[NakamuraRie]

Hi everyone,
I'm having a rough time, and I really feel like I need to see a therapist, but I'm scared to talk to my mom about it, she's been through a lot (my older sister had major depression) and I don't want to be another disappointment.. I really need to talk to someone but I don't want my mom to know.. What should I do? I know of a place close to my school.. But I'm not so sure, and I'm kind of scared >.< Please help..

[HazelGirl]

Depression is an illness. You're not a "disappointment" if you are depressed, and if she's a good mother and loves you, she would want to know. It's like having a physical illness. Would you feel like a disappointment if you came down with the flu? Of course not.

Do you have other people to talk to? Someone at school? A family member or a friend?

Are you more worried about 'being a disappointment' to your mother or the fact that she wouldn't understand or let you see a therapist?

Probably because of what happened with your sister, she'll see the importance of getting help. Don't you think?

[tealBumblebee]

How old are you? Would you be able to pay for sessions without your mother/father's funding it?

Do you think you could talk to your school counselor for some resources or a way to tell your parents you need help? The fact that you recognize you are struggling is a big deal! I know that feeling of not wanting to let them in but if you could muster up the courage to ask for some support I think it would be (I hope it would be) well worth it!

[NakamuraRie]

the thing is, I have tried to bring it up, and she told me its stress and that it happens to everyone once in a while.. She's bought me calming pills, they helped a bit but its not what I need... My mom is a great mom, but she's been through so much that I don't want to put more strain on her.. But I really think I'm about to break and I need it.. I just don't have the strength for the fuss of it all and the courage to ask for help..

[NakamuraRie]

I'm 17, grade 11, there is a counselor at my school, but she's pretty scary, well to me anyway, and its not like a think that just developed a week ago, I've felt down like this since 14..

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by NakamuraRie

the thing is, I have tried to bring it up, and she told me its stress and that it happens to everyone once in a while.. She's bought me calming pills, they helped a bit but its not what I need... My mom is a great mom, but she's been through so much that I don't want to put more strain on her.. But I really think I'm about to break and I need it.. I just don't have the strength for the fuss of it all and the courage to ask for help..

So she doesn't take you seriously. Would she if you sat her down and told her it was really bad and you needed help, even if it was stressful to her? If not, can you talk to someone at your school and tell them how bad it is, but how she won't help you?

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by NakamuraRie

the thing is, I have tried to bring it up, and she told me its stress and that it happens to everyone once in a while.. She's bought me calming pills, they helped a bit but its not what I need... My mom is a great mom, but she's been through so much that I don't want to put more strain on her.. But I really think I'm about to break and I need it.. I just don't have the strength for the fuss of it all and the courage to ask for help..

I don't think there are many routes you can go without your mother finding out (as a minor). I would not suggest church because that hasn't proven effective to me. Maybe you could ask your school counselor for a peer support group? I think the bigger question is - would waiting until you break prove to be more or less stressful than pushing the issue ahead of time?

[tealBumblebee]

Also, I don't know the rules for South Africa but if you're of consenting age you should be able to see a counselor without a parents permission. Perhaps you could call the place you are interested in to ask for more specifics on price/age/confidentiality rules?

[growlithing]

If your mom is a great mom, she'll be understanding if you tell her you think you need help and will take you somewhere to get it. She won't be disappointed in you. It would be more stressful on her for you to "break" as you said.

You do have the courage to ask for help. You just did. Maybe not to your mom just yet, but you have to start somewhere.

[HazelGirl]

I want to add really quickly that depression can be genetic. It sounds like maybe your mother has dealt with it a lot, and so her perspective is that you can deal with it. But maybe it's worse for you than for her. I am sorry.

[NakamuraRie]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

I don't think there are many routes you can go without your mother finding out (as a minor). I would not suggest church because that hasn't proven effective to me. Maybe you could ask your school counselor for a peer support group? I think the bigger question is - would waiting until you break prove to be more or less stressful than pushing the issue ahead of time?

