What kind of touch in therapy?

I have read a lot about touch in therapy both here and in general. What struck me as odd is that some therapists will allow, for example, a hug, but will not hold hands. I cannot comprehend it. Is holding hands considered to be more of a red flag than a hug? What about kissing on the cheeks?

My T is very strict, only gives me a handshake before long breaks. Two years ago, after a very difficult session and before the Christmas break, as we were standing by the door, he kissed me on the cheeks while he held my hand.

I'd love to ask for a hug, but hesitate. Although I think that holding his hand would maybe be more powerful for me. So my question I guess is: why some therapists allow some but not all of the above three (hug, kiss on the cheeks, holding hands)? Can you see a difference between them in terms of boundaries?

I would love to have a Therapist who hugs from time to time but have yet to find one, my outgoing Therapist did say that she will give me a hug at our final session tomorrow.

I know, I read your posts, RTerroni! Hope it goes well! I just do not understand why these different ways of touching are not on the same level in terms of boundaries..

I suspect there are lots of reasons why one T would allow one type of touch over another, or why they would or wouldn't allow touch at all.

Some of it is probably as simple as client or therapist preference. If a client is very uncomfortable with touch, or if a therapist is uncomfortable with touching clients, then it would not be appropriate to do so.

A therapist might decide that touching a particular client is not therapeutic - based either on that client's history, their diagnosis, or transference issues (or a million other things that a T might consider).

It might not be part of that particular therapist's philosophy, so it's just not something they do. No other reason than that it's not an approach they choose to take,

As for why not a kiss on the cheek vs a hug vs holding hands...I suspect a lot of that is cultural as well as the above reasons. In the US, a kiss on the cheek is not a common form of casual or comforting touch. It's generally reserved for more familial interactions, or interactions between very close friends of the opposite sex. It's not used as a greeting or a goodbye, and would be considered inappropriate in a therapy setting. Holding hands is kind of the same way - it's often considered more something that is done between family (small children with parents) or intimate partners. It's not something that is typically seen in casual interaction. Shaking hands, yes, holding them, not so much. In the US - a hug is generally more of a casual gesture that shows you care about a person. It's more accepted as something that is done between friends, close acquaintances, or even just people wanting to offer comfort to each other.

Honestly, I'd freak if my T wanted to kiss me on the cheek (would feel too "motherly" or "grandmotherly" and I'd have serious issues with that). I'd be uncomfortable if T wanted to hold my hand - would make me feel like a little kid. I'd probably be okay with the occasional hug, but I'm not generally a hugger either.

I can only hope that you find what you need and also communicate it as well.

I have to think that T's have personal boundaries as much as we do. Some may have concerns about how it will affect the relationship, themselves or you. Sometimes my T KNOWS I feel disconnected..but waits for me to try and reach out. Sounds dumb, but sometimes I just hold a finger..just one. But he always waits for me to ask...really makes me say the words. I HAVE to ask for a hug...or it will not happen, but if I do, he is always happy to give me an appropriate hug. I think that discussions have to be open and honest as to where the boundaries will be...It took me sooo long to get up the courage to ask for what I needed, did not need and wanted. It's up to him to let me know what he can tolerate or thinks is appropriate in the therapeutic relationship.

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There's probably some regional differences in what is acceptable and what isn't. Like kissing cheeks is normal among casual friends in some countries (e.g. France) but where I am it's reserved mostly for family. Same thing with holding hands: for me that's a romantic gesture unless it's with a child, whereas hugging is normal friend behavior.

So far my therapist has made no attempt to hug me but I'm not really that big on hugs or being touched in general, so I prefer it that way.

Thank you both, I am starting to understand a bit better all the parameters that need to be considered when it comes to touch.

In Europe, a hug is also more of a casual greeting than a kiss on the cheeks or holding hands. That's why it took my by surprise when my T asked to kiss me, instead of just a hug. It was definitely a father to child kiss (he is 73 and I'm 31 and of course I have my share of parental transference issues with him). Not sure if it was therapeutic per se, but it surely wasn't harmful. Nevertheless, ever since then, I secretly expect and wish for something similar to happen again.

After almost 5 years of seeing him, I still haven't done this talk with him. I am sure he has a no touch policy (except for the handshake), but he has already kissed me once, patted me on the shoulder etc. I am in a very bad place right now and keep fantasizing of sitting next to him and holding his hand (in reality I sit the furthest possible from him and rarely do any eye contact). But I know that it's hardly likely that I'll ask, and if I ask, he'll want to have the "why I need this" talk, which I cannot handle right now. Nevertheless, I think that it would be extremely helpful to let off guard and try to talk about it..

This is exactly what triggers me concerning my want to hold hands (and not just a hug): I recently broke up to my partner of 5 years and gradually the thought of wanting to hold my T's hand has become more and more intense. I know that I do not have any romantic feelings towards him, nevertheless he is male and I am female, and maybe deep inside I want him to take the "place" of my ex and show me some affection, till I am strong enough to move on? I don't know; I cannot fully understand why I need to hold his hand now of all times.

