[dark_sweetie]

So I know that a lot of people struggle with eye contact in sessions... but what about the opposite?

Personally I have never had a problem with eye contact and T also makes very good eye contact... and sometimes I'll be talking and kind of lose my train of thought, and just give up.

That, or i'll say something kind of difficult and emotional...

And then T doesn't say anything. For a while we just sit there and stare into each other's eyes.

And i can see why it is too much for people... I mean, it is really intense and definitely my most vulnerable moments. It's also painful because. I mean, I often feel like I love T. And that is almost an intimate experience.

But I don't know why T does that. We never talked about it, it just happens occasionally. i swear it has gone up to 20 or 30 seconds of just sitting there, locked in that gaze... searching or something like that.

Anyone else? What does it mean?

[sweepy62]

Thats great , and intimate, as for me going 20 or 30 seconds I would die lol, I have a problems holding a 3 second eye contact in general, led alone with my t, maybe just maybe I can go 4, but half a minute, maybe if I dissociate, then call the er lol.

[dark_sweetie]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Thats great , and intimate, as for me going 20 or 30 seconds I would die lol, I have a problems holding a 3 second eye contact in general, led alone with my t, maybe just maybe I can go 4, but half a minute, maybe if I dissociate, then call the er lol.

Hah, yeah, it can make my heart race. D: it feels more deep than all the words we have ever said somehow. I don't dissociate too much in session though lol thank god.

The only time i just could not handle it was when we were trying to build our connection as a resource for me, and she said to think about her, and I could close my eyes or look at her. And I made the mistake of not closing my eyes, and realizing she was looking at me, and then we were staring at each other with the whole point being for me to think of her... and I was like... ahhhh ;--; I panicked. Too many feelings... I had to stop and say sorry and close my eyes instead, but, now bc I miss her I wish I hadn't, lol. But, I'm really impressed that she can do that and not feel hella awkward like I would.

I tend to cycle.

Like, I'll feel I'm not making enough eye contact so I look and then I start thinking I'm making too much so I look away and then... You get the picture lol

[RTerroni]

It can vary for me during sessions, but outside of session I have lots of difficulty maintaining eye contract.

[stopdog]

I only look at her when angry with her, and then eye contact is to convey my level of anger and that I will not submit. Otherwise I don't look at the woman. In real life, I make regular eye contact with people.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I only look at her when angry with her, and then eye contact is to convey my level of anger and that I will not submit. Otherwise I don't look at the woman. In real life, I make regular eye contact with people.

I'm the same as stopdog. I look at T when I really want to emphasize a point. I do look/not look based on the discussion, so that varies, but I make regular eye contact outside of sessions. It's easier to make eye contact when I'm in that "public persona" state vs being vulnerable in an intimate setting.

[dark_sweetie]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I only look at her when angry with her, and then eye contact is to convey my level of anger and that I will not submit. Otherwise I don't look at the woman. In real life, I make regular eye contact with people.

Just out of preference, or is it more intimidating with T? Do you feel that she is actually trying to make you submit?

I guess it feels natural to me, even when i had a very intimidating T, bc people say about the therapy relationship being unbalanced but it's probably the one where I feel the most control in. In the real world I feel so out of control because people can just leave me or cut me off or get bored of me, and i am supposed to chase them, but I can't, I just let them go.

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

I'm the same as stopdog. I look at T when I really want to emphasize a point. I do look/not look based on the discussion, so that varies, but I make regular eye contact outside of sessions. It's easier to make eye contact when I'm in that "public persona" state vs being vulnerable in an intimate setting.

Oh okay, that makes sense!

Hrm, I guess i don't totally drop my persona even with T. Mebbeh being read visually is the only way I can do that.

[stopdog]

I have no need to look at the woman most of the time - so I would say preference. I am not intimidated by her. I do think therapists want clients to submit so when she tries - I let her know I won't. She is just a tool for my use - not someone who gets to try to give me advice or tell me what to do etc.