You're right, I should try to have the situation dealt with before that point. I suppose I can try to talk to the counselor at my school (its school holidays so I will have to wait until next week) she's actually the woman that helped my older sister... I think I'm just worried she will judge me based on what she knows about my sister... Counselors don't do that do they?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by NakamuraRie

You're right, I should try to have the situation dealt with before that point. I suppose I can try to talk to the counselor at my school (its school holidays so I will have to wait until next week) she's actually the woman that helped my older sister... I think I'm just worried she will judge me based on what she knows about my sister... Counselors don't do that do they?

I can't say they don't. But they definitely shouldn't. Some aren't great, just like with every profession, but most are good at their jobs and won't judge you based on someone else.

I would suggest you try to talk to your mom again. You said that she's great, but you worry about causing her any more trouble.
I really hope you can explain to her that you need more help and that you don't expect her to solve this. I hope she'll realize that by contacting a therapist, she will kinda get some help in dealing with this too, you know... Knowing that there is professional help to support you.

[NakamuraRie]

I hope so.. I have just gotten to the point where I know I have to.. I'm just kind of scared.
Which has lead to some other issues, like I think I might soon develop an eating disorder >.<

[NakamuraRie]

Oh and I think consenting age is 18. I only turn 18 next March

You don't have any obligation or duty to tell your mother if you don't think that it will help you to do so. I suggest that you try the counsellor at your school, next week. As HazelGirl says, a counsellor should not judge you based on what they know about other people, and most will not - although some are not as good at their jobs as others. But if nothing else, she will be able to tell you what possibilities there are for you to find help.
Keep us posted?

[NakamuraRie]

Thank you all so much, you've really helped. I will try to keep you posted on what happens. And I hope this courage I feel now will last until school starts again. I will talk to the counselor and then try to talk to my mom (: let's see what happens.

[ThisWayOut]

One thing that helped me keep my courage through a break was op call the counselors office at school and leave a message. I said that I knew we were on break, but I really needed to talk to someone after the break, could they please set me up with someone. I was able to get in to see a counselor that week we got back, and it was a good thing I had left a message because I had already lost my nerve. She sat with me for a while and finally I was able to say what was bugging me.
I'm not sure how your schools system works, but if they have voice mail for the counselors, maybe you could leave her a message? If not, would writing something down help?
Good luck. I hope you are able to keep asking for the support you need.

[NakamuraRie]

Thank you so much! That's a brilliant idea.. I will definitely try to call (: if I don't find my nerve to call I will write a letter, and blindly give it to her when school starts. I know now that asking you all for help was the right way to go. Thank you so much

[NoddaProbBob]

Another idea, if you are concerned that the counselor will tell your mom, go in and have like an interview session with her. You should ask about informed consent and your rights to privacy. Ask her if you decide to work with her if she has to tell your mom. Ask her what you can say to her with out her going to your mom or other people. She will likely say that she will break your confidentiality if you poses a serious threat of harm to yourself or others. Or if there is child abuse/elder abuse going on. Ask her what constitutes as "harm to yourself". It may be different in South Africa but that's how it is here in the US.
Take the time in that first session to get your questions answered without telling her everything. This way you can decide if you like her and you can determine if she is safe.
But please do seek help. Three years is a long time to go without proper support. Think of this as an investment in your longterm health. I know you don't want to put added stress on your mom but you are important too. You don't have to struggle. Help is there.
Let us know how it goes!

[NakamuraRie]

Thank you
I have a little progress report. I spoke to my mom. But not really, I kind of mentioned to her that I need a therapist, I said I was serious, and she said to me "you need a friend that you can trust and talk to" ._. What to dooo?

[shezbut]

I would recommend telling your mom that you need a neutral third-party to help you through your experiences & emotions, which is why you are wanting to see a T. Please??

It is still brief, but the words put a little more emotional expression into your non-verbal Q for getting professional help. I hope that it helps you!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by NakamuraRie

Thank you
I have a little progress report. I spoke to my mom. But not really, I kind of mentioned to her that I need a therapist, I said I was serious, and she said to me "you need a friend that you can trust and talk to" ._. What to dooo?

Be more insistent. Reply with, "no, I need professional help. I don't want to suffer like this anymore. Please help me."

[NakamuraRie]

Maybe I can just go to the counselor first? >.< And tell my mom that the counselor thinks I need professional help?