - especially at termination, I think a hug might be okay in such a case, if the client wants one and, again, if it's clearly not sexual. I think a hug is especially beneficial to those who don't know how to be close to others (in a non-sexual way or at all). There are still more things to consider though, in my opinion, such as length and nature of therapeutic relationship, therapist's own comfort (I think a hug that isn't really meant is counter-therapeutic even just for that fact), etc. When it comes to hugs, I don't really have a rule for or against it, I think it's something that can be decided on a case-by-case basis. Now, of course, it does depend on whatever the law is where you are studying / practicing.

Personally, if my T didn't hug me, that would be a pretty big deprivation for me in therapy - but I'm the one that asks at least 95% of the time. But if it doesn't feel right to you, then it probably isn't.

Hi! I think that is it exactly - it can be seen in such different ways, depending on the context. I always do wonder why she did/say things the way she did - when she did suspect that seeing her itself was reinforcing... I think that was what was frustrating (if she was oblivious however - it perhaps could make more sense?)
I think it's definitely a tricky terminatition move - as the client is not able to work through any feelings that become of it (if they do arise)

But there are some great points of view Thank you for helping me understand the situation from different angles.

No.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks for the response

My T rubbed me on the upper arm and started to walk away. I asked her if I could hug her...and she did. For me , it didn't give me any false hope (well no more than I already had lol) It felt special and genuine. But I can definitely imagine that in some cases it would be a very bad idea.

What would a hug from a client do for you? It's about the client, and I feel like if the client asks for a hug, that's one thing, but why is the T asking for a hug?

ETA: Ok, now I've read through all the replies I understand the situation better. However, I still believe that it's probably not a good idea if the therapist is doing this to meet their own needs.

For my own situation, if my ex-t ever decided to ask for a hug - I'd be glad. I am a hugger - so it's possible for this to be a non-sexual thing. However, because it is a natural thing for me - just something that I do with people I care for - I didn't think to ask my ex-t and just went for a hug without even thinking. He put up his hand, said that no, he is married. And so I don't think he would ever ask me for a hug anyways, and I don't even really believe I'll ever have another chance as I don't believe I am ever going to see him again. I will say that it was painful to have a hug rejected, for sure. But I get why he did it. At least I think I do - because he was protecting himself. Anyways, if a chance ever arose to repair any of the things that have gone badly with my former t, I would gladly jump at the chance to repair them. I just don't think I'll ever get that opportunity.

Hi!
Thanks for your messages, LearningMe01 and angelicgoldfish05!

I am also such a close person and hugger by nature - yay! I think the situation for myself was just very difficult - especially because afterwards she then said she suspected my feelings were just being reinforced by simply seeing her. I was thinking to myself, "Well - why did you make it more difficult for me then at termination by hugging me? And your compliments? And the fact it WAS a termination and it was clear I could not see you again to discuss all this?"
I am looking forward to talking about all of this with her - very nervous though!!!

There are many different types of hugs two people can share. It is possible to hug in a non-sexual way. I think as long as it is brief and it isn't one of those "full body bear hugs" there shouldn't be a problem. For some clients it helps immensely with closure.

Thanks, AllyIsHopefu! That is very correct! For me - I think it did the opposite in closure and made things much more complicated! Ha ha But yes - different contexts, different situations and circumstances!