Round peg, square hole

I'm 15.7 months into the Jillian Michaels 'no pain no gain' therapy program with my devoted therapeutic guide. I've been sweating blood and tears it feels like, in the quest to parent better, then unburden myself of the circumstances that led to my PTSD, when I started having angry outbursts and other symptoms.

I've noticed lately some trouble connecting to my therapist and communicating as clearly as I'd like. Hard to say how much of it is new vs. more noticeable: as my life improves, perhaps I'm just more attuned to the underlying issues of feeling needy and awkward, and constrained by circumstances than when I had urgent issues and gave myself almost unlimited time for therapy. From 6 hours and multiple email sessions a week, I've tried, in 2014 to cut back to 2 hours and one email session. I struggle with it: last week, for example, 3.5 hours and one email session. I have a terrible time opening up when I feel rushed, so shorter sessions exacerbates the awkwardness and disconnect. I sometimes wonder if I'm just not patient enough, and once I settle into the new routine, perhaps I'll feel more comfortable again.

But the past few months I've noticed dissociation at such a mild level as to just be a constant irritant, like, not being quite present much, feeling a sense of emptiness and lack of containment. In fact, when we talked about the PTSD criterion today (were doing a little progress review) she noted the one I'd mentioned most lately and that she'd noticed was concentration issues: I'm losing, at times, my ability to finish sentences when we talk about serious or emotionally laden issues, to stay on track, and connected emotionally. I've noticed it previously too, at times, ever since we started phone sessions. I feel more pressured to speak and perhaps more aware when she's silent, that she might be judging me than during chat sessions, though I KNOW she's completely non-judgmental of me, and my fears are only that I'm dwelling too much on a sad topic or not making enough progress with parenting or other issues though she's assured me I've made amazing progress.

While phone sessions are hard, chatting online is almost worse because I'm SO craving the connection with her that's easier when I hear her voice. Sometimes I just feel like she's a 78 record and I'm on 33, just can't sync up lately. Sigh. She's so caring, available, and familiar with me, but I just can't seem to pin myself down lately, to... feel grounded enough, contained enough, eloquent enough.
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P.S. I'm trying to think of relevant factors, that might help sort me out since I'm having trouble figuring things out lately...

Working 60 hrs/wk and in school full time with a busy home life, but none of that's too new, though school is really stressful right now!

Lots of financial stress but improving a little by refinancing, cutting therapy hours, and redoing my budget.

Talking more about losses: siblings, parents, grandparents, and more: maybe putting my feeling of disconnect into overdrive, though I'm not sure that's all of it. (And not sure if my shaking right now is the cold or the topic.)

I've just talked to her about something that was a secret from everyone but my husband, we had that helpful, healing conversation last Thursday, but these past two sessions it was harder to connect.

I'm short on sleep, sigh, as usual.

I just feel like I can't find the right words to express myself so well lately, and like I'm struggling a little with negative self talk/judgment- an old issue I don't normally deal with anymore that I can recall.

Therapy's actually been going fairly well lately, I mean... more easily than before, less ruptures, less disturbing work as we've done most of the awful stuff already.

Right now we're taking a bit of time to review the PTSD symptom list and see my progress and the ones I still struggle with. That was a hard conversation today.

I also am mindful of needing to figure out what I want to do regarding my marriage, which is something I'm really divided about. Maybe I'm afraid to "go there" with her as I'm ambivalent and as things are relatively stable it seems easier to let things unfold rather than rehash. The intimate aspect is one of the issues though, and I'm probably at least partly dreading dealing with that, because it's tied to other topics too. Those conversations were painful and unproductive last time I had them.

P.P.S. I was just listening to a song she sent me and probably sending her my own favorite version of it from a favorite movie... and it occurs to me, I used those songs and my cultural references in therapy a lot more when we began... a way to bridge my internal experience through literary and other references. I haven't done that much lately... and maybe that's part of why it's harder, maybe I need to share more of what I love for her to understand me best, rather than pushing through barren words. Words are too stark at times, without context.

This is a puzzle, for me, and maybe that's one piece, but it is hard to integrate or try to explain everything atm.

((Leah))
I would work on the sleep issue first.

Oh CE!!!!

All my words, and you summed it up so succinctly, lol!

Thanks for the hugs, they help.

You are RIGHT about needing to focus on sleep. I am tired, sigh. I thought I should get 7 hours of sleep a night, ideally, (8 is a pipe dream) but my average is 6 at best, and during those six I am usually woken up a couple times in the middle. And I don't keep as regular hours as I'd like either. I want to, but am not there yet. So much to do, and so little discipline... a self-perpetuating cycle.

Thing is, I've been sleep deprived ever since I had my daughter, she's almost nine, and has had serious persistent sleep issues. They've gotten somewhat better the past year. I just need to focus on sleeping better myself, am chronically short. I've been trying to take naps... I need to do better, with school the last year it's gotten hard again.

