[silverleaf]

Hi everyone,

Not been on here for a while, things have been going quite well and I've felt like I was making progress and starting to feel a bit better about myself. However the last two weeks have been horrible. I've been trying to address my eating disorder for the first time with the support of my T but it's going disastrously so far and things are very erratic on that front which makes me feel like I'm failing.

We've put trauma stuff on hold for now because it was getting too overwhelming and I needed to get a bit more stability and coping strategies in place, which is fine but I still don't feel any more further forward in feeling 'ready' to face this stuff more closely. It's too scary and fills me with panic but I know if I want to move forward and eventually develop a relationship with someone I need to come to terms with what happened.

Added to that in the last week one of our animals was put to sleep which was really sad. And I've started to realise exactly how co-dependent I am and how much I lack assertiveness, particularly when it comes to family.

I just feel like I'm heading back in the wrong direction and I don't really know what to do to get back on the right track. My T is really supportive and is definitely helping.

Sorry this is just a rant really, I just needed to let it out a bit

[Raging Quiet]

Thank you for sharing

Hang on in there Silver.

[RTerroni]

Hopefully things will get better for you soon

[Wysteria]

Hey Silverleaf,

I'm sorry you are doubting yourself and hurting..

I think I understand what you are feeling, and sometimes it seems like a balancing game of priorities in therapy. You want to work on trauma to get at some of the core issues of pain, but you don't cope with the triggering that happens when you do trauma work. So T steps back and goes to coping and self-soothing techniques which includes ED and many other things...you kind of have to go 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

Try not to "should" yourself too much. It's going to happen at the pace that T and your psyche handle well and we just have to be patient. That is very hard when you're hurting. The only thing you can do is just not give up. Keep going and keep being honest and it happens over time. Certainly all of our traumas and coping mechanism didn't develop over a short period of time, and neither will the work we do with T. It sounds like you T is doing a good job of balancing the need to do with trauma and the need to control unhealthy coping skills while adding healthier ones. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself just open to the process as much as you can...

We are behind you 100% and there's not one of us that probably hasn't been in the same place more than once. It is hard and its hurts and we hear you. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing...

Gentle hugs,
Wysteria Blue

[silverleaf]

Thanks so much for your replies. Thank you Wysteria what you said makes a lot of sense - this is just the hardest thing I've ever tried to do and it seems insurmountable at times.

I'm super pleased with myself at the moment though because today for the very first time I successfully stopped myself from binging. I am so happy about this! The period of time when the cravings and anxiety hit was so so hard but I'm hoping it will get easier with time. Just taking things an hour at a time

[Perna]

Sounds like you have a lot going on right now. I think it is "normal" to feel overwhelmed and unpleasant with what you have happening. And, when we are stressed, it is harder to respond well to additional stresses but that does not mean one is failing, that just means there are a lot/too many stresses going on right now! Too, being sad/depressed/anxious can bring up more sad/depressed/anxious thoughts. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get somewhere less stressful. I wanted to cry myself to death and told my T that and she explained it is physically impossible; one can cry for a long time but not forever/to death. Eventually our body takes over and rests us. When you "slow down" and don't seem to be making much progress, thank your body for caring for you, for slowing you down and relax in it for a bit. The struggle can be picked up again, when you are more rested, it isn't going anywhere

[silverleaf]

Thanks so much for your replies. Yeah what you say makes sense Perna, I think I have to be a little bit kinder to myself maybe.

I've asked for an extra T session (which I'm now worrying about in case I'm being 'too much' or that I'm crossing some sort of boundary with my T.. but I feel like I need it and I feel like it's part of 'being kind to myself' to ask for extra help if I need it..)