Don't want to tell T...

Like HG said, your T won't be mad at you. It is important, however, to find out why you didn't/don't use your coping skills and in what situations it is more likely to happen.

I didn't use them because they would have worked... If I say that to T I will get so many question about why I didn't want them to work, and she'll keep telling me I have to be comitted to get better. Gosh I already dread my next session and it's not until next week!

I have said this very thing to my T many times. I allow myself to fall apart rather than taking my medication or using coping mechanisms or other things, often because I feel like I don't deserve them. I don't deserve to feel better and I should feel the crappy way I do. That's what I deserve.

Actually I've always had problems eating when my mother wouldn't cook for me. For example when I was studying abroad, or when she's away for a few days. I've discussed that at length and realized I don't think I deserve any food, and that's it's a waste... but if my mother gives it to me, then it's ok to eat. And then I will eat as much as possible, because you never know what could happen and when I would next be allowed to eat. (My mother never deprived me of food, just screwed up thinking on my part)

But lately I've been aware that a lot of the things she does is out of guilt for the abuse I've been through. So if she feeds me out of guilt, that's kind of the same as me not deserving any food... but I can't not eat in front of her, so all that's left is purging after I've eaten...

I really understand the guilt thing. My mother made me feel guilty for being her daughter and so whenever she gives me something, I feel really guilty because I know she feels like she "has to".

You do deserve to eat all food, regardless of what anyone else tells you.

T can't stop you- you can tell her and still keep on doing whatever you want to. T can, however, help you to realize whether you really do want to go down this path... Telling helps, it really does.

I had an ED, was MA, now I'm normal weight eating OK(ish), food is still one of my coping mechanisms (and not the worst I must admit). I strongly disagree with the permanent damage on your metabolism claim- it was one of my reasons why I felt I couldn't eat like others do- after years and years of restricting I felt (and heard often enough) I destroyed my met forever and therefore must restrict till I die- It turned out that no, I didn't and I can eat normally- it takes a time but given the chance your body will get there (with proper nutrition, exercise and stress reduction). Healing from ED IS possible.

As someone who also had an eating 'distress' (but really an ED for 12 years) I would try to speak to your t, before you do the damage I have done to myself.

My t didn't get 'it' as it isn't her specially, so I sent her a book in the post about it, which was the best thing I could ever do. She read out chapters with me and got a greater understanding which really helped.

Please don't give up on yourself. Perhaps you need to think about what has triggered it recently to.

I've been thinking all day about what triggered this and I think it's my decision to go to a woman's shelter. I feel so guilty for doing it as it will shatter what I have left of my family... but I can't go on surviving like this!
So I guess I'm punishing myself in some way so I feel a little less guilty... but if this is true it will only become worse until my appointments next week. On wednesday I'll meet the psychologist from the shelter at 9am, and at 2pm I have a session with my T.

Until then I'm considering journaling my food intake with some worksheets T gave me a while ago when she wanted to get an idea of my eating habts. Might be a first step in the right direction...

I think this is a very important insight. And yes, I think it's a good idea to write down what you're eating to be able to talk to your T.

I've started the food journal.... and realized this is getting out of hand already. I've never purged 3 days in a row before, I've never counted calories this much before... I hope T will be able to help when I see her next week.