Based on how hectic and crazy your life is at the moment, and factoring in the dissociation, I think it's to be expected that you feel the way you do. You have a million things going on, and it's really hard to focus and connect when you're so stressed. And the stress is probably feeding the dissociation, which also interferes with your ability to connect with others, especially when it's constant and when you're talking about really difficult things. It sounds like your mind is dissociating to protect you from being overwhelmed with therapy while you have so many other things going on in other areas.

Thanks. I do have a lot going on, but that's not really new: I've been in school nearly a year now, but maybe it is partly 'everything' plus the cutback... wish I had more insight though. I just want to feel more centered. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting closer to that though: I remember being in a lot more distress in March and April, and things have been settling since then. Trying to engage my senses more seems to help, and keeping music on... just wishing I felt more sure of myself, of my words, and wasn't struggling so much to stay anchored and present.

wow~ that's some intensive therapy you have going on. I only do 50 minutes every other week and she wants to go to weekly but I'm a nervous wreck. I can't help but wonder if I will become a mess when we go back to every other week.

I hope you don't start doubting your words too much but that's just me being selfish (I apologize) because your knowledge helps me.

I do hope you figure out what is troubling you and settle quickly and that's not for selfish reasons.

I think as HazelGirl says, it is to be expected you feel as you do given the life you currently lead. I know when I don't like how I feel, I ask myself, given what is going on, how else "should" I feel? When I'm sad over a negative, for example, I have to realize that someone dying is not going to produced equanimity and good feelings and that I don't want it to? Feeling centered when one's life is not would be like balancing tires on the car without aligning it? I try to use my feelings to help me feel better, even when they are odd or bad feelings. I would use your mild dissociation as an indication of my body trying to take care of me, given I am working too many hours and not sleeping well as well as working on tough issues in therapy. Our bodies have an unconscious life of their own and the more we try to "control" with our head, the more things can get out of whack. I eventually learned, through therapy, to try and leave my body/unconscious alone, let it do what it knew how to do better than I do. I don't have to tell my lungs to breathe, they do that better than I could possibly instruct. The less I mess with myself, the less I hurt and the better I sleep, etc. The not sleeping and other "symptoms" are information for me, not something to "fix".

Sleep is very important Leah, I only average 4 to maybe 6 hrs and they are interrupted , and you have a hectic schedule also the cutback on your therapy schedule , has affected you.

I now when my t is in a conference and I miss a week, I feel a disconnect .

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It IS so hard to focus, you're right, not just in therapy but throughout my day. I'm always drawn to things like this forum that I don't really have too much time for, when I should be doing homework and such, and then getting off schedule and struggling to catch up, sometimes losing more sleep as a result.

Hard to balance what I want to do with what I need to do to reach my goals and pay my bills without too much free time, and so maybe some of it is just situational... maybe a lot of it. I felt these last two sessions, like I was being swept downstream on the rapids of my life and was crying for want of an anchor to settle me, sigh.

Yes, I'm all-in where therapy's concerned, made it more of a lifestyle than a weekly appointment, haha. The more frequent sessions did make me more agitated, but helped me stay emotionally open and work through a lot of issues thoroughly and deeply, so... a worthwhile tradeoff for a while. I am paring back a bit now, that combination of financial concerns and a feeling of progress, that I can do alright now with less time, but I don't find it easy to connect and work as well with these new restrictions in mind.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it. These boards have helped me a lot too.

Gosh, Perla, that's a really sensible point, makes me sit back, take a deep breath and say... oh yeah, reality check: of course it's hard to connect and settle when I don't have TIME to connect or settle, ha, or the time I do have feels arbitrarily short. The lack of time to rest certainly makes things worse. I really have tried to stay balanced, but it requires a tight schedule and is easy to get off track for me.

I try to listen to my body cues too, but I've had so much stress lately, they mostly say things like.... eat 3 donuts, or spend $100 I don't have on more therapy or just have more caffiene, ha.

I'm trying to be wiser about my choices, it's a work in progress.

And then there's just the issue of difficult topics in therapy, like you've said. My T isn't great at letting things flow so naturally now that we're aiming for one hour sessions instead of two, so.... it's a bit harder to get settled and feel comfortable, and I've had this huge sense of childish longing for a while that I'm trying to get my head around, so it's hard to sort it all out. She says maybe separation anxiety from cutting back, and I do feel... at loose ends some times.

Thanks Sweepy, yeah, I didn't get to bed til almost 2am last night, then my kiddo woke me at 2:15, then I was up again a little before 7 and dozed from 7:30-8:30, so, it's just a bit of a mess. I'm REALLY wanting to focus on this... have to try harder to get on a good sleep schedule, knowing once I do, other things will get at least a little easier, like focus, discipline, self-care, keeping my patience, etc.