Emotional Session after Disclosure.

Asiablue · Jun 19, 2014, 06:11 AM

Just had my session after last weeks disclosure via phone-call about some abuse that took place in my childhood.

I felt really exposed and humiliated. Like she was seeing me for the first time, like she could see the dirt on my soul and on my body. I couldn't even speak or look at her for the shame of it. But I cried tons, like proper sobs of despair. She came and sat next to me and rubbed my back and talked gently to me. She said it sounded like my heart was breaking. And it felt like it was too. I just felt totally defeated by life. Before I left she gave me a long hug and I noticed she looked very teary eyed but I didn't say anything because I didn't know if she'd want me to have noticed.

She's really the first person I've allowed to comfort me like that. I've never allowed myself to let someone touch me when I'm upset and I've never been able to tolerate long hugs. And somehow, that touch that I'm allowing is really healing, it helps put me back together for a little while.

When I was growing up, for as long as I can remember I always wanted hugs, to cuddle into a safe adult but I never gave myself that, because I felt coming from me it would be perceived as sexual even tho it wasn't. Like it was something dirty and perverted. At that age I didn't know those words and wouldn't have thought in those terms but just that touch for me or from me was something wrong and dirty. So I never got the nurturing I wanted/needed.

I suppose it's a testament to how far I've come and how strong my relationship is with this T that I allow her to touch me.

Anyway, just thought I'd share.

iheartjacques · Jun 19, 2014, 06:15 AM

I hope you'll accept a cyber-hug from me. Well done.

Asiablue · Jun 19, 2014, 06:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

I hope you'll accept a cyber-hug from me. Well done.

Yes I will except all hugs lol thank you

Jun 19, 2014, 07:24 AM

Asia, I got choked up just reading this. You are amazing and brave, and I am so happy you are experiencing this connection and ability to accept care from someone.

HazelGirl · Jun 19, 2014, 07:35 AM

This is so touching, and it does show how strong your relationship with your T is.

Virginia1991 · Jun 19, 2014, 07:55 AM

I can resonate so much with everything you wrote. I am glad your t reacted so compassionately. I feel the same exact way about touch. Good for you for being so vulnerable in session. There is nothing better than actually feeling the healing take place.

Asiablue · Jun 19, 2014, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

This is so touching, and it does show how strong your relationship with your T is.

It seems like the relationship is developing but it can be very up and down and I panic about it a lot. But I have a general sense of steadfastness from her, that she can take all my emotions, the downs generally come from boundary stuff and when she changes things in my therapy. But she seems to take everything in her stride.

HazelGirl · Jun 19, 2014, 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Asiablue

It seems like the relationship is developing but it can be very up and down and I panic about it a lot. But I have a general sense of steadfastness from her, that she can take all my emotions, the downs generally come from boundary stuff and when she changes things in my therapy. But she seems to take everything in her stride.

I think that's normal in a relationship, and part of trust is learning she will be there and continue to be steady when the relationship has those downs.

Asiablue · Jun 19, 2014, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Virginia1991

I can resonate so much with everything you wrote. I am glad your t reacted so compassionately. I feel the same exact way about touch. Good for you for being so vulnerable in session. There is nothing better than actually feeling the healing take place.

Thank you. I felt so vulnerable about going and everything in me wanted to cancel the session. The sole reason I went regardless, was because I felt so physically ill from it all that maybe by turning up and clearing out all those feelings might take away the nausea.

It did help, I slept amazingly well and feel so much better today. I know that touch is a contentious issue for therapists and I can see why but honestly, I don't think enough value is placed on healing touch. It conveys so much about acceptance and empathy and safety.

Asiablue · Jun 19, 2014, 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I think that's normal in a relationship, and part of trust is learning she will be there and continue to be steady when the relationship has those downs.

Yes, trusting that it's not all going to turn to dust unexpectedly is the hardest part.

peaches100 · Jun 19, 2014, 08:29 AM

Asiablue,

I also am feeling moved by your experience yesterday in therapy. You showed a great deal of bravery and trust. Reading your words, I could imagine the relief you felt in getting it out in the open, letting that pain out, and receiving comforting touch from your t. I'm so happy for you, that you've developed that level of trust that allows you to do that.

Asiablue · Jun 19, 2014, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peaches100

Asiablue,

I also am feeling moved by your experience yesterday in therapy. You showed a great deal of bravery and trust. Reading your words, I could imagine the relief you felt in getting it out in the open, letting that pain out, and receiving comforting touch from your t. I'm so happy for you, that you've developed that level of trust that allows you to do that.

Thank you so much. I didn't feel like I was brave, I felt like a wreck lol

tinyrabbit · Jun 19, 2014, 12:28 PM

I'm so happy to read how your session went. Thank you for sharing. And you are brave, even if you don't feel it.

Asiablue · Jun 19, 2014, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I'm so happy to read how your session went. Thank you for sharing. And you are brave, even if you don't feel it.

ty TR that's nice to hear.

sweepy62 · Jun 19, 2014, 05:42 PM

Very touching, I can so relate to feeling shame, everytime that subject comes up a bit I regress and I feel like im this little kid all dirty and grimy in front of my t.

Aloneandafraid · Jun 19, 2014, 05:57 PM

Well done Asia. Your session brought a tear to my eyes too. Thank you for sharing and many hugs to you. Your T sounds fab.

likelife · Jun 19, 2014, 06:28 PM

What a touching session. Thanks so much for sharing.

Asiablue · Jun 20, 2014, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Very touching, I can so relate to feeling shame, everytime that subject comes up a bit I regress and I feel like im this little kid all dirty and grimy in front of my t.

I told mine I felt like the top layer of my skin had been ripped off. Just so vulnerable and unsure of how she viewed me now she knows some really personal things. She told me she didn't find me disgusting or vile or any of those things, but it's hard to believe it sometimes.

Asiablue · Jun 20, 2014, 07:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Well done Asia. Your session brought a tear to my eyes too. Thank you for sharing and many hugs to you. Your T sounds fab.

She is pretty fabulous. She also drives me nuts lol but she's more fab than annoying, so I'll keep her.

Jun 21, 2014, 12:16 PM

I am so glad you are taking this journey, and am proud to cheer you on. You've come along way, Asiablue. You've got a wonderful therapist to help you along. You clearly are one of the lucky ones.

Asiablue · Jun 22, 2014, 08:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

I am so glad you are taking this journey, and am proud to cheer you on. You've come along way, Asiablue. You've got a wonderful therapist to help you along. You clearly are one of the lucky ones.

This made me smile, thank you. I just hope she stays wonderful while being tested to the limit

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