I am not keen on hugging but I really hate hand holding. I would never let a therapist hold my hands. I barely let my partner. Small children near roads is about the only place I find holding a hand to be something endurable.

Thanks, stopdog! I don't particularly enjoy holding hands as well (except with my partner), that's why it's so intriguing my sudden desire for smth like that to happen.

I think BlessedRhiannon did a great job of explaining. There are a ton of reasons.

My therapist used to shake my hand after each session, seemed to formal of an ending and I stopped doing it.

A hug at the end of each session would be nice but I know that would be way over the line for her.

I am actually quite shocked at the hand holding I've read.... and kissing on the cheek? Wow! Let me say, I am a very affectionate kinda gal. I'm a hugger, and I also kiss my close friends on the cheek, and they reciprocate. But I would never even consider kissing my T on the cheek (she "can't be" a friend, or she wouldn't be my t, right?).

We are new to each other, and hit it off well...and neither of us have a problem with hugs, but I think I would feel strange with hand holding and kisses on the cheek. We've not gotten anywhere near the "deep, dark" stuff, so if a patient gets really upset, I'm not quite sure what she would do....remain in her chair? Cone sit by the patient? I dunno. But think I'd be alittle freaked out if she took my hand or kissed me on the cheek.

MusingLizzy, the OP is from Greece, where something like that is much more common. It's unusual to us in America, but there? It happens a lot.

Yes, especially coming from my super-strict, boundaries-conscious T. It was a very paternal gesture, but still, why is it so much different than a hug? I can see how it can be considered more of a casual, between friends move, but I don't think it's more intense than a hug would be.

I don't really know what my therapist allows or not. We do hug often at the end of each session, but I don't know if he would hold hands or kiss on cheeks. I don't desire either of these gestures. To me, the hand holding is more intimate, as it is for an extended period of time. The hug is brief, transitory. Hand holding lasts a while, and would mean you have to sit closer. It would be very awkward and uncomfortable for my T and me to each have to lean forward from where we sit across from each other in order to hold hands. A pain in the back! Sitting side by side and holding hands seems too intimate for our therapy. We achieve quite a bit of closeness with no touch, and I don't think the hugs have heightened that. Maybe the therapists who don't allow any touch want their clients to learn to be close without touch.

I dont know what is ok and what is not. Another thing I need to ask about

Kissing on the cheek is pretty common, holding hands, and giving hugs. Maybe its a cultural thing. T and i have no problem with such things. It is a nice way to show affection and care. I do it all the time to the children in my school as well to show them i care.

In the US, kissing on the cheeks is not common unless you are in show business or with relatives or close friends. That's my impression. So I think doing that potentially crosses more boundaries.

Hugs are common in therapy and outside of it, so I don't think they are considered to be crossing a boundary.

Holding hands, as others have said, seems either too intimate or child-like. I'm guessing most therapists would think it crosses boundaries.

However, I'm generalizing. Every T is different. Every client is different. Boundaries depend on what feels comfortable on both sides. My T has made holding her hand an important part of my therapy so it obviously doesn't cross her boundaries.

The first one I see shook my hand the first time I met with her, and I think she tried again until I asked what was going on with all the handshaking. She stopped trying it with me.

I agree that holding hands and kissing is considered more intimate. The only people I do either with is my children and husband. Plus for me kissing can be a trigger (even on the cheek) so definitely out for me. I am not much of a hugger either but do hug T.

i would never want to hold my Ts hand or have him kiss me on the cheek. i would prob slap him.

When I first met my T, I told her that she has to be okay with hugs. Thankfully she said she is so long as there are no conditions to it...

I found out, literally today, that my Pdoc also hugs! I asked her if hugs would break her boundaries. She said so long as it's a benefit to the client, hugs are okay with her. So I got my first hug from her

I am not a kissing type person. My grandmother-in-law is Italian...I'm stuck giving and receiving kisses from her...

Hand-holding...I would love for my T to hold my hand, but I'm not confident enough to ask her for that

What is worse: asking for something and being told "no, or never asking and always wondering? I personally prefer risking feeling rejected then denying myself a possible comfort. I just try to find the most appropriate time possible to ask.

being kissed on the cheeks by T?! Holding hands?! No way, I would never allow it... I hold only my H's hand or me nephews/nieces - with this I have no problem but holding a hand of another adult person who is not my husband? I think it would be weird for me... But I do like shaking hands before and after each session, for me it's more like business meeting then

What is worse: asking for something and being told "no, or never asking and always wondering? I personally prefer risking feeling rejected then denying myself a possible comfort. I just try to find the most appropriate time possible to ask.
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I am going to ask for one tomorrow! (I hope)......