How do you accept that you can't be T's friend?

rainbow8 · Jul 20, 2014, 08:42 PM

Okay. I want to finish the replies:

Quote:

Originally Posted by tohelpafriend

These are good points to consider. Sometimes I have wanted to relate to my T as a friend (of 7 years), but we never cross that line and it keeps the relationship professional....I think within the context of where she works friendships are not allowed. I do consider a friend though.

Thank you for posting. I know I can't be T's friend; I just WANT to be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I'm sorry Rainbow. I know this pain and it really does hurt. I hope you get that need fulfilled through other people in time. I hope other people want to tell you about their vacations and also want to not only see pictures of your kids, but meet them.

I've been sharing some tough stuff in therapy and all of a sudden, I am glad I do not have to see T outside of the room. I'm almost glad I am paying her to be nice to me because I sense that some of my personality offends her and I need help figuring those life things that puzzle me.

I think if T were my friend, she would have stopped listening to me by now because in therapy, I have the freedom to talk about the same dumb $hit over and over again. And that may get on her nerves or whatever, but I pay the therapist precisely so my friends don't have to listen to it.

...One more note.

Her not wanting to tell you about herself is one way to see the situation. Another is her choosing not to tell you about herself as her way of TAKING CARE OF YOU and your therapy. She might want to tell you about herself. She may even know that if she did tell you, you'd willingly listen. But hopefully, she resists the urge to share about herself because the time is all about you and not about her personal life.

I see keeping good boundaries as HARDER THAN not EASIER THAN keeping loose boundaries. Meaning, it's harder to do a good job and hold the therapy frame than to do a sloppy job and let it all hang out all over the place. And so her doing the harder job is doing the better job.

I see it this way because I learned it the hard way with a bad therapist.

Thank you, PeeJay. I had to read your post over a few times so it would sink in. I get it! T likes me so it would be easy to talk about herself, to go back to answering emails, to let me email, to keep looser boundaries, in other words. But she has to work harder to keep them tighter. So she is working to do this for me. That makes me feel better, especially since I know my T can be kind of wishy/washy about boundaries.

Quote:

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I would love to have my T as a friend. She did once tell me that she "maintains relationships" with clients decades after treatment. Not sure if those relationships are professional or personal. Or maybe just a check in once in awhile.

She owns her own practice.... so makes her own rules/boundaries I'm sure....but as of yet, I've not really seen anything that is a boundary.

Thanks. It's nice to know that your T "maintains relationships" so long after treatment! I know my T said I could still be in touch when I quit, too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I was thinking a similar thing today and it hurts but like 1914sierra said, That is the only consolation I have. I also wonder if some of what I want from him is what I thought I had with my H. I want to be friends and hang out together. Play.

I'm sorry you are hurting about this too. I want from T what I want from others, too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlycat

My T once said "You get things that my family doesn't get, and my family gets things that you don't get. In therapy, you come first; in my own life, my needs come first."

I don't know if that is a useful way of thinking about it, but it helped me.

Thanks, growly. It's true.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

my t is the first person in my life who has heard me. really heard me. he has understood my mental illness in a way no one else ever has. and that's incredibly validating. it's heartwarming. it's safe.

but he's not my friend.

sometimes i think i would like it to be so. i would like him to think of me. but as the years have gone on, his understanding has transferred to my hubs. the man i married now listens the way my t listens and can do what my t cannot. in that, i have found deep fulfillment away from my t. my t still helps me, but i no longer feel desperate for him.

that's how i feel about knowing i can't be his friend. him and i have a lot in common and he's hinted that he would like to stay in touch in some form after therapy has ended (okay not so much hinted as flat out said). but i know it won't be a friendship. it will be like a teacher wanting to know a student has done well.

(note this is how i hope it will all land, i'm still in the messy middle of feeling somewhat dependent on him, but this is the goal in my mind and that helps me).

i will miss him. and it hurts to think about it, but my time with him has helped me build relationships that are valuable so that i don't need him when all is said and done. he is working himself out of a job. and i appreciate that.