[dark_sweetie]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have no need to look at the woman most of the time - so I would say preference. I am not intimidated by her. I do think therapists want clients to submit so when she tries - I let her know I won't. She is just a tool for my use - not someone who gets to try to give me advice or tell me what to do etc.

Oh okay. Huh. That is so interesting. I never thought about being made to submit/not to. Maybe I'm just too easy nd submit right away or smth. lol

Originally Posted by dark_sweetie

So I know that a lot of people struggle with eye contact in sessions... but what about the opposite?

Personally I have never had a problem with eye contact and T also makes very good eye contact... and sometimes I'll be talking and kind of lose my train of thought, and just give up.

That, or i'll say something kind of difficult and emotional...

And then T doesn't say anything. For a while we just sit there and stare into each other's eyes.

And i can see why it is too much for people... I mean, it is really intense and definitely my most vulnerable moments. It's also painful because. I mean, I often feel like I love T. And that is almost an intimate experience.

But I don't know why T does that. We never talked about it, it just happens occasionally. i swear it has gone up to 20 or 30 seconds of just sitting there, locked in that gaze... searching or something like that.

Anyone else? What does it mean?

it is intense, and does feel very intimate, and forced me to kind of re-write my personal definition of the word "intimate" that's for sure! to me, it was something about our connection... I haven't had that experience with my t for about a year and a half now, since she moved a few states away and we now do only phone sessions. I miss it. A lot, sometimes. Although I do feel very connected to her on the phone, in fact the last time we talked we both mentioned how connected we felt.

[Littlemeinside]

If you Google: Eye contact, you will know why.... I can´t make a link

Eye contact ( prolonged) can change the chemistry of the brain. Making us trust, fall in love, produce the bonding hormone Oxytocin, make us feel happy ect. ect. If it´s not given with the intent to dominate. Some T´s use it to give that " maternal loving gaze"

It´s very difficult to look a person in the eyes for a long time and pay attention to what they are saying, at the same. ( According to some article I´ve read) so your experience is normal.

Therefor eye contact like the one your describing can be a great therapeutic tool. Not saying thats your T´s intention you could just have " that connection" between the two of you.

Enjoy!

[Petra5ed]

When I started therapy I couldn't hold eye contact, but after a year or so I got caught in an intense gaze with my T, like you describe one that went on in silence for half a minute or so before I broke it. Since then I crave the eye contact a little each session, but still I'm always the first to look away... sucks.

It's palpable, like I can physically feel the intimacy. My favorite thing about it is I can feel my T's emotions when he's looking into my eyes. Do you feel like this too? The first time it happened it was intoxicating, because I knew he cared about me, just based on one gaze, and it was hot too.

[JustShakey]

Well, that explains T's rather intense staring thing... I find it a little unnerving actually. I have to steel myself to meet his gaze, and if he keeps it up too long I end up looking at his nose. It feels like a test of integrity or something to me. Like a challenge.
I can do eye contact just fine IRL. I suppose I just don't let anyone get close enough for it to become 'intimate'. :-/

[HazelGirl]

Just reading about your 20-30 seconds of eye contact made my anxiety spike. No way! I couldn't handle that!

[harvest moon]

ΟΚ if I tried really really hard, I could maybe maintain 4 whole seconds of eye contact! After 4.5 years of therapy. One second for each year. So in 30 years, yes, I'll reach you!!!

Eye contact is a sign of aggression. T and you are trying to assert your dominance over each other.

[likelife]

I think I make mostly "normal," conversational eye contact with T, but when I feel ashamed, I can't meet her eyes at all.

I imagine it would be really intense to have that kind of prolonged eye contact. Not to make light of the situation, but it reminded me of a favorite Steve Martin line in Baby Mama, when he tells Tina Fey that he's going to reward her with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact

[Flyawayblue]

My D can go weekly staring at her T doing nothing. Granted she's a teenager, but for me it feels uncomfortable to just stare.

