When abusive father is dying

Growing up, my father emotionally abused me and my mother and doted on my autistic brother. At 4, his brother began molesting me. Things only got worse. I went to college at 18 and intended never to go back. When my mother got cancer, I went back to care for her. I moved out the day of her funeral. I didn't speak to my father for a year, tho his next wife shamed us both into speaking again.

25 yrs later I find myself in a situation. He's 87 and has cancer. I live 1500 miles away from them and have just extricated myself from an abusive marriage.

My head says I "should" be a good sister/daughter. I don't have a husband so I should go back and help him and then bring brother back with me. My gut says no, this is an awful idea. I talk with T over and over, sometimes arguing I should stay; other times that I should go.

This week, my T came right out and said I should not go. I feel relieved and guilty. What kind of person am I that I don't want to help him and really just want him to die? Will the rest of my family shun me [he was such a loving and devoted father to Brother and horrible Sister didn't even help him in his final hours]?

I feel like the abuse never really ends. It just lurks and waits to strike again.

My husband is going through this right now. He broke away from his family some years ago, but apparently his mother is ill and his brother has taken this opportunity to harass and shame him. He is holding his boundaries and not getting involved and sucked back into that abusive family. It is hard for him. He wishes his family was different. He feels guilty, even though there is no call for guilt here at all. But to get sucked back in would destroy him.

Your family isn't going to change. Even if you do go take care of him, that won't guarantee they won't find a way to make things miserable for you anyway. Take care of yourself here.

I am going through the same thing. I've decided I am much happier without him in my life, so it will stay that way. Screw him. He had his chance at a good relationship with me and destroyed it. I'm done being the "good daughter" and am instead going to be the "independent woman".

I think you should follow your gut.

Out of curiosity, did your father ever apologize to you or try to make amends?

I think the only thing that is important ultimately is how you will feel about yourself whatever decision about your father you make. Whatever happens in the short term, regardless of your decision, doesn't matter. I do think, however, that it would be good to be an advocate for your brother. That doesn't mean taking responsibility for him, but rather doing what is possible for you to see that he will get care for his future stability.

My father and I had a difficult relationship and he died 2 years ago.

Without going into fine details, I did what I could as he was dying, but not to the neglect of my own feelings (a dutiful unabused daughter would have done more!) and the only regret that I had, was that he was not a better father to me when I was a child.

So I think there isn't any should / or should nots - just do what feels right - if that is staying 1500 miles away, if it is turning up for the funeral only, if it is just lighting a candle somewhere to sit and think, then so be it.

It is your turn now, for you to take care of you, you don't owe anyone anything else, listen to that gut for I am slowly learning that my gut is wiser than my head.

Take care - Soup

Thoughts: did they ask you to come back and help? What is your relationship like with his wife? Would you expect to care for him or just be there for support? Are there other people there to help? Where would you stay?

If you are on speaking terms with your father you may want to go back for a final goodbye giving yourself permission to book out of there if things turn ugly. If he is actively dying, you won't get another chance.

I tried to remember that I, as a woman, was raised to take care of others. I fought, my husband helping me, to serve my husband the "smaller" piece of two identical pieces of meat, having had the "the men get the larger portion" drilled into my head for at least 20 years growing up? I had a heck of a time making myself give my husband a slightly smaller steak and found that "funny" enough that I told him the problem and the two of us laughed about it, he encouraging me to give him the smaller portion, etc. How we grow up is really ingrained in us, is part of who we are!

My stepmother was abusive to me and I have three older brothers and, thank goodness, my older stepsister. But while my stepsister orchestrated my stepmother's care as she became more and more senile, as a "daughter" I was supposed to do my share and it was shaming to me to have my nieces be doing more than I, a "daughter" was. I saw how my "black sheep" brother in the area was treated and the various conflicts are what drove me back into therapy.

Two of my three brothers are across the country, one in California and one in Hawaii. The one in Hawaii has little contact with the family; he has a masters in accounting and was doing my stepmother's taxes after my father died. . . only he didn't. When our stepmother died, it turned out he hadn't done the taxes for 7+ years and we had to wait an additional six months before the inheritance got straightened out and pay accountants to "fix" the problem and bribe the IRS to look at it (they could have taken years to work on it), etc. The estate lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in the stock market in the meantime, I inherited maybe a quarter of what I would have if the legal work had not taken so long. I'm not very angry at my brother though, I understand. That is what my stepmother was like to be with!

Remember why you live where you do and do not have any contact. Yes, your father or brother might be able to use your help but any other person would do as well. It is not "you" that matters to the situation and you do not want to live your life in situations where you are not the subject?

My Grandpa raised me up like a father, very abusive situation. Grandpa died a year half ago and im still bothered with guilt, shame. I feel so bad he died because he abused me in so many ways.

All I can advise you to do is keep talking to your therapist, and PC is here. The pain im told will ease over time with lots of support. Lots of hugs