[GenCat]

One of the biggest issues im struggling with with my T is this...

Since T put me in hospital last year, I do not tell her about my deep thoughts of suicide, taking pills, cutting or anything. Simply for the fact I feel I need to protect myself from her. I do not feel them near as often as I did, but when I do I tell no body, esp. T.

I told T this, and her response was, "GOOD!"

I strongly think a client needs to feel safe in telling their T about their deep feelings that frighten them and make them afraid of their own safety from thyself. But My T does not see it this way, or has not told me so. I told her it feels like manipulation. Why would you beat a child who asks for food because he is hungry? When that child learns to not ask for food, but instead die from starvation from not voicing himself.

This makes me devastated.

[Bill3]

I told T this, and her response was, "GOOD!"

What do you suppose is the thought process behind this remark?

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you suppose is the thought process behind this remark?

I think she really fears about clients dying. Her sister committed suicide and I think that relates to her on some deep emotional level. And I believe she does not see the damage she has caused me.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by GenCat

I think she really fears about clients dying. Her sister committed suicide and I think that relates to her on some deep emotional level. And I believe she does not see the damage she has caused me.

I think you have more insight into her issues than she has. She has a looooong way to go.

[Wysteria]

wow, Gencat...
this is not a great situation for you, and I guess not for her either. I have to have someone I can be completely honest with and can help me to guage where I am, and whether I might need more intensive support like inpatient. The fact that your T has made this "off limits" in terms of something that you can bring up does not leave you with what you need.

I don't know if your pdoc can act in that capacity or if you need to think about seeing another T or have a dbt or secondary T that can support you and give you tools to use when you get to that point...

I think you need to reconsider who is actually going to serve your needs, not their own.
Please stay safe and work on some safety plan until you get the support you deserve and need..

Gentle hugs,
WB

Find another therapist. The fact you know her sister died is way off.

[GenCat]

I just want to cry I know so much about her

[HazelGirl]

GenCat, everything you have said about your T leads me to the conclusion that she is an absolutely terrible T for you. Please, please, PLEASE find another one.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by GenCat

I told her it feels like manipulation. Why would you beat a child who asks for food because he is hungry? When that child learns to not ask for food, but instead die from starvation from not voicing himself.

This makes me devastated.

Did you ask your T why she thought it was good?

I don't see how your analogy to beating a child for being hungry is the same thing.

It seems like you are putting great importance on your interpretation of your T's response, without considering the possibility that investing thoughts of harm with the kind of energy that comes from focusing on them is actually a negative rather than positive thing.

I have found it really useful when my T encourages me to think of thoughts as "just thoughts." To not be afraid of them, to not give them huge significance, to accept that human beings have the kind of "monkey mind" that makes all kinds of thoughts rolling through the head as normal and expected. For me, being able to just let those thoughts go because I am comfortable with them is one of the most useful skills I have developed. And if you've ever tried meditation, you learn that being able to let thoughts go without ruminating or dwelling on them or getting freaked out by them is a really good thing.

I would question whether it's really necessary to dig into thoughts of self harm, explore where they come from (although who knows, probably). There is definitely a school of thought among T's that focusing on self harming thoughts (plan and action are in a different category) encourages more self harm in the short or long run.

So I would also question whether it's terribly tragic for a client to "keep" thoughts of this nature to themselves rather than make them a subject of therapy. It sounds like distorted thinking to me.

But it also doesn't sound like you've really talked about *this* topic with your T. As in, you don't seem to understand why she'd say "good", so maybe you should ask her about it, and be open to interpreting what's going on in a less destructive way.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

Did you ask your T why she thought it was good?

I don't see how your analogy to beating a child for being hungry is the same thing.

It seems like you are putting great importance on your interpretation of your T's response, without considering the possibility that investing thoughts of harm with the kind of energy that comes from focusing on them is actually a negative rather than positive thing.

I have found it really useful when my T encourages me to think of thoughts as "just thoughts." To not be afraid of them, to not give them huge significance, to accept that human beings have the kind of "monkey mind" that makes all kinds of thoughts rolling through the head as normal and expected. For me, being able to just let those thoughts go because I am comfortable with them is one of the most useful skills I have developed. And if you've ever tried meditation, you learn that being able to let thoughts go without ruminating or dwelling on them or getting freaked out by them is a really good thing.

I would question whether it's really necessary to dig into thoughts of self harm, explore where they come from (although who knows, probably). There is definitely a school of thought among T's that focusing on self harming thoughts (plan and action are in a different category) encourages more self harm in the short or long run.

So I would also question whether it's terribly tragic for a client to "keep" thoughts of this nature to themselves rather than make them a subject of therapy. It sounds like distorted thinking to me.

But it also doesn't sound like you've really talked about *this* topic with your T. As in, you don't seem to understand why she'd say "good", so maybe you should ask her about it, and be open to interpreting what's going on in a less destructive way.

Thank you for this. I intend to bring her answer up again and ask her why? I did when she said it, but didn't really give me a clear cut answer. Just that its my safety she cares about.

The reason this issue bothers me so much, is that, I know what not talking about those thoughts can do...make you eventually do them. In my case, suicide 3 times, self harm that lead to dissociating and not feeling pain only to make the cuts bigger and deeper. For me, I cant NOT talk about these things. I kept it secret for years and know what its like to be in a situation where one feels like they cant voice themselves. And that makes me fear for my safety.

Its ultimately the fact that I do not feel safe if I cant talk about these things with her.

[tinyrabbit]

The analogy made sense to me.

It worries me that you know this is a trigger issue for your T. You should be able to tell her.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

The analogy made sense to me.

It worries me that you know this is a trigger issue for your T. You should be able to tell her.

T will say I haven't triggered her in any way. She has this way of seeming like everything is in its place.

Im not sure whos checking who? Me checking T, or T checking me? Or T checking herself or me checking myself?