[Freewilled]

I had a really intense staring situation with my T recently. I can't decide if I was trying to assert myself, needing comfort, trying to show my rage or what....He met my eye contact. Gosh - it must've been for 20 or 30 seconds before I looked away, but felt much longer. I feel kind of badly about it because I was filled with rage when I did it. Like I wanted him to see that I'm serious. Maybe I expected him to minimize the past **** I had just shared with him. But he didn't. And that pissed me off for some reason, too. I just don't know what to do with these feelings! It's exhausting....

[Bells129]

I'm so glad I'm not alone. My T will finish saying something, then stare at me for like 15 seconds in silence and I get really shifty and uncomfortable. I don't understand why she does it though? Does anyone know if this is a method of some kind?

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by Bells129

I'm so glad I'm not alone. My T will finish saying something, then stare at me for like 15 seconds in silence and I get really shifty and uncomfortable. I don't understand why she does it though? Does anyone know if this is a method of some kind?

Most likely she is gauging your reaction. She might be using nonverbal cues if you don't respond otherwise. Do you often find you have nothing to say after she says something to you?

[stopdog]

It can be for intimidation or force.

[Bells129]

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

Most likely she is gauging your reaction. She might be using nonverbal cues if you don't respond otherwise. Do you often find you have nothing to say after she says something to you?

Yes that would make sense, I rarely speak unless she actually asks me a question.

Originally Posted by dark_sweetie

So I know that a lot of people struggle with eye contact in sessions... but what about the opposite?

Personally I have never had a problem with eye contact and T also makes very good eye contact... and sometimes I'll be talking and kind of lose my train of thought, and just give up.

That, or i'll say something kind of difficult and emotional...

And then T doesn't say anything. For a while we just sit there and stare into each other's eyes.

And i can see why it is too much for people... I mean, it is really intense and definitely my most vulnerable moments. It's also painful because. I mean, I often feel like I love T. And that is almost an intimate experience.

But I don't know why T does that. We never talked about it, it just happens occasionally. i swear it has gone up to 20 or 30 seconds of just sitting there, locked in that gaze... searching or something like that.

Anyone else? What does it mean?

Eye contact, especially long gazes, is very intimate...

I love looking into my therapist's eyes. Same with former T, who has emotive and deep, loving 'empathy eyes'. I can only look for a few seconds because as you said, it's so intense. I look forward to them and can fully appreciate the silent stares.

I think certain clients should work on doing that as much as possible. Especially if your parents looked at you with disdain, hate, anger, fear...that's how you internalize shame and low self-worth.

In terms of therapeutic meaning-the attachment relationship encourages child-like feelings, so it's a chance to internalize loving gazes instead of how not good enough caregivers looked at you. When you're really little, you don't have the cognitive ability to understand yourself, so your sense of self develops from your early relationships. You internalize how others treat you/relate to you, which is really what's reflected back at you.

Mary Ayers once said that shame develops from the lack of mirroring in the mother's eye contact with her infant during the first six months of life.

MOTHER-INFANT ATTACHMENT AND PSYCHOANALYSIS: THE EYES OF SHAME

These people describe it better than I can:

Fonagy speaks about the hallmark of secure attachment being the ability to reflect on one's internal emotional experience, and make sense of it, and at the same time reflect on the mind of another. One can immediately see how these capacities are imbued in the infant through sensitive attunement of the caregiver. When a caregiver reads the verbal and non-verbal cues of the child and reflects them back, the child sees him or herself through the eyes of the attachment figure. It is through this attunement and contingent communication process that the seeds of the developing self are planted and realized. Insecurely attached individuals lack this reflective function either because their emotional responses are so repressed as in the case of the dismissing attachment status or exacerbated as in the case of the preoccupied attachment status that they are unable to either identify their own internal experience or reflect on that of the other. When either one of these extremes are the method of regulating the attachment behavioral system, the capacity for reflection (on oneself and others) is compromised.

Attachment Theory and Psychotherapy