It sounds like you're doing great! I hope I can feel like that at some point, too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Akama

I don't want him to be my friend. I can haunt him until his death without being his friend

Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Oh Rainbow. This is so painful, isn't it. I totally relate to this and my T actually told me within the first couple of months of seeing her that 'we can't be friends'... She said it can't happen as we can't do the work when we are friends. I don't think she realized how much her comment upset me and I have asked her about it a few times about this since and told her how much it hurts. She has always replied that it is because I didn't get what I needed from my parents... But I still feel,really sad that she doesn't see me as a potential friend! I think I am just too needy. But I kind of understand although it doesn't take away that intense longing for something I want too badly. Other than being friends I would love to be her daughter!

Aw, yes it's very hard. Thanks for your support. I understand your wishes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by elliemay

My former therapist and I keep in touch - usually through letters, but I would not consider us to be friends. Even though I am no longer his patient, and the arbitrary two years have passed, he is so obviously still my therapist... because that's how I see him.

There WAS a time in my therapy with him, however, when I really really wanted some kind of relationship with him outside of therapy.

What I realized, over time - a lot of time, is what I really wanted was the therapeutic relationship outside of therapy and not necessarily a friendship or any kind of mutual thing.

When I realized WHAT the relationship between us actually was, I admit, there was a profound amount of grief, but it wasn't a lasting grief. In fact, it transformed into something quite positive.

Until he or I pass away, I have a person in the world that is totally focused on me. Who absolutely gets me and who I can tell anything without any judgement.

I have some really really good friends and a significant other, but I can't say the same about them.

When you're ready, I strongly suspect that you will cherish the relationship that does exist with your therapist. It has tremendous value that exceeds that of friendship in many ways.

Your focus right now might be on her, but over time that WILL fade. Her focus is, and will always be on you.

That's kinda selfish, but more awesome than anything else.

Thank you. I get that, wanting the t-relationship OUTSIDE of therapy. That sounds so inviting. I hope I can get to the point you're at. Sometimes I feel it's fine with my T, and I'm so grateful for her being my T, but other times, like at my last session, the reality hit me hard and full force.

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

I don't want to be friends with my T, I want to shag him, I want him to be everything to me. But he can't. A few times that made me cry. Other times I accept it as a professional relationship he has in that room, but for that hour, it's probably the hardest hour but the long term rewards have been good.

Thank you. It's hard! I'm sorry you're struggling with it too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by with or without you

During one of my last sessions with an ex-T, I was going through a very hard time with my depression and I really felt like a total POS. At some point I broke down and started crying. She told me that I was the sort of person she would have as a friend had we not met each other as a therapist and client. "I mean it. Even despite our age difference." I do not have any contact with her, but I've never forgotten what she said. She shared those thoughts with me in a rather brilliant way, flawlessly navigating between ethics & professionalism while genuinely reaching out to me as a caring, concerned human being at the same time. She was a very talented therapist.

That's so nice that your T told you she would like to have you for a friend.

I think my T once told me that but I asked her; she didn't volunteer the information. She doesn't volunteer information about our relationship but she responds when I ask her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

My T also told me that she would still want to know me if we met in a different context. I believe her about that. There was a time when I wanted to be her friend (after therapy ended), and I don't know if that will ever happen or not, but as of now I feel pretty accepting one way or the other. Because of being in T school, I'm guaranteed to wind up with way too many shrink friends, anyway. And I know I could always go back and see her regardless. I guess it's been true for me that the more full a life I have outside of therapy, the less I obsess about my relationship with my T.

I also think it's true that I obsess less about my T when I am satisfied with my relationships with my friends and family in real life. Thanks for posting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vonmoxie

I think a therapist who won't put a therapist-patient relationship at risk by encouraging other relationship dynamics, is ultimately being a much better friend, caring about the therapy and recovery in the long term. For me that ends up being much easier to accept, than a therapist who puts my therapy at risk (which I've been through, and even though I took the high road, .. you know. still awkward). Much harder to find a good therapist than it is even to find a good friend, IMO.
__________________

vonmoxie

I have to think about what you wrote about it being harder to find a good T than to find a good friend. It's not so easy for me to find good friends, but my Ts have been pretty good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I knew from the beginning that the relationship is very Unique ,and very one sided, I am not expecting friendship , it would change the reason I'm there for.

It is annoying sometimes that , she knows most about me and she only discloses but so much, but I don't dwell on it.

Bottom line is I wouldn't want my t as a friend now or after therapy.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you, sweepy.

Bipolarchic14 · Jul 21, 2014, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I can accept that T can't be my mother or partner because those are unrealistic, but the moment I am grieving that she can't be my friend. The painful truth struck me after last session. She doesn't want to tell me about herself. She doesn't want to read my emails. She doesn't want to tell me if she goes away during the 2 weeks. She doesn't want to tell me anything but if I ask she might answer me.

She's interested in my kids if I offer the information, and enjoys seeing photos of them.

She enjoys talking about art with me.

But it's all IN the session unless I email and tell her things!

I have known these truths for years but it is just sinking in for real. She doesn't want me in her life though she likes me and is very friendly. I know it's because her role is to be my T, so why does it hurt so much?

Rainbow...you mentioned that you have transference for your t-doc. She has to keep strong boundaries to try and keep those feelings to a minimum. If she did not have strong boundaries this could be more confusing for you as the patient. Keep in mind she has ethical guidelines she has to follow. Try withholding some information about your life that really is not relevant to therapy. I don't answer every question my therapist asks. If I don't see the relevance/connection in the question asked to the topic we are working on I politely change the subject. That makes me feel a little more in control of my therapy. You are there for help but it's not necessary for her to know everything about you.

I was struggling with the desire to be friends with my t too. I never mentioned it to her because I understand that its transference. Instead, I recognized that I need to work on improving/ expanding my friendships and relationships. If you have similar issues connecting with people and developing friendships, this could be why you are having this problem. What I did to fight this is I started talking with t about developing new friends, quality in a friend etc and I went out in the world and started using what I learned to make new friends. After all, this is what therapy is for. I am making new friends but this was three + years in the making. My first step was overcoming some of my social anxiety. I worked on this with a previous t. Still struggling but not as bad. I still have some transference but it's manageable.

I don't know about you, but I think the thing that bothers me about not being able to be friends with my T is it is just one more example of how I am odd/ different. The APA frowns upon friendships, for the protection of the patient but not all therapies leave the patient in a vulnerable state. Even though this would not be the case for me as I do get into sensitive issues with my t, I do recognize that not all therapy is like that. So I guess the part that upsets me is the fact that mental health patients are automatically deemed as vulnerable, childlike victims to the APA rather than treated as adults. I am not my mental illness. I have a mental illness, but I am a strong capable adult who does not accept people and/ or professional organizations coddling me and treating me as a helpless victim. That really rubs me the wrong way. The fact that you get up everyday Rainbow and fight the severe anxiety that disables you tells me you are strong too.

Let's face it, therapists see hundreds of patients and many have similar transferences. Can you imagine them " being friends" with so many people. It's not practical or desirable. I would rather just accept the fact the t does not want to be friends than have some professional organization dictate what I can and cannot handle. I figured out what my transference is about. Try to put your focus in this direction rather than focusing on something that just can't be. I know this is easier said than done but this will be a good topic to discuss with your t. It may even impress her that you are moving in a positive direction. Sorry, what started out as support and advice sort of turned into a rant...but anyway good luck.

clairelisbeth · Jul 21, 2014, 04:51 PM

Honestly, if I had met my T in any other context, I think that we WOULD have hit it off as friends.....but I know her as my T, and that is how I want her to be.

Petra5ed · Jul 21, 2014, 05:01 PM

I think I'm just going to stay in denial on this one until I'm ready to handle it, so I haven't actually accepted that just yet. LOL.

Did your T actually say she didn't want to tell you anything about herself? I don't really have much to add, but it sounds like you might be maybe assuming that... I know the fact is therapists aren't supposed to talk about themselves unless it's relevant, but whose to say whether they want to or not you know?

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How do you accept that you can't be T's friend?

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